Athena finally gets around to reading "Fifty Shades of Gray" and is now as horny as John Mayer at a Grammys after-party. Athena looks at every man now with curiosity about his basement. Although it would be thrilling to meet a cute guy with a dungeon, an equally exciting basement find for Athena would be a stackable washer dryer.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) Spring approaches and so do good things for Juno. If she keeps thinking positively, a successful month lies ahead. The problem is to keep her thoughts away from negative things, like Lance Armstrong and chewy calamari. Think instead about sleeping kittens, dirty martinis and Channing Tatum's abdominals.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)
Beware the Ides of March, which means: beware of people who might try to metaphorically stab you in the back. This could happen at work, or at home, or even in line at Whole Foods. It's best not to turn your back on anyone, which admittedly will make standing in line to get your driver's license renewed a tricky proposition.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) "March Madness" doesn't necessarily apply to Diana although she is angry at her husband for forgetting their anniversary in February. If anything, this month it will be "March Irritation" or perhaps "March Really, Really Annoyed". Try to forgive him or else prepare for "April Pouting".
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)
Try to be tactful if you need to explain something to someone who just doesn't get it. Whether this "someone" is a small child, a co-worker, or the guy who does your dry cleaning, use words that are neither condescending nor insulting. Words like "idiot", "moron", "lame brain" and "doorknob with eyebrows" are bound to complicate matters.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Use your commute to work to your advantage. Finish that novel on the train, or take your bike to work and get some exercise. Learn a language in the car, or read the whole newspaper on the bus. Turn passive time into active time. Just don't turn passive time into passive-aggressive time, or the people behind you at the stop sign will lay on the horn.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) In anticipation of spring, you feel like your wardrobe needs an update. Let your wardrobe know that all the other clothes are pairing off with extremely high heels, and that mini-skirts are making a comeback. This is juicy gossip for your closet and your outfits will appreciate the news. Always keep your wardrobe happy and it will keep you happy. A mutinous wardrobe will shrink one size smaller overnight.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) As much as you would like to, you can't do everything on your own. You need to know when to ask for help. If you don't know how to retrieve an email you deleted by accident, ask for help. If you need to get the copy paper on a high shelf, ask for help. If your hand gets stuck in the vending machine while you're trying to get an ice cream sandwich out, ask for help. Don't let pride stand in your way, especially if you really want that ice cream sandwich.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21) A friend asks a big favor this month that you find difficult to honor. It's not that you don't like her husband or lap dances in general; it's just that the outfit she's asked you to wear is ridiculous. She just doesn't understand the value you put on comfort. Explain to her that if you can do the lap dance in sweatpants and a t-shirt, she's got a deal.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January19) An old lover comes back into the picture this month, and your present lover asks: who is this guy in the background by the palm tree? Use Photoshop to crop this old lover out, unless you want him back, in which case use Photoshop to delete your present lover. It's amazing what Photoshop can do these days!
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) March brings a financial windfall to Psyche. Do not take it to Vegas and put it on "7". Do not invest it in the stock market. Do not donate it to Wyclef Jean's Haiti "Charity". It's best to put it in a modest, low-yield savings account or just go out and invest it in some makeup at Sephora.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Phoebe is especially sensitive to criticism between the 11th and the 15th. From the 16th through the 20th however, she will feel like she's on top of the world. From the 21st through the 26th she will lie in bed and cry. On the 27st she will give up caffeine.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Comedian SIt's a long slog between March and June. Plan a getaway for you and a loved one. Even three days away will rejuvenate you and improve your mood. Better yet, leave the loved one at home and take three days off with a good book. Or better still, a terrible book that's fun to read, like "Fifty Shades of Gray."
©2013 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.