PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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MAN-EATER'S DIET

By Elizabeth Hanes

As anyone who's ever watched "Sex and the City" knows, serial dating and sexual encounters are the ticket tostaying dangerously thin. Now the scientific principle behind this truth can be revealed: men contain no nutritional value, especially when all you do is chew them up and spit them out!

Forget about exercising and calorie-counting. On the Man-Eater's Diet, all you have to do is date. And have sex. Constantly.

Try this sample menu and you'll be hooked!

Breakfast:

1 cup cold black coffee

1 coffee-colored fitness trainer

Wake up next to trainer. Remember how he screamed with lust at your foreplay technique and how he later murmured he "might be falling in love." Creep out of bed. Drink the remains of last night's coffee directly from the pot. Quietly let yourself out of his apartment. Feel smug about having given him a fake name and telephone number.

Lunch:

½ garden salad

2 Tablespoons fat free Italian dressing on the side

1 breath mint

1 impeccably tailored investment banker

Drizzle dressing over salad. Flirt intensely with the investment banker. Eat the breath mint. Walk him to his Mercedes. Have quick, mind-blowing sex in the passenger side bucket seat. When he begs to see you again, take his card and promise you'll call later. Don't.

Dinner:

4 large martinis

assortment of sushi

1 married, mid-level Today show producer

Sneak off to a respectable hotel. Begin ravaging the mini-bar before he arrives. Tear off his clothes the moment he walks in. Order in sushi on his credit card. Have passionate sex for the next two hours. Fake seven or eight orgasms. When he implores you for another rendezvous, smile and give him a false cell phone number. Slip away into the night.

Snack

1 medium-sized attorney with a high-end firm

Haunt a fern bar in the mid-afternoon. Approach your target directly and ask if he would be willing to see you immediately about an "urgent matter." As he follows you down the dark hallway toward the restrooms, whirl and fondle his crotch. French kiss breathlessly for several minutes, until he gropes you with unquenchable desire. Stop abruptly and say, "Things are moving too fast." When he beseeches you to finish the consultation, ask for his card and promise to call. Don't.

Tips:

- It's perfectly all right to date the same men for up to a week at a time. After a week, they begin to lose their freshness and you should discard them immediately.

- Like vegetables, men come in a wide range of varieties. You may have to try several types before finding the most palate-pleasing one for you. Use your past experiences as a guide. For instance, if you don't like okra, chances are you won't care for southern men, either.

- Warning: this diet may become addictive. Should you experience any signs of overdose (happiness, satisfaction, an aversion to spike heels or miniskirts, a desire to "settle down"), you should seek professional treatment immediately. The usual remedy is to pick up two traveling businessmen from a local bar and call neither in the morning.

©2004 Elizabeth Hanes