ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) This month a simple excursion to do laundry turns into a battle for survival as Athena uses a full cup of High Efficiency detergent in the Laundromat's washing machine instead of the recommended 1/8th cup. Athena watches with horror as the machine window becomes white with suds and the washer shudders wildly. Eventually, it comes unbolted from the floor and tips over, ripping out the hoses and exposing the plumbing. On the positive side, Athena's roommates take her off laundry detail.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) February went out like an anemic muskrat, just as March comes in like a lion with a bad back. This is annoying to Juno as she was hoping February would go out like a bag of recyclables and March would come in like a multi-million dollar Lotto payout. Juno would be smart to buy Lotto tickets on the 4th – not because she's going to win but because the cute lawyer buying a Snickers bar at the checkout may well ask her for her number. He'll mean her "lucky" number, not her phone number, but this is still progress.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)"March Madness" for Aphrodite means that she will sign up for one of those boot camp-type exercise classes. This is part of her 2012 promise to herself to get in shape and become a stronger, better her, or perhaps guarantee a groin injury which will permit her to legitimately avoid sex with her husband for another two weeks.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) Diana scrutinizes her underwear drawer this month and decides she needs some new panties. It's one thing to be comfortable, but another thing entirely to walk around with frayed elastic sticking out of the top of her jeans. It's time to invest in some thongs, which peek out provocatively whenever a woman bends over. Another alternative would be to wear jeans that cover her ass, but that's just giving up. Beauty means pain, as one look at Lindsay Lohan's face will attest to.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) Speaking of Lindsay Lohan's face, Demeter simply must get a pedicure to have her bunions shaved and the cracks in her heels filed away. This is the month for sprucing up and preparing for summer exposure, which we all know comes quickly – when the kindness of thick sweaters and long pants gives way to the cruelty of sleeveless blouses, girly sundresses and strappy sandals. One's feet cannot be ignored, unless you have Lohan-style yellow teeth, in which case no one will be looking at your feet.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Is someone searching for you? Social media would certainly like you to believe this is true. Vesta notes with interest a commercial with a lady who discovers that 7 people are looking for her. Could one of those people be the love of her life? An old flame who wants to try again? A relative with a pile of money they want to her to inherit? Or is it simply 7 people who want to repossess Vesta's car? Perhaps it's an old flame who wants to repossess Vesta's car. Maybe Vesta should hide her car and stay off the Internet, at least until she pays off her car loan.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) Between March 2nd and March 22nd take time to look at your living space and do everything you can to make it exactly the way you want it. Decorating one's home can be a creative endeavor, and one doesn't have to spend too much money to make it look nice. The very first step is to wash that pile of dishes in the sink. If you wait until March 22nd to wash the dishes however, you have bigger problems than home decorating.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) They say if you do what you love, money will follow. Leda finds it difficult to believe that sitting at home watching Investigation Discovery while eating a grilled cheese sandwich will lead to a salary increase, a better-paying job, an inheritance or a pile of cash being left at her door, but she's willing to try anything and this just doesn't seem that hard.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21) The 15th is a good date to learn something new. Sign up for a class at a local Community College that you've always wanted to take, like Salsa Dancing or zipper braiding. Perhaps you've always wanted to know how to clean an anchor or take apart a dial telephone. Your mom never taught you how to make a pot out of swizzle sticks, nor how to clean an oven using kitty litter. After March 16th, the Community College will be closed down, so don't delay.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January19) Look outside the box to find answers to the questions you can't seem to answer on your own. Problems and mysteries you don't understand can be resolved as long as you are willing to climb outside of your usual pattern and peer over the edge of that box which can confine thoughts and imaginative solutions. All you have to do is remember where you put that damn box.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) This month Psyche decides once and for all to give up her obsession with Angelina Jolie's upper arms. The image of these appendages has haunted Psyche since Angelina first appeared clinging like a two-legged spider to Billy Bob Thornton and has continued through every photo of Jolie, holding a child in a stick-like embrace, or waving pin-like arms at a crowd of fans. Psyche has moved on. Now, following the Oscar exposure, she is obsessed with Jolie's right leg.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Tempers on the home front are flaring. Saturn is in your house once again, leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor and putting empty milk cartons back in the fridge like there's no tomorrow. Although Mars is doing his level best to clean up after the self-centered planet, he's no match for his sister, who has threatened to slice him in half with the pizza-cutter she wears around her middle. One of them has to go. If Mars is thrown out of the house, you will meet an old boyfriend, but he will be married. If Saturn is thrown out, you will meet an old boyfriend who will begin to stalk you. It's a difficult choice.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Comedian March brings a major improvement in all Thalia's dealings with other people. Any man she's interested in will be interested in her as well, in exactly the same way. Her parents will get along with each other, and each member of the family will be kind and generous. Friends will ask her to parties and dinners and offer to pay. Thalia has to be willing to accept these good graces and not let her suspicious mind take over. All this good behavior has nothing to do with the fact that she's renting a house with a pool for the summer.
©2012 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.