EST. May 2000 (AD)


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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My wedding day will be here in exactly two months and five days. That’s right, I’m counting it down. This is MY DAY, and so far, things are falling into perfect place. The only issue is Sheila.

Sheila is my father’s girlfriend, except her figure isn’t exactly girlish and her demeanor isn’t what you would call friendly. To say that I hate Sheila is an understatement. This is the vile creature that broke up my parents’ marriage.

So since my fiancé and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, would it be socially appropriate to just send an invite to my father, minus You-Know-Who? I don’t want to hurt my Dad, but it is MY DAY, after all!

She-Devil Sheila Can Go to Hell

MAGS: Maybe it’s because I love to sleep around so much, but what did Sheila ever do to you? Sounds to me like she did the most damage to your Mom, and probably, your Daddy’s wallet! Am I right? See, we can smell out our own! Daddy’s wallet is the one thing keeping us smelling like a perfume shop in Paris! I’m guessing Sheila’s been to Paris, but your Mom probably hasn’t. Did I guess right? What did I win?

Sheila and I are what you call “underdogs”. An underdog is someone who likes lots of positions, the easy under ones and then the ones where you have to work a little harder, like doggy style, or my personal favorite, the backwards chinchilla catfish pirouette, not an easy move. You have to really train for that one! Ooh, and let’s not forget the Lemon Lime Flippity Cartwheel Sobriety Test! That one got me out of jail! Actually, it got me into jail…but then, wouldn’t you know, out again!

I think you should invite Sheila, and me, too! We know how to party! Mommies, you’d better hang onto your men, ‘cause Sheila and Mags are rolling into town! We’re coming for ya, Big Daddy! Oops…sorry…too soon, right? When IS the right time to talk real sexy about a reader’s father? I never know!

DAGS: Don’t mind Mags. She was supposed to turn over a new leaf this year, but she’s the only thing that keeps getting turned over. How’s that for sexy talk, trollop? Mags thinks that a trollop is a magical creature living under a bridge. Or do you think it’s a vegetable? Get it: trollop, turnip? HA HA HA! Whatever, at least I am capable of entertaining MYSELF!

There are still respectable women in the world, no matter what you witness on reality television! Some might call me boring and frumpy, but I don’t care. Others say, “Who is Dags again? Is she the smoking hot one who sleeps with married dudes?” To those people I say: no, I am not.

In this day and age, one thing you can count on is financial difficulties. Use this to your advantage. Tell your polluted papa that you cannot afford to invite guests, and have daddy cakes pony up the loot-sie for his tootsie…doesn’t work? Okay, fine! The money for his honey! This might be the only way to force it from her manicured hand, because there ain’t no way you’re ever getting an inheritance at the rate Sheila’s spending. Factor in all the bills from your big day, plus you need a roof over your dim little head and food in your mopey little mouth, don’t you? Oh, and did I mention that the economy is in the toilet now, like the remains of a goldfish that only lived for one brief, happy day? Pretty soon you and hubby will be fighting so furiously that the next-door-neighbors will have the non-emergency police department number on speed dial…but listen to me ramble on! You need to go and get married! Best decision ever! Hooray for MARRIAGE!   

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Greetings! I am the noble barrister Xavier Von Krunkle. I am sad to report that I have been living in exile on an undisclosed tropical island. I am the rightful heir to a major cash windfall, as I have invented many important inventions.

I need to reclaim my rightful position in society as well as my fortune. I am in need of a wife, as well. Won’t you please do me the honor of wiring me $5,000.00 in U.S. dollars? Rest assured you will receive your money back and then some, as I am an inventor of many important inventions, as well as a barrister of Viking nobility and poultry heir.

Godspeed to you!

My Future Wife May Call Me ‘Xavie’

MAGS: Well, I was going to Cabo, but your island sounds way fancier. I think barristers are hotties, usually. Some are a little scruffy for my taste, but the one at Jonesin’ for Java makes a yummy iced rum with a shot of latte. It’s my morning drink of choice, which is important since we’re going to be rich and married Vikings with Polish hair!   

I would SO TOTALLY marry a guy for money, because it’s the best investing! It’s like my granny always said: “You let him put in a little, and then you get a lot!” She was very smart and had an old bag full of money…or was she an old bag full of money?

$5,000.00 seems very fair to me. Thank you for sending me this great email! I learned a lot!

Can’t wait to meet and probably marry you!



DAGS: Ohhhh, ahhhh, aha ahaaaah haaa! I can hear the cartoon birds chirping sweetly in my skull! And in this once empty cavity in my chest, oh my, can it be? It is! A fiercely beating heart! I am reborn! I am ALIVE!

Yes, Mags, yes! You need to marry this man and show him all of your bright red, string-like pairs of underwear! I have a pair you left in my couch cushion last year! I will bring it in for you to mail to your beloved! Who needs Cabo when you can have a barrister, a VIKING barrister, no less! You must go to him, Mags! With arms outstretched…no, I take that back! Suck it all in! Diet for a month! You must be perfect for your love!

An undisclosed tropical island, you say? I cannot imagine a safer place for you to disappear...I mean…run off to! Yes, Mags, Godspeed!


Is it true? Will Mags get her money…I mean man…okay, her money man? Where exactly is this island and will Mags bring her laptop charger? Is this the end of the column we know and love? Well, love is a strong word, but “Bride Dish with Mags and Dags” tested quite well amongst drunks and lunatics of a certain demographic.

This month's pamphlet is titled “Excerpts from the Pieces of Paper I Use for Ripping with the Blue Lines on Them and Also Some Words”. That’s right, folks, for $14.99 plus shipping and handling, you can see what goes on in the mind of Mags! There are sketches! Winking smiley faces! Incorrect lyrics to popular songs! This might very well be a collector’s item and/or part of an evidence locker someday! So join in the fun! 


Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes:  Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.


Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2012 Christina Delia
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