ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Athena hears that the New York Groundhog did NOT see his shadow, but the Pennsylvania groundhog DID see his, throwing the weather casting community, who determined this method for determining whether we get 6 more weeks of winter, into chaos and conflict. Athena never quite understood how this was supposed to work since, let’s get real: this is a rodent people, and it’s not even known for fetching a ball let alone predicting climatic conditions. We could see if maybe a border collie was asked what the future would bring – these dogs are really smart and can be counted on for stock tips – but a ground hog? After consulting with her border collie, Athena decides to invest in a new pair of snow boots, as well as oil futures.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) Juno watches the events unfolding in Egypt and decides that if the people of an oppressed country can rise up and in less than 2 weeks, throw off the chains of oppression, surely she can break up with her asshole boyfriend who refuses to lift a finger to keep the place clean. She starts by Twittering her girlfriend, complaining about men in general, and this Twitter gets sent through an outwardly radiating network of girlfriends and sympathetic women until it reaches the wife of Iranian president Ahmadinejad who is so pissed off at her idiot husband who refuses to put his dirty socks in the hamper, that she instigates an overthrow of his regime. Iran subsequently collapses. Kim Jung Il, getting nervous, takes his wife’s cell phone away. Juno gets a Nobel Peace prize. However, her boyfriend still refuses to clean the bathroom.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Aphrodite feels the thrill of anticipation this month when she opens her email to find that Overstock.com is offering $1 on all shipping! This couldn’t happen at a better time for Aphrodite who has gained so much weight she doesn’t want anyone to see her, and has come to the conclusion that anything she needs she can get online. Aphrodite has to remember that in the olden days (like, 1995), people used to leave their homes to go shopping, and in fact there were special people in stores called “salespeople” who would stand together in clumps and ignore you as you tried to find a size 10 in this black sweater. So there really is no reason not to head to the store this month and next, since no one there will pay any attention to you whatsoever, just like in the olden days.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) From the 13th through the end of the month, Diana cannot get the image of Lady Gaga arriving at the Grammys in a giant resin egg out of her mind. In fact, the Stars above cannot believe they just wrote that line. At any rate, after watching this grand entrance, Diana realizes that it’s important to go through life with a specific vision and few inhibitions. Whether that means arriving on the red carpet of an awards event in a giant Brontosaurus egg, or showing up at a party wearing sparkly eye shadow, Diana recognizes that we all have only one chance in this life to make a statement, even if it is the same statement as Madonna made 15 years ago. Inspired, Diana begins to look for the Madonna-style “cone bra” she packed away years ago to wear to an upcoming Bar Mitzvah.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) The renovations on Demeter’s house are not going as smoothly as she’d hoped, what with the collapse of her kitchen into the basement and the subsequent entrapment of 33 Chilean dry-wall installers. Oddly, these 33 Chilean men are the same 33 who were trapped in a mine last summer, all of whom decided mining was too risky and all of whom went into house renovations with the idea that the worse that could happen to them would be to drop a stainless steel refrigerator on their foot. A full-scale rescue operation is mounted, just as Demeter’s contractor informs her that the renovation “will cost a little more than we thought.” The ex-miners escape safely when one discovers a staircase leading out of the basement into the garage.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Vesta gets a memo this month which announces that the company policy on bringing pets to work has been revised. It used to be that everyone could bring their dog to work as long as it didn’t bite, bark, or shit in the conference room. But after one too many dog fights broke out in the cafeteria - some of them involving dogs - the people in Human Resources said having dogs at work was disrupting work flow as well as diminishing the company’s supply of Frisbees. Single Vesta is bummed at this news since we all know “Dog is man’s best friend” which made it a sure thing that as long as there were dogs at work, there’d be men. She considers getting a dog just so she can meet his friends.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)The command: “Release the Kraken!” has special significance for Persephone who just started dating a guy who shouts this every time he and Persephone start getting intimate. It was cute at first and in fact accurately described the “monster” that was being released from the confines of her boyfriend’s Calvin Klein’s, but after a while, and particularly when they spent the weekend on the couch at her sister’s, Persephone has come to dread it. She will try this month to encourage a new phrase, recited more quietly, like perhaps, “Say hello to my little friend!” or “Play it again, Sam!”
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) The 9th through the 17th and again on the 26th Leda will be confronted with rumors that Justin Bieber’s hair is not his own but in fact, Chase Crawford’s. Chase, in turn, will realize that he picked up Zac Efron’s hair when he was in the Swag tent at Sundance, thinking it was a new version of the Swiffer mop. This bothers Leda because, in spite of the fact that she will never see 39 again, she has a crush on Justin Bieber that can be explained neither by the Starry Heavens Above, nor her therapist. Leda recognizes that Bieber is on the near fringes of the child-star-robot-pod-thing, but until he gets taken over by the pod people that got Michael Jackson and Dakota Fanning, he is as cute as a button. By next month, any vestige of a real human personality in Bieber should be completely gone, ending Leda’s infatuation.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21 ) Echo has had it up to here with all the snow this winter! She’s had to dig out her car three times and two of the times it turns out it wasn’t even her car. In fact, the third time, she found Jimmy Hoffa, and believe me, he was really grateful, but that still doesn’t help Echo’s aching back and her broken shovel. One more snowstorm will put her over the edge completely, causing her to consider moving to Florida or Arizona, which requires all new residents to give up their brains at the state line. The 25th brings another winter storm and Echo’s decision to move to Las Vegas, Nevada, where all they make you give up is your dignity. Later this month, Echo finds out why “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” when someone steals her camera.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) Pandora keeps setting things down and forgetting where she put them, misplacing things so often she’s a little worried about her brain. So far this month she’s lost her car keys, her iPhone, her glasses, and her son Kyle. Kyle finally called her from the rec center where he’d been waiting for Pandora to pick him up, but the glasses remain AWOL. Start doing brain exercises to help improve memory, like crossword puzzles and figuring out how to put all the Tupperware and the lids in the same drawer. Um, not now, Pandora – Kyle is waiting for you!
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) Psyche rediscovers a hobby she had set aside when she had children, in the same way she set aside putting on make-up, plucking her eyebrows and wearing matching socks. This is a hobby she had once enjoyed and which had enhanced her life so much, and in fact was exactly the thing that led to the whole children/mortgage/no-time-for-herself lifestyle she’s been leading for the least 5 years. That hobby is sex and Psyche is reintroduced to it on the 25th or 26th when she and her husband finish off a bottle of red wine after the kids go to sleep. This leads to a renaissance in the relationship this month and next, at least until Psyche misses her period.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) This month is looking like the perfect window of opportunity to ask for a raise. The year-end numbers are in and you’ve done well; your hard work has made a difference in the company’s profits and it looks like no one is going to be indicted after all. It’s a challenge to work in the finance industry and not take a few hundred thousand for yourself, especially when you’re managing money for people who would never miss it, and you could really use a new roof, a new car, and new breasts. But don’t let temptation get the better of you Phoebe; get your raise the way the rest of us do: by sleeping with your boss and threatening to tell his wife.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Comedian Keep friendships alive and active by inviting friends over for dinner occasionally and not making them always cook for you. If you’re anxious about your hosting skills, take a cooking class, or ingest two tablespoons of Benadryl just before guests arrive. This will help you relax so that you won’t care a bit whether the roast burns or the green beans come out rubbery, or the ice is stuck together in one big block in the freezer. If you fall asleep in the middle of the meal, good friends will prop you up in a chair and make funny comments about your hair, and the evening will be a huge success.
©2011 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.