PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Jenna's Diary Week by Week

A new installment of Jenna's Diary will be up April 1st

Tuesday

Simon is a clown.

Oh, God.

He's not a birthday-party -balloon -sculptor clown, which is good,  I guess, I don't know.  He is a bouffon clown which is some sort of European thingy and it is supposed to be terrific.

His clown character "Kristoff" had a hunchback and a limp and the story was about…something. It involved a tarp and a lot of frightened looks and squeaks. The audience loved it so I did too.

The Elm St. Factory Theatre is more Factory than theatre. There were about 40 folding chairs and the stage was marked off with masking tape.

I had no idea of what to wear so I wore my LBD. Whoever said you could wear a little black dress to anything is an idiot. You can't wear it to a clown show. If you do, you look like Jacqueline Kennedy sitting with a bunch of goat herders.

We went out afterwards with a few of Simon's friends and they are so cool (actually, rather unpleasantly so if I am to be honest.)

I was hoping that Simon would come home with me because I'm ready to take the next step. I think he has been such a gentleman until now and I thought that it would be really romantic doing it together for the first time after a show but they all wanted to go to an after hours club and I was exhausted.

I wonder if there is another name for a clown that sounds more like architect or doctor.

Wednesday

Went over to Julie's place last night. I am so over that baby. You can't even have a conversation with Julie anymore. I wonder how much brain matter you lose in the placenta? I got a chance to tell Julie a little bit about Simon but she fell asleep before I got to the clown show which was just as well.

I have no idea what to get Simon for Christmas, I know he's not getting me anything because he doesn't believe in the holiday so that leaves me stumped. I want to get something that says "Hey, you're special" but not something that says "Hey, I'm desperate." If I made him something I'm sure he'd appreciate it but I suck at crafts.

I've got almost all my Christmas shopping done. I bought three bottles of wine and a tree-like plan that smells sort of like a Christmas tree. I got a Big Mouth Billy Bass for Mr. Van Heusan and I'm giving my mother the copy of "The Laws of Attraction" that my Aunt Josie gave to me about five years ago.

It's a good thing I'm conscientious because just as I was about to wrap my mother's present I realized that my Aunt Josie had written an inscription to me. I tried to white it out but it made the page chunky so I took a razor and cut the whole page out. Hopefully she won't read the book. That way she won't notice.

Friday

Last day at work this year. Yay!

My mother wanted to have a Christmas party. Ugh. Sure,  that's what I want to do the last day of work, spend even more time with my mother and her boyfriend. My mother suggested inviting the staff from shipping up for a holiday drink and I suggested she take a Valium. 

I did stay for 15 minutes for a drink because I'm a really good person (and I also didn't know if Mr. Van Heusan gave out Christmas bonuses when he is tipsy.)

My mother keeps asking me questions about my "special someone."  I feel bad because she is so naive sometimes. Last month she asked me what a hook-up was and I told her it is the same as a date. Two days later she's telling the coffee guy that she and Mr. Van Heusan have been hooking up for years. He looked like he was going to be sick.

Before I left, she told me that on Christmas they would make a very special announcement. (If she is pregnant I will, for sure, kill myself. I doubt that she is because a) she is a hundred years old and b) drunk on sherry. )

Saturday

I met Simon at Toby's Bar and Grill and he was there with  some of his clown friends. Although I don't really like any of them I liked being part of a couple on Christmas Eve.

As we walked to my place a light snow started to fall and I was certain my heart would burst with happiness.

Merry Christmas Jenna!

Christmas Day!!!

Oh, my god this is the most romantic Christmas I've ever had and Simon is the most amazing lover I've ever had even though we officially didn't do "it".  He is into Tantric sex so we just did a lot of staring but it was very sexy. God, he is so deep that sometimes even I don't understand him and I'm pretty deep myself.

I gave him the hand-knitted Sherpa hat that I got at the St. Lawrence Market and he loved it!  I was a little disappointed that he didn't get anything for me even though I knew ahead of time he wasn't going to. Still, it would have been nice.

We made breakfast together and I had the best Christmas morning since I was a kid.

Afternoon

Oh God, seeing my mom and Mr. Van Huesan through Simon's eyes has really been enlightening. She really is bourgeois, something I'd always suspected but now am certain of, now that I know what it means.

