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By Mike Boone
For those of you who are really looking to have some good, old-fashioned fun out in the fresh air and sunshine nothing quite beats your open-air beer garden - but you're too fat, so you're stuck with adult league baseball - one of the few team sports where drinking beer is actually a part of the game.
signed up and joined a league, you must compete with the other out-
of-shape wannabes for one of the positions on the team. But which
is good but it's not without its responsibilities. You will have
to excel at scratching yourself, chewing snuff and spitting. It
takes a certain flair to look cool while warming the bench and don't
forget the calories you use are in direct relation to where and
how often you scratch.
This position is one-step up from benchwarmer, except you might be asked to squat. On the upside, you get to wear the protective equipment but on the downside, you might also be required to prove that you can actually fit into the protective equipment. Most of all you will have to be able to squat.
This is the most sought after position after benchwarmer. As the hurler, you will get plenty of exercise as well as ample opportunities to make direct eye contact with members of the opposite sex. The only requirement will be to demonstrate a firm grip on the ball. Just follow a few easy directions and that part will become a snap.
with a low calorie orange. Putting the stitching arc at one side
spread your index and ring fingers across the seams. Place your
thumb underneath, creating a gap between it and the forefinger.
Tuck your pinkie finger under your middle finger for support. Do
not squeeze. To throw, extend your pitching foot forward until the
cleats overlap, and then pull your stationary foot back. Shoulders
should be parallel with your hips. Flex the knees, relax, place
your weight on the balls of your feet and pay the cashier for the
orange. Go home. Lie down. What could be simpler? Except maybe shortstop.
Shortstop is often considered the glamour job of the team. You are responsible for initiating all the rich and vibrant infield chatter that makes the game come alive for the fans.
EXAMPLES OF INFIELD CHATTER
burns the most calories, as this is the person required to argue
with the ump. A good first baseman can possess more entertainment
value than the hottest pitcher in the league. In his day, Jimmie
Foxx could vehemently contest a ruling on a foul tip while still
managing to sneak in enough confusing data on the infield fly rule
to reduce even the most seasoned umpire to so much blubbering, burbling,
babbling balls of belly button butter. (This, by the way, tastes
pretty darn good on toast.)
is for losers. No matter where you have to throw the ball, it's
If you doze off for even an instant you could get your bridgework
rearranged by a crisp line drive.
This was always
thought to be the ideal position. That is until the advent of the
portable, handheld video camera. Nowadays every blooper reel has
at least ten examples of fielders running into each other or running
into the fence or losing their pants or lying in a pool of blood
with a compound leg fracture screaming for help while the benchwarmers
are using the cold packs to chill their beer and encouraging them
to walk it off.
a turn at bat so I may as well touch on that subject as long as
you've read this far. Batting can be broken down into twenty-one
4. Bat selection
6. Hitter's triangle
11. Bat angle
12. Pitch selection
15. Weight transfer
18. Follow through
21. The tantrum
you throw when you strike out
on number twenty-one. It's important to recognize that only a rookie
will give him or herself away by slamming down the bat and crying.
No, no good. Here's how it should be done.
Allow the drama
to build by remaining dead still. Stand at the plate and stare out
into left field. Hold the bat at your side. Slowly loosen your grip
until the bat slides dramatically to the ground. Without fully releasing
your grasp, stamp your feet and scream.
Using a two-handed,
reverse grip, pound the bat on the ground until something breaks.
(This will require some practice to get it so that it looks sincere
Drop to your knees and smash your head against home plate several times. Now, and only now, should the tears begin to flow.
This is the
critical point, when you start to roll around on the ground tearing
at your clothes and hair, which signals the coaching staff to rush
onto the field and carry you back to the dugout. If done correctly,
this will burn four or five hundred calories on even the most routine
Baseball - great exercise, great sport, matched, perhaps, only by the bank holiday Desperate Housewives all-day marathon.
©2006 Mike Boone
OTHER HW ARTICLES BY MIKE BOONE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike Boone graduated from the Visual Language Interpreter Training program and published an article, Interpreting: The Development of the Profession, in an alternative communication magazine. He realized that writing was his own preferred form of communication. He went on to have humor pieces published in the likes of Rampike magazine and the Knucklehead Press. You can locate his screenplay parody in the March 1, 2004 issue of the online Ezine, Fools Motley. In 1998 he won first prize in the comedy category of the American Songwriting Competition. He's just finished his first book, Mike Boone's Guide to Dieting, a send up of diet/fitness books.