PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Technology Explained, Finally!

By Libby Zimmerman

The powers that be here at HWHQ decided that it was time for me to get a handle on

technology. (Personally I think they broke my dictaphone but I can't prove anything.) Fortunately, I have my nephew Sidney living in my guest house and Sidney is a computer genius (as well as very handsome and single) and he taught me everything I need to know and more than I want to!

This has been the most boring month of my life and I have done it all for a paycheck and for you my dear sweet readers so please, enjoy your enlightenment!

THE HAPPY WOMAN MAGAZINE GUIDE TO COMPUTERS:

BLOGS

Blogs are places where people who have many opinions store their excess ones.  They are usually long and tedious. The blogs, I mean. The writers are usually squat and tedious.  They are geared mostly toward people who find daylight irritating and for whom bathing is optional.  "Bloggers" look exactly like they sound.

CELL PHONE

A cell phone is something a boss gives you to keep you from sneaking off to Palm Springs in the middle of the week.

COMPUTER MOUSE

Many computers run on rodents.  I use a mouse for mine. It is called a mouse because it is creepy and hard to hold onto.

COMPUTER OPERATING SYSTEM

It can be MacDonald's or Windows or Linus but nothing else. All of them are wonderful and terrible. The operating system is like your furnace; you only notice it when it isn't working.

EBAY

A place to buy crap if you don't have a local flea market

FACEBOOK

Facebook is a place where women show pictures of their babies to people they hated in high school. You don't need opinions like in blogs, you don't even need to know how to spell or think.

FAX MACHINE

You put a piece of paper in the slot, it shreds the paper into thin strips that you then deposit in a garbage can.

THE INTERNET

The Internet is a place held together by wires on the information highway. You can't see the wires because they are so high up in the air they become invisible. Each of these wires goes up a street and each of these streets leads to a website.

KEYBOARD

The keyboard is the thing in the way of your coffee, luckily, if you push a button on the front of your computer (try a few, it won't hurt anything) a coffee holder will slide out.

MONITOR

When you type, the letters appear on a thingy called a monitor which is just like a TV without any good shows.

PAYPAL

A place where you throw money up into the air and hope the guy you bought pleather car seats from catches it.

RSS FEED

Something to keep your RSS from starving.

SEARCH ENGINE

Runs on fossil fuels.  You type in a word or a phrase and if you have a nephew living with you it brings you lots of pictures of naked ladies.

TWITTER

Twitter is a machine where you type in stuff to fight with your in-laws. My girlfriends from the Real Housewives of New Jersey use it all the time. Personally I'm of the opinion if you can't say anything nice don't get caught, but I'm old fashioned  like typewriters and manners. You can also use Twitter to promote your clothing or jewelry line.

TUMBLR

Where you steal other people's work to express your individuality.

WEB LINKS

On a web page (which is part of a website) there are things called links. Do not click them unless someone is with you because if you do it too quickly you will spread a virus.

WEBSITE

A website is called a website because it is round and has lots of silky fibres. Websites are where newspapers go to die. They can also be used to sell people things that they would be arrested for buying in their own city.

WIKIPEDIA

Wikipedia is exactly like an encyclopedia only wrong.