PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Breathe Your Way Thin

by Sirena Ventura

Women, as a whole, don't breathe. Okay, we actually do breathe, because if we didn't we'd be six feet under, rotting in a maple box, but honestly, we don't really breathe well. Not the way Mother Nature intended.

We are sallow breathers. No, that's not a typo. It's not "shallow." It is "Sallow." We look yellow and sickly and aren't breathing to our full capacity, and that in turn makes us lethargic and anemic-looking. Sort of like Mary-Kate Olsen on crack, or Lindsay Lohan after she ODs on her asthma inhaler.

By some astonishing luck and several hours of searching we stumbled across an amazing weight loss system that is helping women all across the world obtain a thinner waistline while simultaneously achieving Nirvana. It was created by a woman who is now 79 ½ years old, (but still looks and feels like she's a youthful 78). Her tush is high and her bazoombas are firm and hardly sag at all. And all the credit is due to this incredible new breathing system called "Body Flicks."

What is "Body Flicks," you ask? Put simply, it's a very special way of breathing that just "flicks" the fat off your body. Given, it's very slow flicking process and you won't lose body fat overnight. In fact, it might take decades, but scientifically it's fat flicking, nonetheless.

Now, let's see if you're up to the Body Flicks challenge!

Can you place your hands on your nose and bark like a dog three times? Yes? Well, then you too can do Body Flicks! It's that easy.

Here are three of the 44 positions that comprise the building blocks of Body Flicks. Some of these positions may seem a little strange, even bizarre, but we swear to you, if you follow these steps, you WILL lose weight. You might also scare your neighbors, but that's just another benefit of Body Flicks. You'll never have to share your sugar again.

Anyway, here we go.

First position: "The Hacking Dolphin"

1. Sit down. Anywhere you want. In a chair. On your Sugar Daddy's lap. On the toilet. Wherever.

 

2. Let all the air out of your lungs. Then cross your eyes, close your mouth and quickly suck the air through your nose. Don't worry if you taste blood. That's normal.

3. Hold for 15 seconds, or until you're blue in the face.

4. Now, push all the air out of your lungs, making a screeching sound, sort of like you have a bad case of emphysema. It will sound freakin' odd, but that's okay. Do you feel it tingling? Great! Then you know it's working!

Second position: "The Flying Sputnik"

1. Again, be seated. Breathe deeply, then blow out. Breathe deeply once again, but this time, hold your breath, stick out your tongue and burp loudly. This works the throat muscles, giving you a tight, taut neckline that even Joan Rivers or your nosy neighbor (watching you through her Venetian blinds even as we speak) would appreciate.

And last, but not least, the third step: "The Lapsed Swan"

1. Lie on the floor on your back. Pull your legs up to your chest and suck in all the air you can. Then scream at the top of your lungs. Do your lungs sting? Good! That means you're doing it right! Do this 18 times. 19 times if it's leap year.

2. This move is the one with the most fat flicking potential. Plus, your neighbors will think you're having incredible sex and definitely stay away from your front door.

Women, follow these steps and you do can be thin, svelte and stress-free. At least until your irresponsible and nosy neighbor Mrs. Horowitz comes over to borrow that sugar again. Why can't she buy her own damn sugar? Hell, we don't even use sugar, but we don't want to share it with her. Hey! Mrs. Ho! We pour our sugar onto the floor and roll around in it for fun! With the dogs! How do you like that? Come over again and we'll show you just where our sugar has been. That oughta make her think twice...

Copyright 2006 Sirena Ventura

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sirena Ventura is a "Jacklyn" of all trades, dabbling in most creative venues. She lives in Southern California with her husband and her miniature schnauzer. In her spare time she likes to knit and dance to the musical stylings of KC & the Sunshine Band.