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How to Get a Diamond for Christmas

By Sheri Zollinger

Ah, Christmas! That magical time of year when we realize that it truly is better to give than to receive. The bible, with its gold, frankincense, and myrrh, teaches us that the best gifts are small, expensive, and impractical. So, the most Christmas-y thing you could do this season is to let your guy experience the joy of giving you an engagement ring.

But, being a man, he may not figure out for himself that he wants to surprise you with a three-carat marquise-cut solitaire, so here are some tips on getting that diamond:

1. Get him thinking of marriage.

-Inform him that if you were his wife, you could never be compelled to testify against him in court. Oh, and did he know he talks in his sleep?

- At dinner, throw Rice-A-Roni at him as you hum the wedding march.

2. Get him thinking of rings

- Remember how Ralphie got that Red Ryder BB Gun in "A Christmas Story"? No, Santa was not the answer. Neither was sticking his tongue on the frozen pole (although YOU may want to try some tongue action, if you know what I mean).

Ralphie got his heart's desire by telling his parents, on every possible occasion, that he wanted a Red Ryder BB Gun.

You do the same. When the boyfriend asks you if you want coffee or tea, say "What I want is a 2-carat pear-shaped diamond in a platinum band, thanks."

- Along the same line, leave Zales advertising inserts (with the ring of your dreams circled) where he will see them, like taped to the TV screen, on top of his dinner, and glued to your chest.

3. Use threats and ultimatums.

- "The Rules" says that if he hasn't proposed within a year, you should "shake things up" by going away for a weekend with your girlfriends, or getting very busy at work. (As a Rules girl, you accept that sometimes you have to turn to lesbianism or sleeping with coworkers in order to make a man realize that you are a creature unlike any other).

- If this doesn't work, then you may have to try something drastic, like communication. Tell him that you want an engagement ring for Christmas, and ask him if he is going to give you one. If he says, "Anything is possible, I suppose" then hand him the Zales ad. If he says "You'll get a box of cherry chocolates, just like last year," inform him that if you haven't received a diamond by the 10,233rd time the mall plays "Silver Bells," you will be forced to walk away and never see him again. Of course, if he says he can live with that, then you really will have to walk away and never see him again. Or kill him and buy yourself a nice cocktail ring with the insurance money. It's really your call.

The "Ring for Christmas" FAQ List:

Q: What if he buys me something else, like a house, as a token of his commitment?

A: Can you impress your friends by extending your hand and flashing a HOUSE at them? Do you think you are too good to obey the rules of our society, one of which being "If he wants the milk, he must marry the cow and buy it a piece of pressurized carbon to prove that he loves it"?

Q: My boyfriend did give me a ring for Christmas, but I don't like it. Can I make him get me a nicer one?

A: Of course. Kiss him and then tell him although this ring is "sweet," it just doesn't make your fourth finger look loved and cherished. Add that all the girls say that it's not a man's shoe size that indicates how big he is in other places, it's the size of the rock he gives to his fiancée. That should do the trick.

Q: If I break up with the guy, can I keep the ring?

A: Although some etiquette experts and misogynistic lawyers say that if you break up with him, you should return the ring, most agree that if you get it as a GIFT, you can keep it no matter what. Which is why we so strongly urge you to get a diamond for Christmas this year.

©2002 Sheri Zollinger

Other articles by Sheri Zollinger: Thanksgiving - Enjoy the holiday without gaining a pound!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sheri Zollinger, along with Scott Clevenger, is the author of SUBLIMINAL CINEMA: LIFE LESSONS FROM LOUSY MOVIES, a book which presents the profound and life-altering lessons to be gleaned from movies like "Batman & Robin" and "Driven," as well as the expert relationship advice to be found in films such as "Coyote Ugly" and "Glitter." She lives alone with her cats.

Send your comments to Sheri

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