ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Happy Birthday or more likely: “oh no, not again.” These birthdays are starting to come fast and furious and not in the way of a cool, yet brainless action movie, but more in the way of, “oh my God, this doctor could be my son!” Yes, you’re getting older, but you’re getting wiser, and although you would happily trade wisdom for firm breasts, at least you’ll get to eat cake with impunity.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) April Fools! This month begins with jokes and tomfoolery and ends with a lawsuit, but don’t let that keep you from playing a joke on your neighbor by gluing shut her mailbox. It is so much fun to generate laughter from the frustration of others, especially if no one gets hurt. (It’s also kind of funny even when someone does get hurt, as about 10 million You Tube videos will attest to, but never when it’s you.) However, this month the laughter will be cut short when your neighbor finds out that she won the Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, only the check is destroyed when the Fire Department uses an axe to get her mailbox open. Let’s hope she has a good sense of humor!
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Aphrodite is shocked when something called “Pink Slime” is discovered to be a component found in hamburger meat. First of all, who even came up with the name “Pink Slime” and then thought this would go unnoticed, when the term “Lactose” has been known to break up families? Aphrodite decides it would be a great name for this rock band she’s forming, and also to become a vegetarian.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) Diana’s smart phone turns out not to be so friggin’ smart when it pocket-dials her friend Lisa and Lisa hears Diana tell her friend Beth that Diana thinks Lisa is making a BIG mistake marrying that jerk Mark. Lisa then calls Diana back and Lisa’s “smart” phone decides to make the call a conference call, wherein Beth gets to hear Lisa call her a “slut” and who is Beth to talk when Beth’s relationship with Aidan is so fucked up. Beth is about to tell both you and Lisa where to go, when her phone goes dead after she enters an elevator, saving the friendship. Later, “Siri” from your iPhone comments that she can’t work in this toxic environment and turns her duties over to someone named “Dave”.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)It’s tax season and it looks like Demeter is getting her biggest refund ever! By inventing deductions and plugging in big numbers wherever there’s a question she doesn’t understand, Demeter is reinventing her past. According to her taxes, she’s a freelance sea captain with 11 children under the age of 5. She has a wooden leg and a claw for a hand. In fact, she’s sort of a combination of Captain Ahab, Captain Hook and Kate Goselin. Let’s hope this isn’t a red flag for the IRS!
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Vesta starts out the month with a bang! when she backs into another car in the parking lot at the grocery store. The lady in the other car turns out to be a total witch and starts screaming her head off even though Vesta can’t see a single mark on either vehicle. Next, the crazy lady starts holding her neck and talking about whiplash which Vesta thinks is weird since the lady wasn’t even in the car. Vesta decides if she’s going to be sued anyway, she might as well just punch this lady because it is so, so worth it.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) If you’re single, this is the month for you to be out and about looking for the love of your life. You are feeling confident about what you have to offer to men, and if they don’t see it it’s their loss. You’re smart, you’re good at your job, and you have all your own teeth. You are an excellent whistler, you can fold a fitted sheet and you know the difference between “it’s” and “its” which apparently is the most important thing in the universe, according to people on the Internet. Your matching half is waiting for you which you will realize when he is able to differentiate “their”, “they’re” and “there”.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Leda wonders why she has to buy yet another color printer cartridge when she bought a printer cartridge last month. In fact, Leda seems to be buying a new color ink cartridge every month! Last month it was blue, the month before it was yellow and here we are in April needing cyan. Leda didn’t realize when she went into desktop publishing that she would be spending so much money on ink. She considers changing the name of her magazine from “The World Is Full of Color” to “Hey! What’s Wrong With Gray?”
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21) Echo realizes that the girl she thought was her BFF is actually a TJ, when she gets a text message from her OBFF warning her that her BF is seeing her BFF who she now wants to BIH. This is BN for Echo whose April was starting out so GR8, and who was looking forward to the week between the 9th and the 16th, when she and her BF were planning a vacation and they were going to have GR86. Now she FLATM. (The stars think that means she “feels like a turquoise monkey” but we’re not sure, nor are we sure what it means even if it means that. The stars can only know so much!)
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January19) Pandora spends the beginning of April buying the elements of the charming Easter baskets she is known for. For the children of her friends she’ll include chocolate bunnies, chocolate Easter eggs, yellow sponge chicks, Jellybeans, and speckled malted milk balls, set in green cellophane grass. For the adults, she’ll include Xanax, Advil, Cialis, Lunesta, a fifth of Scotch and rolls of Tums, set in a bed of losing Lotto tickets. Pandora gets invited to lots of Easter dinners!
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) This month Psyche stands in line with her two preteen daughters and 9 of their closest friends to see “The Hunger Games”. They will arrive at 5:30pm for a midnight showing. Psyche will get a pounding headache. The kids will go through three boxes of Milk Duds, 4 bags of M&Ms, 5 boxes of popcorn, 2 servings of Cheese Tacos, 6 boxes of BunchaCrunch, 9 hot dogs (two will be subsequently vomited up), and one bottle of water which will be used to clean up the vomit. The movie however will be pretty good.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Phoebe does a Tim Tebow when she tries on her bathing suit and it fits! Her diet is working! This is what happens when determination and desperation come together in a perfect storm of self-disgust. People can put down self-disgust all they like, but there’s nothing like it for motivation. If it wasn’t for that 3-way mirror Phoebe used in January at the Gap and the comment of the clerk that: “Well, of course you look fat. You’re fat!” she’d still be cowering in that dressing room at the mall.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Comedian Leave the past where it belongs: stuffed in a Spacebag squeezed under your bed. Just like the ad says, you can store anything in those bags. Not only sweaters and down comforters, but also bad relationships, debts, fender benders, terrible wardrobe choices, fights with your mother, and several bad Tequila hangovers. Just make sure you suck all the air out and tamp the bag down completely, just like your sister-in-law does whenever she enters a room.
©2012 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.