EST. May 2000 (AD)


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By Crystal Click

After a literally ground-breaking 8 day study performed by the North Washougal Institute for Adiposity, Dr. Kristina Sveltendski has released an eating plan that is sweeping the country. In the three short months since Dr. Sveltendski announced her findings to the American Council of Pompous Overpaid Individuals, thousands of women have gone from portly to pretty. Bovine to Divine. The basis of the Bovine Metabolism Diet is so simple you may have heard it already. The story behind it is so fascinating you will want to hear it again and again.

Formerly a stoutness management psychotherapist, Sventhinski was intrigued when patient after patient made references to cattle when describing their weighty issues. As you well know, the bovine kind are famous for their excessive abdomens, wide hips and sagging mammary glands. Dr. Sveltendski grew increasingly concerned as the corpulent-cow and upholstered-urban-woman connection played out in her mind.

"My hypothesis was, if it makes Ol' Bess a big fat cow, it will make Jennifer or Jane or Kelly a big fat cow. Birds of a feather all spread together so I knew there was something physiological causing the girls to marble up."

After milking the existing body of data, Dr. Sveltendski projected a correlation between the rise and fall of bovine metabolism and the foods they ingest. In six months, she had solicited enough grants to paper a padded cell.

Kristina's "Bovine Dining" project, as it was dubbed by her staff began in a rural Wyoming farming community. The study included a whopper, sorry ...whopping total of 9,000 Guernseys, Jerseys and Herefords. Animals were imported from 6 continents. A control group of 3,000 cows were kept on their regular plant based diets of greens and whole grains mimicking USDA food pyramid. Three thousand were fed powdered diet drinks twice a day patterned after the nutritional regimen of such woodland creatures as the Giselle and a generation of Moss-like plants. The final three thousand were fed a diet tailored to match the food intake of various lean carnivorous animals. This feeding plan including whole chickens and live squirrels.

Each cow was meticulously weighed and measured on day one and day eight. To the amazement of Dr. Svelt's staff, the control group not only failed to maintain their weight, they collectively gained 4,500 pounds. Clearly the plant based diet was wreaking havoc on the delicate metabolism of our participants. Remember this next time you pause by a salad bar.

Only thirteen of the protein shake cows made it to day eight. By day four, 50% were wearing belted trousers ranging from two to four sizes too small and tucking in their lycra tops to show off their new figures. By day six, 90% had bleached their hair and run off with new studs they had met online. By all accounts, Dr. Sventhinski and staff cannot recommend the powdered drink mixes to any creature, much less humans, with taste buds or taste for that matter. In any case, the weight loss was questionable. When the wayward cattle sent in before and after photos, the only differences noted by Dr. Sveltendski's staff were the now smiling expressions and the flexed abdominal muscles.

Finally, group number three was weighed and measured. Victory! The raw protein group didn't just maintain they lost a total of 6,972 lbs! The climax is best relayed in Dr. Sveltendski's own words:

"When the cows were weighed there was murmur of disbelief among some of the younger members of our staff. So I called Wendy McQueen, the head of our feeding department to verify the authenticity of our results.

"Not only did Wendy verify the results, she sent up another shock for the day. One Hundred Percent of our previously super size eaters in group three exhibited a rapid drop in appetite after the very first live squirrel (which we admittedly had to force feed many of them). When the chicken carcasses were laid out the next morning not a single cow ventured forth. By changing their diets from cellulose plant based products to raw and/or living protein, we accomplished hunger management, a 100% turnaround in the BMI of the entirety of the bovine group three population and we came in several thousand dollars under budget."

"The concept is so basic I am forgoing the usual book deals and rights exclusivity of my findings and freely proclaiming: If you look like a cow, then you are probably eating like one. In conclusion, I have three words meat, meat, meat. The fresher the better. Chicken tartare, sushi, sweet and sour pork au naturel. The world is a grassy meadow and you don't have to eat it."

Dr. Kristina, now weighing 87 lbs after following her own diet, neglected to mention an added benefit to living the NeoBovine way. If you choose the all natural approach and harvest your own forest creatures as opposed to ordering them prepackaged from Sveltco, you will enjoy the added benefits of a cardiovascular workout. Each year or two a diet phenomenon hits the country by storm. This one hits the broad side of the barn. Give it a try.

Other HW articles by Crystal Click:



Crystal Click comes fresh from rural America with an internet ready name, a hard-working husband and several small children with home hair cuts. Contact Crystal Click (Remove x before sending)