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By Mike Boone
As bathing suit season rapidly approaches, normal people, as you would expect, have begun to examine their asses in a whole new light. After a winter of failed diets a single thought dominates the consciousness, "What went wrong?" It couldn't possibly be a lack of will. Anyone who can sit through a sixth grade spelling bee without screaming out, "There are two "O"s in isometropia, you stupid, blithering, little, four-eyed boob!" has strength of character stacked up the yin yang. So what then?
After twenty odd years of dieting there is only one place left to look. It must be the food itself. Makes perfect sense in a perfect sense sort of way. Or does it? Before taking that theory to the next level allow this humble author to get in a word on the subject. In my new book, "I'm Not Really A Doctor But Who Wants Medical Advice From A Janitor?" I explore actual case histories of desperate people who were so obscure they couldn't even get on VH-1's CELEBRITY FIT CLUB and were forced to confront weight loss issues without the benefit of cameras or giant, novelty scales.
Let me relate
the saga of one sad individual. To maintain his dignity I won't
be using his real name. Instead, I'll simply refer to him as "Ponderous
Pete." Ponderous Pete needed to lose one hundred and ninety-seven
pounds for his class reunion. He had tried several crash diets without
success. Now time had elapsed and the reunion was only two days
A desperate Ponderous Pete saw fasting as his only salvation. (And he would only have to shed ninety-eight and a half pounds per day.) It was the obvious choice. He died at 4:30 that same afternoon. The coroner's report revealed that despite the torture he had put himself through he had actually gained four and a half pounds.
Poor Ponderous Pete. He did not realize the human metabolism requires a balanced diet replete with vitamins and minerals and complex carbohydrates. Living off his own body weight was far too rich in saturated fats so naturally he gained weight. The sad irony was that the Alumni Association had forgotten to invite him anyway.
Equally heartrending is the case of Meaty Marion (her real name) whose sorority was getting back together after twenty-seven years in dry dock. Sadly, during the preceding decade, Meaty Marion had acquired a few extra pounds. Actually, despite the fact she was only five foot two, the height/weight ratio chart said she should have been well over eighteen feet tall.
After fasting for just one week she saw a vision of Odiendia, Queen of the Broccoli Stalks, who ordered her to prepare the world for the coming of Joezaboulo, Keeper of the Sacred Key. Fortunately for Meaty Marion one of the SWAT team members was a graduate of Jenny Craig and, recognizing the symptoms, tossed her a box of Milk Duds.
After watching an episode of Oprah, Meaty Marion was diagnosed as a low self-esteem case and was encouraged to go out and buy a new dress so she could attend the party feeling much better about herself. So she did. To her enormous relief she found her fears had been totally unfounded as none of her sorority sisters could recognize her now that she resembled a mastodon. Therefore, she grabbed an apron and pretended to be one of the catering staff. Not only did she overhear some juicy gossip but she earned enough in tips to pay for her new dress.
Where had Pete and Marion gone so wrong? What could they have done different? Was there a safer, more natural alternative they could have turned to for rapid weight loss? Fortunately the body has developed an ingenious method for dealing with excess lard. It is called radical surgery in which great incisions are sliced across parts of your body and a long plastic rod is inserted to knock some of those stubborn clumps of fat off the good meat so they can be neatly vacuumed up and fed to livestock where they reenter the food chain thus starting the entire cycle over again. You can learn more about this cycle as well as fantastic money saving tips on do-it-yourself auto repair by purchasing my best selling DVD, "I'm Not Really A Master Carpenter But Who Wants Their New Home Theater Installed By A Janitor". A bargain at any price but an absolute steal at $24.99.
©2006 Mike Boone
OTHER HW ARTICLES BY MIKE BOONE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike Boone graduated from the Visual Language Interpreter Training program and published an article, Interpreting: The Development of the Profession, in an alternative communication magazine. He realized that writing was his own preferred form of communication. He went on to have humor pieces published in the likes of Rampike magazine and the Knucklehead Press. You can locate his screenplay parody in the March 1, 2004 issue of the online Ezine, Fools Motley. In 1998 he won first prize in the comedy category of the American Songwriting Competition. He's just finished his first book, Mike Boone's Guide to Dieting, a send up of diet/fitness books.