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I am so hungover I wish I could die. I've been vomiting so frequently and so violently that I've broken blood vessels in my eyes. I look like I've been punched from the inside.
I'm going to move. I'm going to move far, far away and start a new life. There is nothing for me here. Oh, God.
I've had my phone turned off since Sunday and I've haven't gone near the computer. I just can't face anyone especially Julie and Christine. They are going to be FURIOUS.
When I can lift my head off the pillow without using my hands, I think I will go to Booster Juice get a Carrot Cleanse and then I'll go for a jog. When I come back I'm sure I'll feel loads better.
No messages, no texts, nothing on Facebook. Oh, God, this is really bad. What do I do?
That Carrot Cleanse made me feel sick again. It was either that or the fries I ordered from the restaurant next door. Ugh, and the jog didn't do anything except move a whole bunch of things that shouldn't move. I only got ten feet before I thought my ankles were going to snap and my head was going to roll off.
I am at an all time low.
It's not all my fault! If Christine hadn't asked me to be a bridesmaid then none of this would have happened –also, what kind of idiot has an open bar?
I'll admit I was a bit tipsy before I got to Christine's. It was a wedding, I was celebrating! They cracked open some champagne while we got our hair and makeup done and then there was some sparkling wine in the limo. And sure, I had a flask, but that was just in case old people fainted. At the reception, through no fault of my own there was wine on every table and the socially irresponsible open bar. I only did what every other person would who hated their life as much as I do would have done. (I can't correct that sentence right now because my right eye keeps crossing.)
Besides, I'm not making excuses for myself, but I don't think me being drunk was the whole problem.
First of all the ceremony: not only was it too long, everything was in the wrong place. Why would they make me go down the aisle first if they knew I hadn't gone to the rehearsal? Isn't that kind of stupid?
And my dress. Not only was it ugly, was very itchy and the church was way too hot, seriously hot. I'm surprised that no one else felt it. I tried to take off my lace shrug during the ceremony but Julie pinched me and when I justifiably yelled out in shock and pain the entire bridal party shushed me. Rude.
I don't think Christine had any business shooting me dirty looks for talking during the service to her aunt in the first row. I really thought she was going to faint. If she had fainted everyone would have been all "Wow, wasn't great that Jenna saved Aunt Lois's life?" but I be she purposely didn't faint just to make me look bad.
Julie was rough on me at the end too. I figured first in, first out but apparently after the service when Christine and Paul get introduced as Mr. and Mrs. they walk down the aisle first and then everyone else gets to go. She almost gave me whiplash! I felt like saying "I'm not Wikipedia. I don't know everything like you do Julie." Well I would have felt like saying it if I had thought of it.
The photographer had no sense of humor either for chrissakes, what is Photoshop for if you can't take out a few bunny ears? He wouldn't let me sip from my flask at the park and refused to take shots of me on my own. When I finally meet someone and we decide to get married after living together for a decent amount of time to make sure we are compatible, John Jacobson and The Focus on You will not be taking our picture. Since I will probably be very famous by then, he will be very, very sorry he treated me so poorly.
The dinner was OK I guess, I wasn't very hungry, I ordered the fish but wanted the chicken so it really didn't appeal to me and the speeches were looooong and all they talked about was Christine and Paul. You had the choice to eat, drink or pass out with boredom. Since my hair had been done I chose column B and I think that's where things started to unravel.
Some random memories:
I remember cutting in on the bride's first dance.
I remember falling on the dance floor whilst doing the "Dougie" by myself and Julie's brother Ian dragging me off.
I remember crying in the bathroom but I don't remember why.
I remember getting caught up in some curtains on the way back from the bathroom and Christine's brand new husband Paul helping me to the lounge.
Ack. I remember pouncing on him, pawing at his clothes and necking with him.
I remember, frozen forever, a snapshot of Christine's face when she came into the lounge.
And that's about it.
I'm going to move, far, far away.