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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Next monthI will be attending the wedding of my former roommate, Hyacinth. As much as I love Hyacinth, I am not a fan of her taste in food. The reception will offer a full vegan menu, where as I am more of a flexitarian at best. I did try the lacto ovo route during my college years, but was way too fond of shellfish to fully commit!
Would it be tacky to bring my own vittles to this joyous occasion? I do so want to help commemorate this incredible love between two wonderful people. However, I do not want to come across as rude if bringing my own goodies. Should I perhaps carry enough to share?
Mags: Wow, that’s a lot of sexy talk for first thing in the afternoon! I’m pretty sure we have a lot in common, but you might be even too much of a freak for me! First, of course, the easiest thing is to know that Hyacinth clears up after three weeks. Go to the doctor and get medicine! Hyacinth looks gross, but will totally disappear, probably before that wedding!
I’m not sure why you love Hyacinth, though. Hey, if you like being itchy and getting rashes, you should have Dags make you a sweater! Dags is great at making itchy, nasty sweaters most people would never want! I know because she made me one for Christmas! I remember because I told her husband that night, “Look at this ugly sweater your wife made me!” and he said “Please can we not talk about my wife right now”. The sweater ruined our whole night!
I’m a flexitarian too, because of yoga. I also like meditation, and three-ways. That’s when you meditate with two other people. If you really work hard at it, you will wake up naked and not know where you are. That’s how I know when Joyce and Morty are in town! They are a senior couple from Boca Raton. I think I am their intern. They are teaching me the ropes, so my legs are always tied to my arms. Plus, I think Joyce and Morty would agree it’s always nice to share your goodies! Well, my goodies!
Dags: Listen Mags, my sweaters might be itchy, but you are nastier and have more holes. That’s right! As far as I’m concerned, you and my husband are made for each other. Maybe I should get a new husband. No! Why would I do that, when the one I currently have is so terrified of me? Plus, I’m the one with the ring, Mags! The only ring you’ll be seeing is the one on the tub, after you give Joyce and Morty their sponge bath.
My husband will stay away from Mags, if he knows what’s good for him. As for you, Annabel, are you insane? Here I am battling life’s serious questions: To divorce or not to divorce? To throw Mags off a cliff or hope that she gets drunk and falls off of said cliff on her own? I am in HELL here, and you want to know what to order for dinner at a wedding?
I have one word for you: Eggplant. It might not be what you want, but dammit, you’re not going to do any better!
Dear Mags/Dags: Any advice for stress-free summer wedding hair? My fiancé and I are hosting a brunch on the beach, and I would so hate to have flyaways in my photos. A gel recommendation would be fantastic (I’m not really much of a mousse gal). Thanks a mil!
A Summer Bride Named Autumn
Mags: You have to buy Wanda’s Wonderful Water Mane! It’s the best gel (I hate mousse, too! We’re like Hair Sisters!) Wanda wrote in before, about something, and we totally bonded like BFF’s for XYZ (That means forever, or until the end of the alphabet! That thing’s been around forever! I keep telling everybody though; the alphabet is just a trend, like knee-high boots or big words or science).
I know Dags is going through a hard time. She shouldn’t take it personally, I sleep with everybody. I just like being the opposite of a married person, and I’m great at it! But I’ve gone through hard stuff, too. Like the time I got all the angry letters after telling readers I love Communism! People were so mad, and I said, “But sometimes its fun to live in a house with a whole bunch of sexy guys and girls! Sleeping together, tanning together, hot-tubbing together! It’s awesome!” You know, if there was no such thing as Communism, then we wouldn’t have reality TV shows. So remember that the next time you judge someone for their sexiness! I also like beer and people don’t get mad about that! They should! What about wine? Wine is good, too! Sometimes I don’t let people know I like wine as much as I like beer, or cocktails. I should tell them. I should let everyone know, because people might want to buy me drinks.
Dags: Maybe it’s a sign that you wrote in about something as frivolous as flyaways. Yes, I know you’re referring to your crappy hair, but it got me thinking. It would be great to fly away, wouldn’t it? Beyond the mortgage and the mother-in-law and that stupid light that burnt out last week, only I’m not tall enough to reach it. I can’t locate the step ladder anymore. I’m not sure where I’d be stepping, anyway.
So enjoy the summer, lousy readers! Drink your Pink Ladies and your Alabama Slammers. Write in about it and confuse Mags, so she ends up thinking you’re vampires with criminal records in Tuscaloosa. Whine about your sunburns and diet plans and remember that these are the greatest moments in your pointless, useless, miserable little lives.
Mags will be on tour this summer. It’s called The Apology Tour, and it should kick off in Dags’ living room. She is in the process of writing songs, dedicated to Dags. The first single is “I Think I’m Sorry (but I’m Not Sure)” and the next is “Dags’ Husband, Whose Side Are You On?” Hopefully she will dazzle Dags with her banjo and xylophone, and hopefully the police will not be summoned (again).
Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.
Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.
©2011 Christina Delia