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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: You may have heard of my fiancé, Sammy “The Smorgasbord Hoard” Sanjelofski. He’s kind of a local celebrity around these parts. He’s not making the world a better place, per se, but he is shoveling in absurd portions of food in a ludicrous amount of time.
We set our wedding date for June. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you ladies that setting a June wedding date is basically like setting it in stone (if the stone happened to be stone set with diamonds and encased in platinum). So imagine my surprise this morning when I read the local paper (shout out to everyone at the Bloomsinburgtownwood Herald!) and see that my future husband has scheduled a competitive eating event THE DAY OF OUR WEDDING!!! When I question Sammy he shrugs and says I’m being “dramatic” and that he will have plenty of room in his tummy for our reception banquet! THAT IS SO NOT THE ISSUE!
Please ladies, school me in your wisdom, so that I might not end up as front page news in the Bloomsinburgtownwood Herald for an entirely different reason!
The Smorgasbord is Over
MAGS: I’ve heard of the Bloomsinburgtownwood Herald! Or maybe it was the Nerfenvillagecircletrianglesquare Tribune…you can see where I would get the two confused! Either way, I am totally sure that I’ve had sex on top of one of these two newspapers.
I love a man with a gigantic appetite! I dated a wrestler one time named Igor The Three-Legged Rooster. This was in a different country, I forget which one. Anyway, he had the cutest nickname for me, Harem Member #12. You don’t soon forget a man who makes you feel so special.
Why did I bring Igor the Three-Legged Rooster up? Tell me! No wait, I remember. He had a gigantic appetite for pancakes, but it was not to be. Igor was allergic to gluten. So I poured butter and syrup all over myself for NOTHING!
I think you are being selfish, because weddings come and go, but how many times a year does the average guy get a chance to dunk hot dogs in soda, stick them in his mouth and then swallow them in record time? He might even get to throw up in public! If you changed the word soda to “vodka” and “hotdogs” to “more vodka” I would be right there with him! Oh, but that’s what your wedding is for, right? Okay, what time should I be there? I’d like to skip the ceremony (blah blah churchy blah) and meet you at the reception! PAR-TAY!
DAGS: Mags would be excellent at stuffing hotdogs in her mouth, and I don’t have to explain why. Paging Doctor Obvious! Ha ha ha. I told you people I was funny!
Lately, I haven’t been siding with brides, and it’s mostly because they are whiny morons shelling out thousands for designer gowns that look like kitchen trash bags. In my day, a bride was dignified! However in this case, I am on your side, Smorgas-bride.
You grab that flatulent (I am assuming) man child by his ear and drag him to the wedding. THIS IS THE BIGGEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE! IT IS ALL DOWNHILL AFTER THIS! YOU HEAR ME? ALL! DOWN! HILL! Oh, and P.S. in regards to his “career” ambitions, tell that smorgasbord sack that he will have plenty of chances to stuff his fat mouth full of fatty fat foods. It’s called pick-any-random-day-of-the-week-to-sit- around-in sweatpants, Chunko! Preferably when you’re watching a reality television program where some other guy is trying to lose weight! That’s what married people do! We watch other people’s trials and tribulations on TV and it makes us feel better about ourselves! So think about that when you’re cutting your wedding cake (or is Sammy just going to shove it in his selfish smorgas-face?)
DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am not a bride-to-be, but I need help. I’ve been married for two years now, and I suspect my husband Toby is cheating on me. He works long hours and always makes quick stops at the bank (but never seems to have any money on hand). I work a lot, too, but the other night I came home early and heard him laughing on the phone. He was shocked when I came in, and then quickly became angry. He said he had to “meet a client”, which is weird, because he is a longshoreman. Also, he’s been wearing an awful lot of expensive cologne.
Did I mention that I saw flirtatious emails from strange women on our home computer? What should I do? Do you think my husband is hiding something?
MAGS: Yes, I totally think your guy is hiding something from you! It’s a surprise party! Hooray! Are you surprised yet? I will tell you how I figured it all out, and it’s not just because I used to sleep with Private Eye Herman McMatthews.
First, the clues: he makes stops at the bank but has no money to give you? It’s because he’s spending it on a gigantic birthday gift for you, definitely a car. “Meet a client” is code for “plan the menu”, and since he is a longshoreman, I bet it’s all about the lobster, baby! Expensive cologne is to throw you off track because he probably smells like all of the fancy lobster he’s been personally selecting for your party! Awww!
Those flirtatious emails are probably just your fun party guests with their R.S.V.P.’s! I always flirt with party hosts! It’s how you show your appreciation for being invited! Kind of like how at a wedding a waiter with a silver tray asking “would you care for a salmon puff?” is code for “I would like to do it to you on this silver tray while all of these salmon puffs get smashed underneath our nude, gyrating buttocks”. You know how nude buttocks tend to gyrate? It’s all so innocent, I’m telling you! You are going to laugh and laugh!
People tell me not to trust my new guy, the noble barrister Xavier Von Krunkle. Well, five emails, four hundred texts and thirty-seven sessions of phone sex later, I’m here to tell you we are going STRONG! At the end of the day, it’s about trust. Lust, trust and a double D bust, that’s The Mags Way. Love you, Xavie!
DAGS: Geez, I think you and Smorgas-bride should team up and make front page news! What, I joke, I joke! A life of crime is not the answer. Yet, remember that infidelity is also a crime! They don’t call them the Ten Commandments because they were intended to be shoved in some dusty suggestion box! Please tell us how we can improve our business…but in this case, the business is your marriage.
When I found out my husband was cheating on me, with Mags of all prostitutes…I mean, people, I was bitter. I know what you’re thinking, “How could you tell that you were bitter?” but it was a different level of dissatisfaction. A new scowl was pasted across my face, with deeper frown lines than the previous scowl. Did I get a new man or some Botox? No, I did not. I worked on my problems, because I realized that the only thing worse than being married to a cheating idiot is going back out into the dating pool of available cheating idiots, many of which have criminal records and drug addictions. Worse still, they could “play the ponies” or do worse things to the ponies! No, no horse whisperers for me. No thank you, sir!
Listen up: I’m happy to inform you that there is no surprise party. Don’t be so naïve! Next you’ll be telling me his new career venture is a laundry service where he only launders the lacy thongs of supermodels! I hate to be the dark rain cloud, oh, who am I kidding? I LOVE to be the dark rain cloud…but there is a silver lining (and not just from all of the stripper glitter you find on his boxer briefs!) Marriage is for better or for worse, right? So just remember, his life is hell, and you hold the pitchfork!
Oh, and Mags, let me be the first at Bride Dish to congratulate you on finding the man you deserve! You deserve nothing more than the noble barrister Xavier Von Krunkle. Do you hear me? Absolutely nothing more!
Lust, Trust and a Double D Bust: The Mags Way might become a major motion picture, thanks to Mags’ new beau, the noble barrister Xavier Von Krunkle. He is anxiously communicating with backers of the major motion picture variety. Plans are in motion, and they’re all quite major. Mags needs help financing her new dream that her new beau Xavie talked her into. Won’t you help by sending a sizable donation to Mags, care of the offshore account of the noble barrister Xavier Von Krunkle? Two hundred a piece sounds about right…or would you care to make it three? Remember, this is for Mags! Godspeed!
Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.
Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.