ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Spring – is it here or not? Please discuss. Athena cannot figure out what to wear because even as she looks out her window in the morning and sees sunny skies and hears cheeping birds, by the time she gets downstairs and walks out the door, it is sleeting and people are fighting with inside-out umbrellas. Spring means sprouting daffodils and buds on trees but for Athena who is always cold it also means wearing her cute sleeveless blouse under a wool turtleneck.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) This month Juno is faced with the reality of her maturing daughter, who needs a training bra. This strikes Juno as a bizarre term for a device made to support inanimate objects that can’t learn – otherwise Juno herself would be wearing one trying to teach her breasts to be sexy or at least symmetrical. But they are real slackers, those two, and never listened, even when Juno was dating Jenny’s brother Billy Mulligan and could have used the help. So even as she gets her daughter fitted, she warns her not to have high hopes for the “training” part of this object of attire, and to simply hope her bosoms have high IQs.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) ‘Tis the season for pink, yellow and blue animal babies, all of which are edible. This is troubling to Aphrodite who is a vegetarian and feels there’s something oddly evil about seeing all these barn animals made of sugar being marketed to kids – hardcore vegetarians like Aphrodite see it as the first step toward a taste for chicken wings, the way bubble gum leads to crack cocaine. Get over it Aphrodite! Who doesn't love a nice chocolate egg, or a spun sugar chick? Who doesn’t want to bite the head off a milk chocolate bunny? Somehow it’s obvious that if they made chocolate German Shepards or spun sugar house cats, Easter would just not be the same.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) From the 13th This month Diana looks forward to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, officially the second and third whitest people on the planet (the whitest person on earth remaining Ryan Seacrest). Diana’s been trying to trick her boyfriend into popping the question forever but this month, with the example of the Royal Wedding, Diana will show her boyfriend what a great thing a wedding can be: a giant party with bad music, not a beer in sight, hundreds of people you don’t know, all of whom you have to make small talk with and try to remember the names of their countries, many, many old people who yell when they talk to you, lots of opportunities to get hit on the head with a scepter and drop jewel-encrusted crowns and fall off the dais in front of 2 billion people. Diana’s boyfriend decides to be a monk.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) Demeter is thrilled on the 23rd when a GroupOn coupon pops up, offering 50% off on a psychotherapy session. It strikes her a little odd that a psychotherapist would advertise his services on a coupon site, but half off on anything these days is nothing to sneeze at (particularly if it’s allergy shots), and so Demeter buys in. What she doesn’t realize is that 122 other people will show up at the same time at this guy’s office and to deal with the crowd, he will offer a kind of Group (On) therapy, wherein everybody piles onto his couch and takes turns spilling their most private secrets. Irritated to be dealing with all these coupon-bearing cheapskates, the shrink then tells the crowd to “talk among yourselves” and busies himself at his desk putting the coupons right-side up in a pile.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Starting on the 10th through the end of the month, the weather warms and Vesta feels compelled to be outside, the sun on her face. It’s a lovely sensation after months of winter; however, there’s nothing like natural light to make a perfectly nice face look like a place they shoot commercials for 4-wheel drive vehicles. Vesta decides to invest in a session of dermabrasion, after which her face looks like a baby’s bottom, only with a severe case of diaper rash. Later, the skin starts to peel, leaving her face looking like the surface of a glazed donut. By the end of the month, Vesta’s face returns to normal, only she no longer has lips. By way of compensation, Vesta’s dermatologist offers her Lindsay Lohan’s old mouth.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) This month, Donald Trump and his hair annoy Persephone. This happened last month and every month that Persephone has been conscious, but now this yellow-tinted man is starting to steal some of Iran president Ahmadinejad’s material, and Ahmadinejad is starting to look sane in comparison. Persephone dreams of a GOP ticket which would pair Trump and Sarah Palin as running mates, with the platform slogan: “We Are Dumb As Doors But We Are Often On TV!” Persephone is surprised on the 17th, when a delicious-looking baked potato announces that it has been contacted by the Republican National Committee to be a running mate for a piece of celery, apparently in the hopes that they can avoid a Trump-Palin ticket.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Leda is invited to a Passover Seder, something that she’s only heard of from her Jewish friends who describe it as a dinner where one is not only allowed to read at the table, but it’s mandated, the louder and more awkwardly, the better, preferably mispronouncing words like Chametz and Haggadah as everyone at the table slowly starves to death. This sounds like a bad date Leda once had only without the appetizers, but she’s game and this also gives her a chance to practice her public speaking skills. Also, you never know who will sit next to you at one of these things; aren’t all these things like weddings?
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21 ) This month, Echo is stunned by the behavior of Charlie Sheen and the people who surround him. He is clearly mentally ill, unstable, dangerous and self-destructive. His children have been taken from him, his wives have initiated orders of protection, and he seems like he could erupt in catastrophic violence at any time. And so, having been turned down by a baked potato, the Republican National Committee has contacted Sheen to see if he might be interested in running as the GOP candidate for President of the United States. Echo decides to move to Canada.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) Pandora’s issues with money come to a head this month when she pays $67 for a room diffuser. How a little bottle filled with aromatic oil and 10 bamboo skewers costs $67 is beyond her, and she is further infuriated when she finds the same product for $9 at Rite Aide. She realizes that she must take some of the blame for her shopping compulsion and an unwillingness to question the prices that stores are asking. She finally draws the line when she notices that a box of cereal now costs $24, and feels a sense of pride when she puts it back on the shelf. Now she just has to learn to put back the Manolos.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) Psyche wants to prepare Easter baskets for all her nieces and nephews but balks at the idea of handing out all that processed food (“food”). She decides that her Easter baskets will be healthy: filled with real grass, not that plastic stuff, and Easter eggs blown from real eggs, fresh baby carrots, Brussels sprouts instead of jelly beans, and green apples. She becomes the adult she always dreaded at Halloween – the one whose house all the kids avoided because one was sure to get pennies instead of Snickers bars and bags of home made granola instead of candy corn. She realizes she’s gone overboard when a giant, very angry Easter Bunny knocks on her door with a subpoena.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Stay positive this month, Phoebe! Just like Jennifer Aniston who hangs in there, wondering how in God’s name a woman as cute and wealthy as she has no boyfriend and few prospects. At least you, Phoebe, can make use of Match.com and go on blind dates with people who don’t know your dating history nor your bra size. There are distinct advantages to being “average” not the least of which is the ability to go to a grocery store without hordes of paparazzi chasing you and wanting to take pictures of you as you’re fondling the eggplants. Yes, for sure it would be nice to have someone be interested in what you’re up to but that’s what Facebook is for. On the 29 th, Phoebe feels charitable and “friends” Jennifer Aniston.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Comedian Thalia has been looking for love in all the wrong places: in the security line at the airport, rest stops on the highway and Turbo Tax chat rooms. This month she decides to make a change and starts asking friends to fix her up with every man over the age of 25 in the hopes that she might find “the one”. Look this time for sincerity, not cleverness, and honesty, not wit. You might end up with an IRS accountant, but at least you’ll get your taxes done on time.
©2011 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.