EST. May 2000 (AD)


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How to Write a Best-Selling Quadrilogy about Humans

Count Vladimir Ronald Dracula: AUTHOR’S COPY!

Speech for VAMP (Vampire Authors Masquerading as People) Convention


By Kiera Durfee


Hey, everyone! Wow, look at this turnout! I had no idea there would be this many aspiring VAMPs around. So, I’m loving this town Spoons! It reminds me of a town I know called… knives! (Insert big guffaw here.) Sure smells good out there—what is that? It kind of smells like… a redhead! (Make sure you do a BIG vampire car-salesman laugh: Muah ha ha ha!)

Well, it is so great that I get to be with you and talk about what makes my totally suckin’ dramatic human series successful. I am sure you are wondering what it must be like to be a successful vampire author like myself. You know, I’ve been observing humans for a long time while writing my esteemed, award-winning, best-selling series, and I have to say that humans are the most interesting species on the planet. I have a couple tips for you today that will ensure your entrance into the vampire literary world so you can try to have mediocre success compared to mine so you can be rich and famous like me!

In order to schmooze millions of dollars away from the general public for a nonsense book about humans have great success selling a series like mine, one of the most important things you have to do is to create convincing characters.

In order to do this, and key to getting all the money awards girls acclaim you desire, is to describe in detail what these chaps eat. They have this place called McDonalds—I’m sure you’ve seen it. They have these big, golden arches popping up every three feet off every freeway exit. You can get TWENTY chicken nuggets (those are little pieces of chopped up and processed chicken meat and ligaments fried in other animals’ fat) for $4! (Throw chicken nuggets out into the crowd with a t-shirt gun.) Talk about cheap. Every single human eats there, some for all three meals of the day! Some of them could eat all day long! I COULD! (Muah ha ha!)

Also, the best way to sell your book is to be grossly specific in describing their exotic, beautiful features. Instead of the hard, marble-like physique that we have, they have a soft, squishy exterior, like a pillow! Did you know that instead of sparkling in the sun like we do, they get something called a SUNBURN? It’s incredible! They walk outside, lay on a towel for 16 hours, and all of a sudden, they leave as red as blood! Mmm, delicious!

Also, if you wanna make the moolah and be on Vamprah’s final season, you’ve got to write about true human talent. These humans have some amazing gifts. And they are not pish-posh talents like reading minds or telling the future. Some of these humans can spend the entire day on Facebook (just what it sounds like—a book of faces; I think you can get it at the library) and updating their Twitter (it’s a bird-watching site). It is amazing to see what they do all day. I could not believe the stamina of a guy I observed right before dinner one day who sat in front of his television for 27 hours! I mean, talk about work! He was quite a delicacy, though. Greasy on the outside. Like fried chicken! (Lick lips.)

Okay, best part of your story: plot structure. The greatest part of my job is that I get to write about romance. Real live romance. We VAMPs only have real DEAD romance! (Maybe jolly vampire Santa laugh?) And I’ll tell you: Romance is the KEY element of best-selling novels, and you will only get published if you describe the sordid details. Let me tell you a remarkable story I heard from a friend recently whose mom told him that her dog told her through secret barking language. So a guy gets on the computer, sees a picture of a girl he likes, chats with her online 18 hours a day, and eventually gets to know her very well. Well, it had been a long time, maybe about four days? Anyway, they decided to meet. They met in a motel room in a really classy part of downtown next to a soup kitchen, and they must have been talking for hours because they didn’t come out for a while. They must have been in love because there was a red light outside their room. Isn’t that great? Incorporate these human love stories in your books, and you’ll get da money! (Rub hands together in greedy fashion.)

Lastly, I know there are those of you out there who say, “Vlad, come on! Tell us the REALLY important stuff. Tell us how to make these best-selling novels into cheap, terrible classic, heart-wrenching cinematic masterpieces that win Batcademy Awards!” You have to cater to your fans. I LOVE my fans. Did you know there is a human fan club for my books? They spend every second of their day following me, screaming at me, staring at me, trying to touch me. It is as if they don’t have a life except for to follow me to my house and spy on me through telescopes and paparazzi pictures. They all wear shirts that say Team Vlad. They tattoo pictures of me on their faces, they dress up in capes, and they lay in coffins all night! And every single girl in the world, ages 6 through 75, does this! That is dedication! And that is your goal. You will not have a successful movie unless you know they’re up at 4:00 a.m. thinking about you.

Well, I think that about “wraps it up,” like our mummy friends would say. With these tips, you can succeed as one of the second-finest vampire authors of your day. Fangographs are available after dinner! Good night, and good suck!

©2011 Kiera Durfee


Kiera Durfee is a wife to a handsome Army guy, mom to two darling and spunktastic little girls, and a student of geniuses at Dixie State College in Saint George, Utah. She is studying to become a high school English teacher so she can teach kids some learnin’. She loves to write about human foibles that she herself exemplifies. In her spare time, she enjoys gardening, being funny, eating desserts, grammar, spending time with her family (unless they’re grumpy), and watching Pawn Stars.