I forgot how much my mother went in for Christmas decorations. On the front lawn there is an inflatable Santa that pops in and out of the chimney an inflatable snowman waving, an inflatable polar bear sledding, three inflatable presents dancing and a huge inflatable snowglobe.  At least they should have been doing these things but as usual my mother forgot to plug them all in and it looked like a Christmas Town massacre.

Once you walk in the house there are motion sensor doo dads everywhere dancing and shouting at you. I almost punched a parrot when he screamed "Happy Holidays!" in my ear and the shimmying Santa was just rude.

We made small talk for a while and Simon was brilliant as he asked her all kinds of questions and treated them as if they were people. I couldn't read the expression on my mother's face. I'm not sure if she was impressed or if she had gas.

Mr. Van Heusan loved the Big Mouth Billy Bass which just proves how lame he is and my mother who always suspects the worst of people asked me if the book I gave her was the same one my Aunt Josie gave me! Seriously? Who asks that?

They gave me a cheque which was exactly what I wanted and they gave Simon a box of Turtles. (He thanked them but suggested they give them to someone more needy.)

Dinner had a few snags, like when Mr. Van Heusan started carving the turkey. He gave a plate to Simon but Simon gagged and told us that he would not, under any circumstances, eat turkey. He told us in detail about the inhumane slaughter of the birds and the poor conditions in which they are kept.  And if that weren't reason enough he told us about his friend Robert Muir who broke his leg during a protest at a chicken farm. The leg still bothers him when it rains and he has a slight limp when he wears moccasins.

For solidarity I refused my turkey too (although it is my favourite, favourite, favourite of all time) but thank God Simon said that people must be true to their own personal beliefs and that he would not impose his on anyone.  

It was beautiful and I was so grateful, but of course my mother had to ruin it by saying "Were any of your friends maimed by scalloped potatoes? Because if so, we're going to have to go to the market."

Uck.

Finally they got to the big announcement. Mr. Van Heusan stood up, clanged his spoon against the wine glass (spilling Manischewitz all over the table I might add, which if I'd done it I would have been crucified but since it was him...) and said that he had asked for my mother's hand in marriage.

That's it? That's the big announcement? They've been living together for two years  and this is supposed to be a surprise?

Simon, I guess seeing the expression on my face, raised his glass and made a toast. He said that although marriage in his mind was an outdated institution, he fully understood why people of a certain generation who didn't have options would embrace it therefore he said he gave them his blessing and wished them love and health in their few remaining years together.

My mom who would not recognize a beautiful moment if it bit her on the butt said very sarcastically. "Oh, coming from you that means a lot. Hopefully we'll make it till New Year."

How rude.

We had coffee and pie in the living room and then we had to go because Simon had a rehearsal (that still gives me a thrill to say that! Although I didn't say what he was rehearsing for. I'm going to have to break that one gently to my mother.)

All in all it was a pretty good day and a nice Christmas.

1:00 a.m.

What does he mean marriage is outdated? Does this mean he doesn't ever want to get married?

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Excerpt from Jayde: An Extraordinary Woman in Ordinary Times

An Unathorized Autobiography By Jenna Thompson

Jayde watched intently as the knob slowly turned. The signal from her cell had died and her special spy-type communication device needed batteries which she meant to pick up in Germany but didn't on account of being followed by an assassin.

The ledge was narrow and slippery and her mile-long legs in sexy black knee high boots struggled for purchase. Breath from her sexy pout fogged the window and she wiped the cloud with a graceful bejewelled hand.

The large oak door started to open and the ancient squeak brought Jayde back to a place in the far distant past.

"Come along Jayde, we will be late for the orphanage if you don't come immediately"

Jayde wrapped her tiny porcelain arms around her handsome father's long legs. "Please papa I will be a good girl, please let me stay here with you."

Jayde's father pried open the little girl's fingers and pressed a medallion into her tiny unsweaty hand. He leaned down and whispered "Never forget who you are." and then he disappeared into the manor house.

"Papa! Papa! Please don't let them take me!" But it was to no avail the two attendents bustled her into the waiting vehicle and drove away.

"I've never forgotten who I am Papa" Jayde said in her sexy purr and jumped off the ledge.

 

 *****Continued next week Last week

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