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ARGHHHHH. Christine wants me to help with Julie's baby shower and I'm pissed. It's not just that I don't want to help but I really think that I should be the one in charge of it and I should have been the one who thought of it. She should be the one helping me! Once again Christine has appointed herself boss of everything under the sun.
She asked me to think of themes. (Themes? It's a baby shower, wouldn't the theme be baby? ) And I told her I'd think about it when I had time but that I was pretty busy.
I've known Julie way longer than she's known Christine—in fact they only know each other because of me! Julie and I were friends in high school and I met Christine when we were servers at Mr. BlueJeans. Julie would stop by to pick me up after work and sometimes Christine would join us and before you know it they were having a "what's the matter with Jenna" conversation and voila they're besties.
Not fair, not fair at all.
I've gained 17 pounds!
Oh Gooooooodd. Why didn't I notice? Sure, my clothes are a little tight but 17 pounds? I should have exploded out of them! Why is everything going wrong for me?
I don't know how this happened. OK, I don't eat a balanced diet but it's also not like I'm someone who'd pull up a chair to an all-you-can-buffet.
This is terrible. I'm going on a diet and I'm going to start to work-out first thing tomorrow. I've got to lose this weight especially now that Julie's shower is looming. After I finish my Chinese Food I'm going to lay out a sensible eating plan.
Mint Chocolate Chip Frappuccinos are 720 calories. SEVEN HUNDRED AND TWENTY CALORIES. I have been averaging two a day. I have been drinking the equivalent of three Big Macs a day. OMG! I should sue the coffee shop but I'm way too fat to think.
I wished I hadn't asked the barista. Now what's going to get me through the day—green tea?
This is terrible. And on top of it I wanted to work out first thing this morning before work but I slept in.
I guess another day won't hurt and since I haven't actually started my diet yet a Mint Chocolate Chip Frappuccino is most certainly not going to harm me in any way.
Like her ideas are all brilliant? She was the one who wanted themes! Personally I'd love to attend a Tequila Fiesta baby shower but Christine shot it down.
My head is still pounding-- four hours of baby shower talk! --thank God Christine had wine otherwise it would have been a complete waste of a night.
We worked on the guest list for ages (and BTW Julie has lousy taste in friends. She is still friends with people from high school that I wouldn't cross the street to pee on if they were on fire) and discussed the menu. Christine thought it would be fun to do kitschy food like devilled eggs and tuna in aspic (???) I thought it would be more fun to order a pizza. (Maybe not more fun but it would involve a lot less talk.)
Why on earth was Ashley Jenkins there anyway? She knows us from school but as far as I know, she and Julie aren't really close. She looks great (unfortunately) and she still has that stupid high-pitched voice and snarky personality. "OMG Jenna! I wouldn't have recognized you!"
What does that mean? Is she referring to my weight or to the highlights in my hair?
Paul, Christine's pervy husband was creeping around upstairs. I bumped into him on the landing and I swear he almost jumped over the banister.
Christine ruler of all things has decided the theme shall be "Baby Love"
I had an OK time.
I have found the absolute perfect diet program for me. I'm going to cut out all carbohydrates and I'm going to start doing yoga. I bought an instructional DVD that suits me to the ground. I've never had any success with aerobics tapes because there is too much moving and sweating going on, but yoga seems more my speed. Madonna does yoga and she's about a hundred. If she can look like that at her age, even after a couple of kids, not counting the adopted ones, then it will be a piece of cake for me.
I can't start today though because I still have a lot of carbs to finish off in my fridge. I'm not being undisciplined, I'm being frugal.
I just got a Facebook friend request from Wayne. Ugh. I have been ignoring his texts all week. If I'd really liked him I bet I wouldn't have heard a word.
I had a protein shake for breakfast and it tasted like cold creamed corn
I think I'm going to go on the soup diet, I've heard wonderful things about it and best of all it's easy and filling. You can lose up to 10 pounds in two weeks so that's exactly what I need.
I wonder if I ate twice the amount of soup I'd lose double the weight?
No, that's stupid.
Christine wants to know how to dye bread pink. I think she is taking this Baby Love theme way too far. Pink bread with tuna rolled over a dill pickle, blue bread spread with peanut butter rolled over a banana. YUCK. I told her all of them sound loathsome. She said that's the point; it's kitschy.
Christine is in charge of food and evidently making the world spin. I am in charge of beverages and entertainment. Ashley is in charge of invitations, decorations and wrecking my fun.
Oh, God I'm sick. I am so sick. I went to work, but my mother suggested I go home and that's really something.
I think I have the stomach flu or my appendix has blown up or something. Ohhhhhhhh.
Julie came over last night and I was still feeling a little woozy so she made me a cup of tea and reheated some soup.
The shower is supposed to be a surprise so I can't say anything which is hard because I keep screwing up. For instance, I was complaining about kitschy menus and she asked me what that had to do with Braxton Hicks. My mentioning Ashley Jenkins almost set alarms bells off too. This is so hard, I can't wait until it's over. Not only the baby shower but the baby. Julie is just not the same.
She talks to her stomach constantly—is that not bizarre? I'm sure if I started talking to my foot or my wrist they'd all have something to say about it.
Excerpt from Jayde An Extraordinary Woman in Ordinary Times
An Unathorized Autobiography By Jenna Thompson
"No, I will not." Jayde fixed the president with a sexy yet steely gaze. His eyes fluttered in panic.
"Please, we need you to go undercover and find out all of the secrets that the Russians* are keeping. We need someone of your…obvious charms." The president leered with one eye and winked with the other. Jayde slapped his face and strode purposefully to the door of the oval office.
"Sayonara" she said sexily as she closed the door.
As she strode purposefully down the halls of the White House to her car which was waiting downstairs where all the cars were, her telephone buzzed. It was a message from her old friend Irene.
"Jayde, Carrie Jenkville wants to know what shade of pink we should use on the invitations."
Jayde read the message shook her head wryly.
"Hey, sexy! Saving the world?" Agent Trent Mclintock was suddenly by her side.
"Sort of" Jayde said mysteriously and threw her phone in the wastebasket.
(Chinese? Iranians? Find enemies)