ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) You have every intention of following a program of exercise and eating right this year. This year is nothing like last year when you also had every intention of exercising and eating right, because this year you’re serious and last year you were just kidding. In fact the last 20 years of your life, you were just kidding. But really, seriously, this year, you are going to change things. The stars above are all looking at each other and nodding.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) December wreaks havoc on a girl’s figure. All that rich food, desserts, canapés, drinks. There are cookies and candies in every cabinet, at everyone’s house. The only way to rid yourself of temptation for the remainder of January is to eat everything right now. Just open the refrigerator and all the cupboards, put all the sweets on the kitchen counter and start eating. After 25 shortbread cookies, a box of roasted almonds, a pecan tart and one entire fruitcake, dieting will seem like fun.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) After spending the holidays at your in-laws’ house, you’re glad to be home. You never did figure out how their shower worked (you used the sink and a washcloth), their coffee maker is like a puzzle with no solution, toilet paper is a kept in a locked cabinet in the master bathroom, and the TV remote has 940 buttons, none of which turn on the TV. You can’t wait to host them at your house with the foldout couch you bought at a yard sale on Rikers Island.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) We predict the coming year will bring many more “checked bag” fees for Diana, as she met a new guy while she was home for the holidays and now she’s in a long distance relationship. A long distance affair teaches us about ourselves like: do you like the window seat or the aisle, and how much phone sex you can have without getting a painful crick in your neck. Diana will know whether it’s the real thing, approximately the fourth time she has to unlace her boots to go through airport security.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)The office end-of-year bonus this year was a little skimpy compared to last year. Last year, each person got 2% of their total commissions. This year everyone got a staple remover and a bottle of hand sanitizer. What does this bode for the future of the company? Well, all we can say is: don’t give up your night job. And also the weekend work.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)This month Vesta will spend several evenings at the mall returning all the ridiculous things she got for Christmas. How many electric shoe polishers does a woman need? What in God’s name is she supposed to do with a wood engraving kit? Why does her nephew think she needs a fifth of Jagermeister? The ultimate was the remote controlled helicopter that her husband bought her, and which he immediately offered to set up, take to the park and fly Christmas morning, even though he was still in his pajamas. He was very proud of his gift (to Vesta) but too bad; Vesta is taking it back to Brookstone and getting an electric bathrobe.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)‘Tis the season for Visa and Master Card bills! Once the tree is out to the curb and the fake wreath put back in the attic, the cinnamon-scented candles are burnt to nubs and the eggnog has turned into epoxy, it’s time to pay the Piper. Once the Piper has been paid, then it’s time to open the Visa and Master Card bills. How did you rack up $4100 in debt? All that good cheer has translated into a scary chronicle of impulse spending that will take you until this November to pay off. If only Santa Claus had brought you a substantial trust fund instead of another crew neck sweater.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Leda feels the natural let down after two months of parties and the anticipation of Christmas. January and February loom as cold and endless months, with no vacation in the foreseeable future, and Leda feels like she needs a vacation from her vacation. Explore some inexpensive alternatives. Staying at home in bed and huddling under the blankets for a week is underrated.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21) Just when you think you have your partner figured out, he or she does something unexpected. This proves that you should never make assumptions, and also you should consider putting a lock on your underwear drawer. When your partner starts wearing your clothes, particularly if your partner is a he and you are a she, it’s time to discuss the roles in the family, like who’s playing the maid and who is the rich industrialist. If you both insist on being the maid, there will be discord, and also you’re going to have to get another maid costume.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)People in authority are making major changes in an attempt to save money. The lunchroom is being eliminated and replaced with a petting zoo, and the parking lot is being rented out to a trailer park. This makes parking difficult unless you live in a trailer, and getting the year-end reports out almost impossible as the goats in the petting zoo keep eating the paper. On the upside, you can pet a Llama anytime you feel like it.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) You weren’t able to finish that big project because of all the holiday distractions and now it looms large. For months you started and stopped, got halfway through and quit in dismay, asked for help and then gave up, and tried to pawn it off to professionals and then decided it was too expensive. Now it’s January and you are out of excuses. Buckle down and finish it and you will feel so much better. How long can it take to gift-wrap a bicycle? If you start now maybe it will be done by NEXT Christmas.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Part of the promise of the New Year is the promise we make to ourselves. If you have promised yourself that you will lose 10 pounds, then do it. If you promised yourself that you would clean out that back closet, just go for it! If your promise was simply to find all the tops to the insane collection of Tupperware in that kitchen drawer, there is no time like the present. And if you promised yourself that you would try to be kinder to your husband, your parents, or the doorman, then it is up to you to fulfill this intention. Just do it! [This horoscope has been sponsored by Nike.]
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Comedian ‘Tis the season for awards shows! The Golden Globes are done and soon arrive the SAG awards (Thalia thinks she might be up for one, particularly the way her body is going), the People’s Choice Awards (the people are voting for fewer awards shows) and finally the Oscars, the show where no one knows what movies any of the stars are up for but are well aware of what brand of dress, jewelry and shoes the women on the red carpet are wearing. Why don’t they just call the Oscars The Thin Women Awkwardly Wearing Designer Dresses awards and be done with it?
©2012 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.