PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

Popular Columns:


Jennas Diary Week By Week

November 15th

Mr. Van Heusan told me I'd misfiled seven invoices and I burst into tears—how strange is that? Usually when he or my mother tells me I've made a mistake I yawn or pretend I can't hear them but today I cried. Weird.

November 16th

Oh My God. I don't know why I didn't piece this together.

Weight gain.

Nausea.

Mood swings. It all points to one thing.

I'm pregnant.

Oh my God. I'm trying desperately to remember when I had my last period but I can't. I can't even remember the last time I slept with anybody.

1:15 pm

Oh no.

Wayne. Halloween Pirate Wayne. Halloween Wishcraft Wayne. Halloween Deadbeat Wayne.

OMG.

If it had been a Thursday this wouldn't have happened.TV is too good on a Thursday and I wouldn't have gone to Christine's stupid party.

This is what happens to people in bad after school specials. I'm sure I took precautions but I can't remember because I've blocked the whole thing out.

Oh, my God.

November 16th

I hardly slept last night weighing the pros and cons.

On the one hand, having a baby would make me look more responsible and people would stop treating me like I'm a flake. I'd have something in common with Julie and people would probably buy a lot of presents for it.

On the other hand, I don't like kids.

There is also the problem with the father. Even if Wayne could hold down a job he is terminally stupid. I'd be one of those mothers who constantly had to rush to school to get their kid's head unstuck from a paint can.

But then again, when they aren't pooping, babies smell fairly nice. There are so many cute outfits now and I've heard that you actually grow to love them. (The kids, not the outfits. The outfits you love right away.)

We'd be able to go to the park together and I'd have company at night. I'd have someone who loves me unconditionally, someone to talk to, someone to share my wisdom with, someone to go to the movies with.

I wouldn't have to worry about the weight I've gained because people will start encouraging me to eat.

Wow, who knew this could be so complicated?

I have the worst gas in the history of the world.

November 17th

I went to Akron pharmacy for a home pregnancy kit. The labels were so confusing! Sticks with tips and urine wells and I don't know what else. A clerk asked if she could help me so I grabbed the nearest one and scooted to the front. I get there and who's at the counter? My mother's best friend big-mouth Rosemarie and her stupid big head. "How's the job situation?"

(She has been asking me that since I was 12. I hate her. I don't know why my mother is friends with her. I don't know why this woman exists outside of comic books.)

There is no way on earth I could let her see me with pregnancy test so I mumbled "S'okay, I guess" slipped the pregnancy test into a Snicker's bin and bought three packs of Trident gum.

November 18th

Julie dropped over last night to see how I was feeling. She's ready to drop her baby any day now and that's all she talks about.

After about 15 minutes of hearing about false labour and nothing about me, I couldn't help myself and blurted out that I was pregnant.

She was so happy! She squealed and hugged me and she talked about how our kids would be able to play together, how we could trade baby clothes and share tips. We got on the phone and told Christine who squealed and we laughed and cried and laughed some more.

Julie and I had a great time talking about our children's future. It's going to be a riot. We thought up baby names and she gave me the name of her doctor. We'll be able to share info on sitters and schools. We can take turns babysitting. I can't wait!

I am so excited about this. I am going to be a great mom. This is great!

 November 19th

I can't believe that Christine still expects me to help in my condition! I thought this was like a get out of jail-free card, but no. I'm still expected to provide the drinks and entertainment.

However this could work for me. If I set the bar high for Julie's shower then they are bound to want to top it with my baby-shower, especially since I'm going to be a single mom.

Ew. Just got a pang. It's either the baby or the reminder that I have to call Wayne. This is going to be awkward because I blocked him on Facebook and on my phone. And what if he wants us to get together? After all, one of his main goals was to have a trophy-wife.

Ugh. I can't see me finishing a box of popcorn with him let alone raising a kid. I suspect he's going to be deadbeat dad though so I better let him in on this from the start just to bolster my court case.

Why does this have to be so hard? I bet Eve didn't have to worry about Adam this way.

************************************************************************************

Excerpt from Jayde An Extraordinary Woman in Ordinary Times

An Unathorized Autobiography By Jenna Thompson

Jayde studied herself in the mirror. Even she had to admit she was stunningly beautiful. The tiny bump was barely visible even though she was 8 months along. 

She knew that Special Agent Trent MacGee was the father but he didn't. She packed her suitcase and dashed off a brief note. She placed the note in an envelope licked them closed with luscious sensuous lips and placed them on the bed.

She strode purposefully to the door, sighed to herself and spoke in a sexy purr "Sorry Special Agent. I'm going on this mission alone."

 *****Continued next week Last week