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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Let me start this letter by saying that I did not want to write it. My husband Trent insisted. He's a great guy, except he's really annoying. We've been married two months now, and all he keeps saying is, "It's not natural! You have a serious problem! Blah, blah!" I can stop anytime I want to. But I don't want to. It's not an addiction, it's a lifestyle. No! Make that a wifestyle, because I am his wife and I have style! Not to mention a sexy year-round tan! I don't glow, darlings, I R-A-D-I-A-T-E. Picture me spelling this out. Trent thinks I have a problem, a tanning addiction. I say nothing gets me feeling hotter than hopping onto that tanning bed!
Please tell that man I needs my tan!
Tanning is a Wifestyle
MAGS: Yay! I love spelling games! T-R-I-P-O-D! You know what that spells? A fun new sex position I picked up from the cameraman from our local TV news station See Trusted People News 20, News you can trust from people you can see! Do you know why it's called the tripod? No, I'm asking you...I forgot. I guess I'll just ask his friend Funky Freddie when the three of us are together again, doing the tripod…
Some things to think about: One: I like tanning, too! I have style, three! We could totally hop into that bed together for five, six, seven…counting is hard! Why are we counting? The thing I love the most about tanning is that there's no down-side (thanks Science!) just a tan side, and then another tan side when you flip the tan side over! Yay!
DAGS: I would be socially and morally bankrupt if I did not let you know that you are putting yourself in mortal danger. There, I said it. Now I only have to deal with the potential for the physical form of bankruptcy, thanks to my nimrod husband and his new invention. A ventriloquist's dummy that doubles as a GPS and car alarm! Seriously? I cannot tolerate hearing that soon-to-be second cousin of the holiday Yule log bark, "Say sister, turn here! No, turn there! Now we're neither here nor there! Never trust a broad to drive a man's car! Me, I drive a stick! Get it? Who's the dummy now?"
Never mind my anguish. This is about your wasted life. You want to sizzle like a sausage? You want to burn like a bra? Well, I hate sausages. I also hate bras. Look, you'll have plenty of time to glow or to sizzle when you're dead. As in gliding through the Pearly Gates or descending into the Fiery Depths of Hell. Take your pick, you knackwurst in a knocker harness! I know where I'm going, and I'll be damn sure to take that cocky kindling with me!
DEAR MAGS/DAGS: After six years of marriage, my husband Carl and I like to keep things fresh and exciting. We've already tried alternating doing it with the lights on and then off to spice things up. We also treat each other to slightly inappropriate limericks. Do you have any new ideas?
Naughty Nikki from Nantucket
MAGS: If your limericks are inappropriate, you can return them to the store and get money back! That happened to me one time! It wasn't limericks, it was a moldy brownie. Then I found out the brownie wasn't really moldy, it was my friend Peaceful Ed's special recipe. I laughed and laughed, and then I spent the night in jail. Limericks are gross, though! The worst kind of jelly bean ever!
My Grandma has a machine that turns the lights on and off! That could help you! She also has a machine that she keeps in her underwear drawer. That could help you, too! It is smaller than the machines I keep in my drawers, but everyone has fun differently! My Grandma is very wise, and that's why many old men come to see her from out of town. You are never too old to learn from a lady who is old, too!" Remember that!
DAGS: Hmm, well unless you are interested in having sex in the car with a wooden dummy because the fleshy dummy you married rigged the wooden one to lock you in all night, I got nothing. VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY GPS AND CAR ALARM! I MEAN REALLY! HONESTLY! Every time I try to get out of the car, it locks the doors and screams, "CHUGGA CHUGGA CHOO! CHOO! THE FIVE-FIFTEEN IS ON SCHEDULE! THIS IS HOW YOU TRAIN YOUR WIFE! GET IT? TRAIN YOUR WIFE?" As soon as I get out of this car, that thing is becoming a shelf! I mean a hat rack! I mean a hamper! Yes, that's it! A hamper! You won't be so funny when I shove dirty laundry down your throat, will you dummy? The sad thing is: I'd rather be in here than inside communicating with my husband. He says I'm cold and distant? Well, I've caught a chill and I'm locked in the garage, what do you expect? He's the one who's supposed to be sleeping in the garage! The wife never has to leave the comfort of her 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets! That's why she registers for them!
Mags has co-authored a pamphlet with her grandmother. "Granny's Advice for Entertaining Surprised Guests". You're reading this and thinking, "Surprised? She means Surprise Guests!" Actually, the guests are very surprised, and you will be, too. This pamphlet is $19.99 and not for the faint of heart. Also, all of us at Bride Dish wish to pay our respects to Mr. Horace McDittlemeyer of Sarasota Springs. May you rest in peace, Mr. McDittlemeyer. Granny was just too much woman for you.