EST. May 2000 (AD)


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FREE Fill-in-the-Blanks Iron-Clad Prenuptial Agreement

 By Elizabeth Hanes

Exclusively for HW readers, we offer this boilerplate prenuptial agreement to protect your assets (and get all of his) for prospective brides from all walks of life. Simply print this out, fill in the blanks, sign it, and stash it someplace safe where he can't get his hands on it but you can easily find it when he reaches his financial peak.





hereinafter referred to as the “parties.”


WHEREAS the parties being in [love / lust / denial] and being presently [unmarried / unmarried, or so the bastard says / knocked up] do intend to enter into a legal marriage within [the next month / stop pressuring me / as soon as the preceding vehicle pulls away from the drive-thru chapel] and wishing to create a document outlining various financial relationships that will apply [til death do us part / until someone cuter or sexier comes along / until we sober up];

WHEREAS information about each party's [assets / father's assets / mobile home] has been exchanged prior to entering into this agreement;

WHEREAS each party has had the opportunity to fully [examine / fabricate / burn all evidence related to] their financial disclosures and those of the other party; 

WHEREAS parties hereby enter into this agreement [of their own free will / under duress due to withholding of AWESOME sexual favors / in stupidity or drunkenness]. 

The premises being considered, upon consideration of the mutual parties, with due consideration to and for the considerations of the parties, and some other nonsensical legal-sounding stuff, the parties hereby declare as follows:

  1. This agreement shall take effect [only upon the lawful marriage of the parties to one another / eventually / retroactively to the presumed date of conception].
  1. Assets

1.    Definition: Assets shall be defined as property brought to the marriage by [the prospective husband , the prospective husband's father, any rich relatives of the husband / the well-off prospective in-laws / that dude who wants to buy your '68 VW van].

2.    In turn, property shall be defined as [cash, stocks, bonds, hotels, spas, villas, Lamborghinis and the like / checking and savings accounts, 401k, primary residence, the shirt off his back / mobile home, tractor, still, Uncle Dad's Krugerrands buried in the backyard].

  1. Earnings

1.    Definition: Earnings shall be defined as pertaining to the prospective husband, to include [salary, bonuses, and incentives in perpetuity / every paycheck earned, forever and ever amen / hourly wages from the Circle-K, cash earned from the sale of the “herbal goods,” internet earnings from the illegal sale of fake IDs to minors].

  1. Debts

1.    All debts of the prospective husband shall remain the sole liability of the prospective husband.

2.    All debts of the prospective bride shall become the sole liability of the prospective groom.

V. Earnings during marriage

1.    All earnings accrued [during the marriage / commencing immediately / retroactively to the presumed date of conception] shall become the immediate and sole property of the [wife / prospective bride / biatch].

2.    All earnings accrued by the [wife / prospective bride / biatch] shall remain the sole property of the [wife / prospective bride / biatch] for her exclusive use and enjoyment with no interference from the prospective spouse regardless of spouse's propensity to criticize and demean spending on such necessities as [mani-pedi-massage / clothing and perfume from Coldwater Creek, Ann Taylor Loft, and Chico / Rubbermaid containers from Wal-Mart].

  1. Common Living Expenses

1. Common living expenses shall be defined as common expenses incurred by the [married couple / prospective bride and groom / Bubba and biatch], such as food, home mortgage or rental fees, condo fees, home utilities, home maintenance, medical expenses, children's private education expenses, maid service, private chef, pool boy named Alfredo or Armand, taxes, insurance, and maintenance of all kinds.

2. Common living expenses shall be paid in toto by the man. Duh. 

  1. Modifications

1. Modifications may be made by either party under circumstances to include [coming to their senses / rash tantrums / under enticement of sexual favors] and all such modifications shall be submitted in [writing / eye-rolling / tattoo].

  1. Acknowledgements

1.    Each party acknowledges that they have had ample opportunity to [review the agreement / consult with their mother / bang the prospective brother-in-law]. 

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, we each sign this aforegoing agreement [of our own free will / under promise of sexual favors / after chugging the contents of the kegerator], certify that we are [of legal age / over age 18 / over age 14 with permission of Uncle Dad], and are [of sound mind and character / of sound mind and so-so body / of questionable intelligence with  AWESOME six-pack abs].



[NAME] and [NAME]


2011 Elizabeth Hanes