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Are you sick of knowing no
one who sees you in a backless dress will ever be able
to count your vertebrae? Disgusted that no one ever says
to you, "You're so thin! Are you ill?" Morose
because you know whenever you wave goodbye to loved ones,
your upper arms are going to flap like bedsheets on a
You're not alone. Research
indicates that 99% of women have given up on calorie
counting. But it doesn't have to be this way. Just because
you've given up on weight LOSS doesn't mean you have
to give up on weight GAIN.
The Fatkins Diet eliminates the unwanted side effects of dieting: cravings, hunger, and weight loss. Designed for the woman who's made a conscious decision to let herself go, this carefully structured eating plan will help you feel full from sunrise to sunset, while at the same time reducing your energy level to near zero. No longer will you feel the urge to exert yourself through tasks like vacuuming or bathing. Instead, you can lie around all day, watching re-runs of "Angela: The Baby Who Shouldn't Have Been Born But Was and How She Overcame All Odds to Become Queen of the Pygmies" on the Lifetime Network for Women.
Phase One: Induction
The name "induction"
signifies that the purpose of this phase is to induce
your body to shift from being shaped like an unlit taper
to a fully melted pillar candle. During induction, you'll
change your body's chemistry to achieve "cellulitis"
and "osmosis." "Cellulitis" prepares
your cells to accept more fat than they ever thought
they could hold. "Osmosis" is the process by
which the body adds fat via the ocular nerve.
Induction is designed to do all of the following for you:
During induction, you'll get
all of your nutrition from high-calorie junk foods, such
as potato chips, deep fried Snickers bars, non-diet colas,
cheese-covered cheese tortellini in cheese sauce, and
Lucky Charms. You'll soon learn what a misnomer "empty
Unfortunately, the induction
phase is not how you will eat for the rest of your life.
This part of the diet only lasts two weeks. Enjoy it
while you can.
Phase Two: Putting On Weight
Congratulations on making
it through the induction phase! Not everyone accomplishes
this difficult step. At least, not everyone accomplishes
it without developing a fatal embolism.
As you move from phase one
to phase two, you will tailor the Fatkins Nutritional
Approach to your unique tastes. The POW phase is similar
to induction in that you'll continue to get most of your
nutrition from fats, but you'll also begin incorporating
more variety into your menu. You'll add more portions
of cookies and candy bars, and most people will also
be able to gradually add non-fried meats, non-Wonder
bread, and even the occasional vegetable.
Remember, however, that when
you move away from the rigid structure of induction into
the POW phase, you're re-entering the world of "real"
food, where you must make sensible choices to avoid slipping
back into an eating pattern that leads to weight loss.
You must fight the temptation to indulge in things like
apples and broccoli. Yogurt should be avoided at all
Phase Three: Lifetime Maintenance
Hedonism. When it comes to
eating, that word sums up the Fatkins approach. You have
a right to be as fat as you want to be. And so, this
phase is all about feeling satisfied.
At some point, a well-meaning
- if fanatical - friend is going to tell you the key
to dieting is counting calories, counting carbs, or counting
fat grams. That's way too much math! Let's set the record
straight so you can deal with these diet infidels and
convert them to the Fatkins way.
The most noticeable difference
between the Fatkins Nutritional Approach and other eating
plans is simple: hunger. The "counting" plans
always add up to one thing - acute starvation. On the
Fatkins Diet, you eat whatever you want, whenever you
want it. This eliminates the number one reason most diets
Another problem with the "counting"
diets? They cause you to lose weight! When a person loses
weight, they begin to suffer serious side effects, like
energy. The Fatkins plan, on the other hand, induces
indolence. Not only can this lead to some pretty rewarding
results, such as the kids' being forced to wash their
own dishes, but if you're among the very fortunate, you
might even make it into the Guinness Book as the "world's
The Diet for the Rest of
You know you don't care about
being thin anymore. Heck, these days you barely care
whether that was mouthwash you gargled with, or yesterday's
coffee. You hate your job, you're exhausted, and at this
point you'd exchange your firstborn child for a bag of
Lay's potato chips and a Barcalounger.
It's time. Join the Fatkins Revolution.
Associate Editor Elizabeth
Hanes holds a degree in creative writing from the
University of New Mexico. Her nonfiction articles and
stories have been featured in "Collector's News," the
Colorado Springs "Gazette," and the Pikes Peak or Bust
rodeo program. She also is the wicked, wicked mind behind
Munching Valium by day and sipping champagne by night
are what keep Elizabeth a "happy woman."