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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Glitz Pageant How-To Guide

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

So, you’ve decided to enter into the glamorous world of glitz pageants! Congratulations, but fair warning: these pageants are not for the faint of heart!  Glitz

pageants are, according to Pageant Director DeeDee Menuiere “The most classiest of all the pageants. We rely mostly on facial beauty so if your child aint pretty she don’t stand a chance.” Menuiere also warns that glitz pageants are very expensive. Your  child will need a pageant dress,  professional pageant photos,  a hair and makeup artist, tanning artist and  nail artist. As well there are the pageant entry fees, and if you need to travel ,your hotel and transportation.

“Pageants for sure, aint for poor people.”  Menuiere said daintily sipping a Diet Coke. “Or fatties.”

Starting Out

It is never too early to enter your child in pageants, as witnessed by the pageant world’s newest competition: Little Miss Ultrasound.  A beautiful dress and a little Robitussin go a long way!

Once your child is ex utero you will need professional photos of your little competitor. If the photos are good you won’t recognize your child at all!

Toddlers can be very unpredictable but with a little imagination and a lot of dedication, they can become big winners. The promise of a puppy or a daddy will motivate these children in unimaginable ways! As an added bonus, toddlers also have faulty recall so it isn’t even necessary to follow through! (Good news for the allergy prone!)

Practice, Practice, Practice

Ideally, by pageant day your child should be able to do her routine in her sleep, Midnight surprise drills may be the best way to determine if this is so.

 Grooming

All children love gel nail tips and spray tans no matter how loud or hard they scream and beg you to stop. When the stinging/and or pain subsides they will thank you. Make a point of having them do that so they will know how much they appreciate it.

Little girls generally have uneven or missing teeth so a flipper is absolutely necessary, in a pinch you can make your own with a little plaster and patience  but a professionally made flipper can last for years if you get one she can grow into.  Consider it an investment as it may be a terrific substitute for braces in her preteens.

It is not advisable to make your own clothing, as dresses are not brownies. If you are in dire financial straits then you might consider ebay.com or Craigslist where dresses can be purchased for as little as a mortgage payment!

Pageant Day

Pixie Stix and Go Go Juice (recipe below)  should give your tyke the kick she needs on the day, however some particularly difficult children will experience a  sugar “crash.” If your child is prone to crashing a little chaw of chewing tobacco or a shot of Jack might be just the tonic.

Pageant mothers need a lot of stamina, it takes a lot of strength and energy to pin a tot down while someone pastes false eyelashes onto her.  The secret? Carbs upon carbs upon carbs in the days, weeks and months leading to this event. These will give you the energy you need to wrestle your young one to the ground as well as act out her routine behind the judges. 7-11 is the pageant mother’s friend as it will fill all of a busy pageant mom’s needs. There is nothing like the sugary goodness of a 44 ounce Big Gulp, 3 donuts and 4 taquitos to get a mom through pageant morning.

One of the most important and sometimes overlooked elements of a glitz pageant?  The judges themselves! No one knows much about these enigmatic adjudicators save they come from all walks of life.  From the  make-up counter at the mall to the make-up counter at the pharmacy these eagle-eyed and spiky lashed professionals will be evaluating your child from the second she hits the stage.

Make sure to get the judges on your side from the get-go. Butter up the judges, literally! This is where homemade counts. Cookies, cakes, candies are all appreciated by the hard-working panel, as are flowers and automobiles.  

Special Tip

Remember, Jesus is everywhere but he is most especially at child beauty pageants. If you have prayed to Jesus and your child wins then Jesus loves you! If you have prayed and your child loses then Jesus does not love you or your child.

How to Handle Losing

It could happen to any one of us. (Well any one of us who does not have an extraordinary child) you’ve worked hard, you’ve spent thousands of dollars,  but still little AleckSis received Miss Congeniality or Miss Photogenic  or Princess or some other loser title.

Many children do not know how a pageant is structured. At first they may not know that not being called means that they’ve “pulled” (remember this word ladies as it is one of the most important words in pageant lingo) a bigger title, usually something Supreme. A lot of pageant mothers have experienced the heartbreaking moment when a child has won a title such as Princess or Division Queen and, not knowing how badly she has screwed up, the child stands on stage thrilled to bits, smiling a mile-wide grin with eyes sparkling modelling the crappy crown. 

Recognize that this is a very important time, perhaps the first time in your little girl’s life that she will experience losing. You must handle this properly.  Simply taking your child by the hand telling them they did well and exiting with a gracious smile does nothing for anyone. Dragging your tot out by the arm and not speaking to her makes it clear that you are disappointed .Yelling “This is bullsh*t” will force the judges to  take you more seriously in future and. As an added touch you may wish to throw the sash or crown in the garbage (you can go back and get it later.)

Pageant Moms are often criticized for living out their fantasies through their children.  DeeDee Menuiere told us that this is patently false. Menuiere swore she was perfectly happy  being fat and lonely in a small town where everyone knew your daddy drank.

GoGo Juice

·         ¼ Quart Mountain Dew

·         ¼ Red Bull

·         2 packets Splenda

Pageants can give one poise, self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment.  They may also do good things for your child too.

Sparkle, Baby!

©2012 Sharon Grehan-Howes