PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Hula for
Health!

By Elizabeth Hanes

Shake up your workout routine by discovering this ancient art form!

Cher does it. So does Elizabeth Taylor. Not to mention Emme, Anna Nicole Smith, and Roseanne. In case you haven't heard, hula is the trendiest workout going! Hula is an age-old Hawaiian dance form. It requires little skill, mainly an ability to wiggle your hips and enjoy ukulele music. But as these Hollywood luminaries have discovered, hula provides a terrific aerobic workout!

"The stomach stapling was all well and good to initially shed that 280 pounds," says Roseanne, "but to stay trim and fit, I wiggle into my grass skirt and shake my booty every day."

Now you can take advantage of this craze and hula for health every day. Here's how:

First, you'll need to assemble the appropriate workout gear. Start saving lawn clippings now, so you can sew them into a grass skirt throughout the summer. Figure on needing about eight large trash bags of clippings to create one skirt. (Quick-start method: take a weed whacker to your neighbor's ornamental pampas grass or small palm trees. Do this at night and make sure they don't have any barking dogs.) Use a very fine needle and thread to join the blades of grass together until you've got a bushy skirt. Attach an elastic band to the top, and you're ready to go. Also, don't forget to make similar grass ankle bracelets, one for each foot, to get an authentic look.

You can wear any old bra top, if you wish, but the really ambitious (and not extremely endowed) can make a coconut bra. Simply chop a coconut in half with an axe or chainsaw, scoop out enough of the white flesh to accommodate your bosoms, and join the two halves together with twine. You'll look sensational!

Next, you need to find some old Don Ho or Tiny Tim records (it's doubtful you'll be able to find them on CD, so you should dust off your turntable or 8-track player). Fresh tropical flowers for your hair wouldn't hurt, either.

Put on the music and start imitating the hula dancers you've seen in old Bob Hope movies. Swish your hips back and forth while you make pretty gestures with your arms and hands. That's all there is to it! The average hula workout burns about 20 calories per hour. You'll be shedding excess fat and toning those tummy muscles in no time!

For a step-by-step video guide that includes several selections of top-rated hula music, PLUS complete instructions on how to make money by setting up a hula studio in your neighborhood, place $47.50 (US) cash in a plain brown paper bag and tape it under the sink in the women's restroom located on the "L" concourse at the Honolulu Airport. Don't forget to include your name and address! Allow 6-8 weeks for delivery, 7-10 years if convicted.

©2001 Elizabeth Hanes