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Kim Kardashian's Pregnancy Journal
By Melissa Larson
11/30/12: OMG! The moment has come that everyone in the world was waiting for – I am having a baby! Kanye, too, I guess. Forget Brangelina and their stupid brats; this is the kid EVERYONE was waiting for.
This is so perfect. I am going to get so many amazing endorsements, plus major cash from the tabloids. I just hope Baby K doesn't get more attention than I do. Ever since Kourtney's kids were born, it's like she thinks everything they do is more important than me. I hope I don't get like that with Baby K—I mean, everyone knows that I'm the one who's most important!
12/1/12: Mom is already secretly plotting to take Baby K and pass her off as her own daughter. One of my bodyguards, who I hired to keep tabs on Mom, overheard her talking to her lawyer during one of her snake venom facials. Apparently, she's planning to either draw up papers to demand full custody or just kidnap the kid outright. She so needs to get her own baby.
12/4/12: That bitch Kate Middleton just announced that she was pregnant! Before I could! OMG, is she joking? I am SO over her trying to upstage me! That royal palace must have a spy over here in LA to keep tabs on what I'm doing. I bet as soon as they saw my positive pregnancy test, they were all, "Quick! Find an excuse to announce Kate's pregnancy early, before Kim Kardashian can!" I bet they faked her bad morning sickness just to get a jump on me. First her wedding gets more attention than mine, now this. No one would have even cared about her wedding if her sister's ass hadn't looked so good, and everyone knows she stole that move from my playbook. Now I'll have to tell Kanye to announce the coming of Baby K at one of his shows or something. That little Kate better watch herself.
12/22/12: Kourtney has already offered to breast-feed Baby K for me. I don't know. Would that mean that, like, Baby K could end up looking like Kourtney? You know, by drinking her milk? I'll put it on the list of things to ask my doctor. Right after I ask whether or not I'm really pregnant. Don't pregnant women have big stomachs? Mine isn't big. I think their test was broken.
12/27/12: Trying to figure out a name for Baby K. Obviously, the name has to start with K, and obviously, it's a girl. That stupid doctor says it's too early to tell, but please. The only way boys get inside me is after they mount a tripod and sign the release form. So I need a girl's name that starts with a K. It's hard! I really like "Queen" and "Hermes," but Kanye says those names don't start with K. WTF! How can he tell? He's so smart. But then he suggested "Katherine" was a nice name, "Kate" for short. Thank God it was a day we weren't filming, because his face is JACKED UP now. To explain his face, now we have to film a scene for the show saying that he fell down some stairs and hit his face on the crystal candelabras. I wanted to have him film actually falling down the stairs, but he got really mad, and said that if Chris Brown had asked Rihanna to do something like that, she would have gone all Barbadian on him. Whatever, I am so over it. Maybe I'll name Baby K "Kim Kardashian's Daughter."
1/5/13: Hermes doesn't make a Birkin diaper bag. Like, are they joking?
1/17/13: Just did a phone interview with one of the tabloids, and they asked if I had any pregnancy cravings. I told them I'd been craving lobster mac and cheese and chocolate chip cookies, but that I limit myself only to a bite. Yeah, right. I told them this as I finished off a mixing bowl filled with lobster mac and cheese with broken cookies crumbled over it for the crust. Khloe is the best cook ever!
1/28/13: Putting together plans for the nursery. I may or may not have hired someone to see what Middleton is doing with hers.
2/6/13: Had an ultrasound today! Baby K is already the most beautiful baby ever (duh, of course). Only one thing – the doctor pointed out that there were two strange horns growing from her head, and a tail with a sharp arrow dangling from her butt. Whatever. My plastic surgeon said the same thing happened with Suri Cruise, and it was fixed with a quick procedure pronto.
2/7/13: Stupid ex-husband pushed back the divorce again. I am SO OVER this! I bet Middleton doesn't have to put up with this crap. Of course, her kid will probably come out neighing and whinnying.
2/9/13: Seacrest is really pissing me off lately. He STILL won't get off my ass about televising Baby K's birth. I am so over him! I already told the media people no, and pointed out that it was more Kourtney's style than mine to do something like that. (LOL, you should have seen her face. She was so mad, it was perfect.) But how could I possibly have Baby K's birth on film? First of all, I haven't been able to bleach my you-know-what lately. That stupid OB Gyn told me not to. Second, I'm worried about Baby K's horns and tail on tape. I don't think that would look good. Plus, the other day, I felt this, like, stabbing against my abdominal wall, and I think I saw a pitchfork jutting out! Kanye says not to worry; maybe it was the diamond-encrusted baby seal that I had just eaten. Still. I think I might give K. Holmes a call…
2/20/13: My brother Robert just asked if he could be the godfather. I keep forgetting I have a brother! Kanye told me to write it on my hand. But then where would I write all the stuff my publicist tells me to say?
2/22/13: My stomach is getting bigger! OK, I guess I am pregnant! Those ultrasound things must be real!
2/28/13: Why are there only 28 days in February? And sometimes 29? Is it because February doesn't want to turn 30? I totally get it. I hope Baby K is born in February. Then she'll never turn 30, either.
3/1/13: I have to stop writing this journal. It's taking away from my Twitter time, and my fragrance sales are down. Maybe Baby K will pick this up when she learns how to write. I'll even hire someone to edit her spelling and grammar mistakes the way I did with this one (and you didn't have to laugh so hard, you editor nerd. And remember that no-talking-about-what's-in-this contract that you signed. You really will wind up buried under a Walmart, and I can't imagine a worst fate.) OK, well, bye journal! If I can ever give you a part on one of my shows, I certainly will.
©2013 Melissa Larson
OTHER HW ARTICLES BY MELISSA LARSON
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Melissa Larson, a native of North Jersey, teaches high school English to New Jersey’s fine youth.