ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Summer is nigh and with it comes the sunshine and good weather that fills you with panic and anxiety at the prospect of 1) buying a new bathing suit or, 2) putting on the one you already have. This you will sidestep by simply not wearing a bathing suit all summer. Brilliant! Why didn’t you ever think of this before? Buy a set of sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond; wear the fitted sheet on the bottom and drape the flat sheet over your shoulders. Fashion the pillowcases into a turban, and Voila! You look like a hammock, which is not a bad look for the beach
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) This month the stars say is a good one for you to look for love. Don't be put off by the rejections you receive from those idiots on Match.com, or those losers on eHarmony. Expand your search to other web-based partner search sites, like NotReallyAPervert, IDon'tThinkI'mFat, JobsAreForOtherPeople, MyExWasABitch or MyMotherThinksI'mFineJustTheWayIAm.com. Even if you don't find your soul mate, you'll find the photos extremely entertaining
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) June is a month for experimenting with new beauty regimes, like Latisse, which will cause your eyelashes to grow, Juvederm, which will fill in those "Marionette" lines next to your lips, and Dis-Integrate, which causes the skin on your face to melt off like that guy in "Raiders of the Lost Ark", after which you collect it in a cup, mix it with Silly-Putty and reapply it with a spatula in any form you'd like. You can see the final results of this product by looking at a photo of Donald Trump, who used to be a woman named Dawn.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) Summer is right around the corner and you need to have those feet taken care of, no matter what the Korean ladies are secretly saying. Head to the salon for a Mani-Pedi, by which we mean a manicure and pedicure and not a ride in a rickshaw pulled by two dancers from Chippendales. Although it's tempting to get a pedicure immediately before you get a pedicure, this is a test of your self-esteem; to be able to stick your naked feet in the face of a stranger and expect them to keep smiling. Yes, there was that one guy who seemed to like it a whole lot, but he was the exception and not the rule.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) People with constructive opinions should be listened to all this month, and in general. People with destructive opinions should be listened to from the 11th through the 15th, just because it's your mother-in-law and she'll be staying in the guest room for that period of time. Don't listen to puns or Haikus on the 18th, and stay away from mixed metaphors on the 21st and 22nd. Expect a lot of meaningful pauses on the 27th, but make sure not to confuse those pauses with someone who is choking to death and really needs you to perform the Heimlich maneuver.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) It's so hard not to be petty when pettiness is so damn much fun. But this month Vesta must take the high ground when a friend starts dating a much younger man and brings him around for your approval. This guy is so young he holds his fork like a shovel, and your friend plays "Open the Hangar" to get him to eat his vegetables. You and your friends can share a glance or two, but reserve your snide comments for when she takes him by the hand to the Ladies' Room. Later this month, you find yourself loitering around the playground when your friend describes what this guy did to her in the Ladies' Room.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) Your beach-house share begins this month! This weekend you get to meet the five other people who are sharing the cottage, and decide who gets the "good" bedroom, who gets the "small" bedroom, who gets the foldout couch in the living room, and who gets the mattress in the garage. This is all based on who gets there first and puts their stuff on a bed, so even if the house isn't really quite "open" it's in your best interest to get there early to "open" it, perhaps by smashing a window or kicking in the front door. The rest of your summer depends on your initiative now, so don't let something like "the law" stand in your way.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)This month Venus sends love vibes your way! Whether you have a partner or are looking for one, your love life is on the upswing. Be alert to signs of interest from the most unlikely of people: the maintenance man in your building, the waiter who takes your order, the guy teaching the Driver Re-education class, the Russian lady who always yells at you for taking her clothes out of the dryer. No, seriously: she might have a son.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21) There will be big news at work this month. Someone gets let go, someone else gets a promotion and a third person gets caught in the ladies room making love in one of the stalls. Which one will you be? That's the fun of the future, about which the stars know just what they tell us in the memo. No matter what comes your way, make sure you're wearing glamorous underwear. Even if you're the one getting fired, at least you'll know your underwear is sexy.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January19) When you look for love, look for honesty, sincerity, and empathy. You will end up with a man who is honest, sincere and also needs to lose 10 pounds. It's a lot easier to find men this month, because they are not all indoors looking at porn but instead out at sports bars pretending they're watching "the game" but really hoping Kate Upton shows up in a tight shirt and a loose attitude. How can you get their attention? Drop your keys in their beer. Knock over their beer. Lick their leg. Take off your pants. Why do women have such trouble meeting men? It's so simple.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)With summer approaching, you need to spruce up your wardrobe. Deals can be found on summer dresses between the 4th and the 8th. For cute sandals, check out the stores on the 15th, 25th and 27th. Check out bathing suits on the 9th and 10th, but NOT on the 14th, unless you want to end up sobbing in the dressing room. Avoid shorts through the end of the month. Actually, avoid shorts entirely – no one but a 17 year old looks good in shorts.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Be careful who you hook up with this month. Some guy might seem nice, but you get in a relationship with him and 6 months in, he starts ranting like Mel Gibson, only without the money. Some guys are cute, but 6 months in, they turn into John Edwards, only without the law degree. A guy might flatter you sweetly, but then about 6 months in, you find out he's gay. The stars' advice? Break up with the guy after 5 months and you'll be happy forever.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Comedian You are not the sort to hold back if something needs to be said. This is why you're no longer speaking to your mother, your mother-in-law, your brother, your ex-boyfriend, your present boyfriend, your hairdresser, all six Starbucks barristas at your local coffee shop, and the bus driver on the route to work. This month, dial it back a bit, Thalia. Stay true to yourself, certainly, but refrain from telling your boss his hair looks like the stuff you scrape out of the lint basket in your dryer. June is a great month to keep your job, as are all the other months of the year.
©2012 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.