ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
Well Athena, we made it through another year of lovers’ quarrels, cheating scandals, backstabbing colleagues and at least one shooting. And this was only on “General Hospital”. At least “General Hospital” has James Franco, as does every other form of media on the planet except, so far, the horoscope industry. Since he was apparently born under all twelve signs at once, he can’t concentrate on any one sign and would never know that, for example, Athena will take a cooking class this year and drop an expensive Cuisinart on her foot, but end up marrying the teacher who wanted to buy a new Cuisinart anyway. Beat that, James Franco!
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) January is a cold month, especially for Juno who lately feels it in her bones. She thinks this month about changing her life; picking up and going off to someplace warm, like maybe her brother’s condo which has central heat. Perhaps Juno should deal with her fear of authority by calling her landlord and asking if he could turn up the thermostat just enough so Juno can chip her cat off the windowsill to which he has been frozen for the last two days. This year marks the emergence of a new, more assertive Juno who tells people what she thinks and asks for what she wants, even if it means raising her voice. She starts by asking the cable repairman who arrived one day and never left and who now sits drinking beer on her couch, to at least use a coaster.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Aphrodite finds love this year, starting exactly at midnight on December 31st with that cute guy she kissed at a party and who told her that she was right for him at least based on her outfit. This is good enough for Aphrodite, who had a particularly dry spell in 2010 and feels she’s ready to commit to a long-term relationship with a guy who feels the same way. This guy could be the one, but the 15th through the 25th are key as those days he heads to a work retreat in Las Vegas where “what happens, stays there unless it ends up on Facebook”. Keep an eye on Facebook, the 26th through the 31st.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) It wasn’t enough for the Astronomer’s Guild to take Pluto away from us – now they say they are realigning all the signs, so that for example, Diana is Demeter, and Demeter is James Franco. This is going to make at least this first month of the year frustrating for all of us, as we who make predictions have to figure out if Diana will find love at last, or lose her job – or if that’s Demeter’s fate. We are pretty sure Diana will find love, for one reason because she’s going to be sharing a bathroom with all the other signs while the horoscope renovations are going on.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) Demeter will perhaps find love or perhaps lose her job (see previous horoscope) – we’re not sure which, due to the ongoing renovations of the Alignment of the Stars In the Heavens. We ask that all holders of a valid Horoscope ID card make sure they have their picture updated and the correct birth date so that we won’t assign the wrong future to you. Demeter remembers the last time this happened she ended up in the emergency room at Mt. Sinai giving birth to twins after not having had sex all year. Meanwhile, Vesta, who had been trying all year to get pregnant, got the work promotion intended for Demeter and had to learn how to manufacture garage door openers
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Vesta’s sign is in the 5th house of Unintended Consequences, which means her fate can veer either way this month. Since Vesta is by nature a woman who likes to be in control, she must take the reins of this chariot and steer it like she’s Charlton Heston in “Ben Hur” toward a positive conclusion. This means running over all obstacles, be they negative criticism or underpaid extras meant to cheer in the background. As long as she makes it to the finish line with her wheels still attached, she will find not only success, but that Cold Play cd she lost last summer.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) From the 21st through the 30th Persephone will rekindle an interest in a hobby she hasn’t pursued in years; one that she picked up right after her high school boyfriend broke up with her and which she’d pursued again when her College advisor broke off their affair and again after the end of the first marriage, and kind of throughout the second. This hobby, unusual by most standards and illegal in some states, has always comforted her in times of need, particularly after a boyfriend has let her down or even once when someone took the last slice of pizza at Grimaldi’s. Get that “hobby” in check Persephone - otherwise the 31st brings a visit from the District Attorney.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Leda’s New Year’s resolution to get control of her health will reap benefits throughout the year. She’s cut out all the between-meals snacks, paring down the almost constant eating that made it difficult to answer the phone since she’d have a breakfast burrito in one hand, a “mid-morning” burrito in the other, and a lunch burrito in the batter’s box ready to head to the microwave. Leda has always dealt with stress by eating and the good news this month is that, after all these years, she will break that pattern! The bad news is that, next month, Leda will take up smoking.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21 ) Saturn makes an appearance in Echo’s house this month, leaving a pile of dirty dishes and one incredibly large black sock (approximately 18000 miles long) stuck to the back of the dryer. However, Saturn’s arrival also brings a few unattached moons that are pretty cute for moons and a 2 billion-pack of Coors, attracting the stars Alpha Centuri and Sirius as well as Samantha Ronson on the turn-table. Lindsey Lohan shows up late and spills a drink on Sirius, causing a fight to break out between the Milky Way and Andromeda Galaxies. The whole event is written up in “Star Search” magazine and Echo appears on Oprah with a big apology to the Known Universe on the 28 th.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) Too much eating and drinking have left Pandora with a gut that needs to be addressed and sent far away, preferably by UPS, which will pick up boxes weighing over 20 pounds for a minimal charge. She plans on sending it to her old high school rival Missy Clark who always used to make disparaging comments about Pandora’s wardrobe and haircut. This month Pandora finally gets her revenge when Missy complains on Facebook that she somehow gained 20 pounds and “it seems to have arrived via UPS”.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) After the 15 th time Psyche spears her toe on a dry pine needle, she finally breaks down and takes down the Christmas tree. While she’s at it she decides to put away the clay turkey sculpture on the dining table, the fake cobwebs from Halloween, the Fall leaves on the coffee table, and the basket of Easter eggs on the stereo cabinet. On second thought she decides to leave the Easter basket where it is and just change out the jelly beans that have been in there since 2009. Psyche’s problem with procrastination is finally resolved when she upgrades her cable service and discovers she moved 4 years ago.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Purchases made this month will result in buyer’s remorse especially when it turns out the new Hybrid car Phoebe bought is a hybrid of an Edsel and a Pinto, a vehicle which not only gets 8 miles to a gallon of cooking oil but explodes on contact with a slight breeze. This turns out to be an advantage when invited to a tailgate party since Phoebe only has to back her car up to a pile of raw hamburger to provide roasted meat for a crowd of 20.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy ) A new season of reality TV makes Thalia eager to sing, lose weight, stop taking drugs, and try to get a single man who collects STDs like other people collect Beanie Babies to ask her to marry her. The 24th brings an upgrade to HDTV and Thalia’s realization that people on TV have dandruff and bad skin, just like real life. Thalia decides she prefers real life; especially once she sees Steven Tyler on American Idol, in Hi-Def. Scary!!
©2011 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.