EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Skin Deep

by Crystal Click

Beauty is never "only skin deep." The excess baggage you carry inside can mar your visage just as surely as a raging cold sore.

So you've dieted down to 0% body fat, shorn your locks, cropped your fingernails to the quick, and exhaled. You step on the scale - another disappointment. That impossible last few pounds won't melt away despite your best efforts. If you are continually irked by your unattainable goals for outer beauty maybe it's time to works on your insides.

Take your kidneys...literally. Do we really "need" two kidneys? How redundant. An adult kidney can weigh up to five pounds. One simple kidneyectomy and gone forever will be those nagging few pounds separating your waistline and size 2 jeans.

Other optional body parts: that darn old appendix, tonsils, gall bladder, ovaries, uterus, breasts-ok, keep the breasts if you must-but since you only consume food three days out of seven anyway, who needs over eight yards of intestinal tract? A straight connection from the esophagus to the "other end" is so much more efficient. Esophagi don't usually extend the full length of the torso, so post-surgery you may have to swagger about in an exaggerated stoop but think of how little you will weigh! Having to consume all meals in close approximation to the bathroom should only be a minor inconvenience.

Before you write off this more visceral weight loss option as risky business, you have to remember: weight loss surgery isn't new. Liposuction, Roux-en-Y gastric bypass, and lap band surgery are not only tried and tested, they are downright hip. Therapeutic Organ Elimination surgery, TOE, is the new kid on the chopping block. TOE, formerly available only in developing nations (as a means to boost gross national product and feed live stock), is now available at 186 sites in Los Angeles alone. Depending on whether you opt for a big TOE or a little TOE, you can become 5 to 50 pounds lighter in a single day. TOE is ephedra free and has relatively few side effects.* If TOE doesn't sound right for you, you can always continue clothes shopping at the tent and awning for the next forty years or so.

In the words of Pierre Auguste Renoir:

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains."

*Preliminary data shows side effects are almost always limited to death and/or death (the latter being the slow and painful variety).

For autograph requests or donations to the charity of Crystal Click's choice (which she lovingly refers to as "the telephone bill") email (Replace x with @ before sending)

©2003 Crystal Click


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