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By Savannah Lawless
What's the best way to keep your man from straying? Aside from dieting down to a size -0, getting DD breast implants, having your lips injected with collagen for that bee-stung look, eliminating cellulite with liposuction, and getting hair and eyelash extensions, the next best way to make sure your man stays faithful is by keeping on top of the hottest sex trends! As usual, we've done all the work for you by engaging in exhaustive field research to bring you the sex tips and ploys that will keep your man happy. Here's what's in and what's out for 2012.
Bondage and discipline is so 2011! Throw away your corset and vinyl thigh boots, get a refund on your dungeon membership, and quit wearing that outdated whip necklace! But don't throw the baby out with the bath water; you can still use your hairbrush for actual grooming purposes.
IN: The Missionary Position
The classic coupling position has been neglected for so long that it's now back in fashion! Couples everywhere are finding new levels of intimacy in making love face-to-face. Men and women we talked to made comments such as "I'd forgotten her eyes were green", "I remember now how much his cleft chin really turns me on", and "Wait a minute; you're not my husband. Are you?"
OUT: Brazilian Bikini Wax
No longer must you submit to the painful procedure that has underpaid, non-English-speaking women rooting around in your nether regions and pretending they've actually been trained to do so. Forget about the pain, the crying, the screaming that occurs when you're presented with the bill.
IN: Hair Fetish
As European style influences continue to wash up on the beaches of this country like fetid, rotting seaweed, the ongoing European love affair with body hair is one thing that's worth adopting! Gone are the days of bald legs, armpits and pubic areas. In are the days of lush, luxurious hair on every part of a woman's body. This year at the beach, nothing could be trendier than the peep of pubic dreadlocks poking from your bikini bottom!
Let's admit it: we all hated butt floss from the get-go. Thankfully, that trend is officially dead. Show your environmental consciousness and jump on the 1970s nostalgia bandwagon by macrame-ing the awful things into attractive plant hangers. Alternatively, you could braid them into emergency fire exit ladders.
IN: Granny Panties
If you thought your guy went wild for a glimpse of thong peeking over the waistband of your jeans, wait until you see his reaction to the six-and-a-half inches of white nylon panty you'll be showing off next time you bend over in front of him to pick up the can of green beans you dropped in the Wal-Mart! In case you've forgotten, the proper way to wear granny panties is to buy them a size larger than you need, then pull them up and tuck the waistband into the bottom of your bra. Oh, yeah!
And there you have it! Put these tips in your bag of seduction tricks and your relationship will last longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage.
*Based on a survey of 17 residents of Cooter, Oklahoma.
©2012 Elizabeth Hanes
ABOUT SAVANNAH LAWLESS
Eschewing formal credentials, Savannah Lawless has built a relationship advice empire based on her extensive real-life experience (including eight marriages to five men and countless failed relationships) coupled with a near-total lack of sobriety. When she's not sipping martinis on her patio, overseeing the operation of her sprawling New Mexico ranch, or jet-setting, Miss Lawless finds time to author books, including Slap & Tickle: Putting Romance Back into Your Relationship. Her newest book, forthcoming in Fall, 2002, from Intentional House, is tentatively titled For Love of Money: My Most Lucrative Divorces - How You Too Can Cash In when His Love Cashes Out.