JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)Now that the holidays are past, Juno can settle back into the peace and quiet of her own home: without visitors, and without visiting. Back to ordering in Chinese, back to leaving piles of mail on the dining room table, and back to Season 1 of "Girls". Who needs friends and family when you have HBO?
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)
This month, Aphrodite finds a new way to communicate with her loved ones. After too many misunderstandings and missed signals, after one too many suspicion-filled arguments that began with "Where were you?" and ended with "You never hear what I'm saying!" Aphrodite has decided to switch her cell phone carrier from AT&T to Verizon.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) Diana must make sure she gets her flu shot this month, since everyone is saying the flu will be brutal this year. Even though Diana has known some friends to purposely attempt to get the flu just to drop a few pounds, she is above such idiotic and immature reasoning, opting instead to do a cayenne pepper and lemon cleanse for 10 days.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) You must sacrifice something this month that will be a trade-off for good things in the year to come. What are you willing to give up? Your morning Venti cappuccino? Your evening "Entertainment Tonight"? What would you be willing to give up to all of a sudden find you have a 23 inch waist? Personally I would give up my younger brother, but that's just me.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Vesta has to tone it down a bit this month, particularly from the 17th to the 19th. On the 20th, she can be her wild and crazy self. It is essential that she becomes "chill" again on the 23rd, but she should be loud and aggressive on the 25th and 27th. Don't let anyone pin you down Vesta; you are your own women, er... woman.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) The problems you face are those you've created yourself. Overeating, drinking too much, staying up late and watching 19 episodes of "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" over one weekend have all contributed to a loss of energy, weight gain and a strong desire to throw a glass of wine in someone's face. Turn off the TV and drink the wine; life will suddenly feel good again.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) If colleagues and co-workers want to play games this month, let them; don't you get wrapped up in their pettiness. Instead get wrapped up in the pettiness of your sister or a girlfriend either of which you can insult and they can't fire you.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21) You're faced with a big job this month and you dread it. What this really is about, Echo, is your need to be a perfectionist. This means that everything you do involves an element of stress. Echo needs to learn to be a bit more half-assed about everything, like the rest of us. Of course if Echo is my plastic surgeon, ignore this.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January19) The 1st through the 17th are already past, thank God. That leaves only half the month to get through, which should be no problem as long as you stay inside the house from now until February. The only thing that could go wrong is if you let your ex-husband in, or your 16 year old daughter out.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) Don't mix business with pleasure this month unless you want to end up dating the guy who sells your company its copy toner. He's not such a bad guy; it's just that his fingers are always stained with ink, which gets all over your house and makes it look like a scene out of "Law and Order: SVU". One the other hand, if something goes wrong, his fingerprints are all over the damn place.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) January will be a cold month for Phoebe in more ways than just the weather. No one answers her calls, no one emails her, no one tweets her, contacts her via Facebook, or even pages her at work. What's up? Maybe it's that Phoebe has the flu. This winter, that's enough to get one shunned from family, friends and coworkers. Better to have Bubonic plague; at least you'll get sympathy.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Comedian Stand your ground this month even as it seems to be shifting beneath your feet. Things you once believed (like the faithfulness of your boyfriend or that you're a size 8) no longer seem to be true. January is the month for realization and recognition. It's either that, or an earthquake.
©2012 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.