PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Reaching Holiday Perfection: What Part of "Yes" Don't You Understand?

by Kate Heidel

We are striving for perfection here, ladies, not balance. Remember, "stress" is one of the 21 Happy Woman words for "joyous holiday" and is therefore to be sought, not avoided! Please review our glossary for other useful synonyms, among them "guilt," "exhaustion," and "acid reflux."

Always remember: At holiday time, coffee is your best friend. Also make it your basic nutrient for December: Coffee drinks, coffee candy, coffee covered coffee beans. You know the bit about "sugar plums dancing in their heads"? You will have them dancing all over the house if you're doing coffee correctly. Think of them as your little encouraging spirits, offering up such holiday preparation nuggets as, "Hurry, hurry!" and "What are you sitting down for when there are cookies to be cut and lights to be hung and popcorn garlands to be strung and wreaths to be woven and trees to be baked and presents to be frosted and bells to be hollied and holly to be bollied . . . !!!"

Once properly jacked up, feel free to follow our pre-tested pathways to flawlessness. Each comes complete with its own Perfection Score as calibrated by our infallible Happy Woman Holiday Perfect-o-meter. Remember: a score of 100 means you can sit down!!

INVITING YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW TO STAY FOR THE HOLIDAYS: 50 points

Seeing that you could be halfway to angelhood just by doing this one teensy thing, points will be docked as follows for these perfection-hostile chinks in your overall performance:

INVITING YOUR BOSS AND ALL YOUR COWORKERS OVER FOR A HOLIDAY PARTY: 12 points

Twelve may not seem like much, but you get bonus points for each of the following easy-as-pie add-ons!

For heaven's sake, that's a potential 40 points! You're almost there!!

Successfully complete only two of the following five-pointers, and you've reached Perfection!

© 2008 Kate Heidel

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.

 

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