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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Goddess Horoscopes

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Well, ladies, we made it through another year.  It doesn't take an astrologer to predict that this year will be better than last.  Just the fact that SOMEthing will go right this year should bring you great comfort.  And something will go right this year, starting this very month: not only will you sign up for 6 training sessions at the gym - you will actually show up.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20 Now that the holidays are past, Juno can settle back into the peace and quiet of her own home: without visitors, and without visiting.  Back to ordering in Chinese, back to leaving piles of mail on the dining room table, and back to Season 1 of "Girls".  Who needs friends and family when you have HBO?

MORE

By Deb Victoroff

Dance Your Way Into His Heart!

We can already guess what some of you are thinking: "But, I can't dance a step!" "I've always had two left feet!"

Well, think again! We've teamed up with one of the best choreographers in the business. Yes, Paula

Abdul's talented second cousin once removed, Ms. Denise, has worked up three fabulous interpretive dance routines that even the least rhythmic among us can master in only a few practice sessions. We guarantee that your mate will thrill to your elegant stylings. He'll wonder why he hasn't begged you to dance for him sooner! Allow us to introduce Ms. Denise!

Ladies, hello!! Let's get right to work, shall we?

You'll need to invest in the dancer's basics listed here, but rest assured that your investment will return BIG dividends in your man's admiring gazes and, YES, ardor!

By Kate Heidel

Valentine Day Survival Tips for Singles

Valentine's Day caught you unattached again? Concerned about repeating last year's little incident involving a half-naked strip tease in front of your ex's building? (or so the police report claims.) Don't despair.These simple tips are guaranteed to get you through this Hallmark holiday with your head held high!

1. DO call in sick. Avoid the sight of every other female in the office (including your gay assistant) receiving one colorful bouquet of roses after another. Instead, stay home and using an old credit card receipt, track down your ex's current delivery and, posing as his secretary, cancel or change it to a lovely garden mum. If the florist gives you a hard time, tell him you've just been informed that the intended suffers a severe allergic reaction to roses resulting in paralysis and sometimes death.

2. DO NOT order take out -- unless you're willing to suffer the pity of even the pimple-faced pizza delivery boy.

MORE

By Julie Hansen

Valentine Verses to Avoid

If you're thinking of penning your own verse to the one you love this Valentine's Day, here are some suggestions of sentiments to avoid.

From Guys to Gals:

"I love your hair,
I love your eyes,
I love you right down to
Your stretch-marked thighs."

"I think of you in the quiet moments,
between endless committee meetings
and lunch with clients.

I think of you on the long commute home
to a quiet apartment.
And I'm glad you're gone."

MORE

By Elizabeth Hanes

Stalking Mr. Right

Everyone wants love; that's no secret. The problem, of course, is finding the right person to share your home and your secret Richard Simmons obsession. Sometimes, though, in the supreme injustice that is life, you DO find Mr. Right -- but he tells you he's married, gay, infected with a pesky VD, or not interested. Take heart - this does not mean that forging a meaningful emotional connection is impossible.Consider stalking him!

By stalking Mr. Right, you can keep him in your sights at all times, getting to know every intimate detail of his life - which is almost as good as being an intimate detail yourself. If you dedicate yourself to being his personal stalker, you'll have something to do on those lonely winter nights - stare wistfully through his window and name your six unborn children!

But be careful - there are certain points about the fine art of stalking to consider. You want to make sure the stalk is executed effectively, but you don't want to join the Kathy Bates ankle-smashing school of stalking. To keep things in perspective, here's handy list of "Dos and Don'ts" for beginners.

MORE

By Amy Krug

 

 

 

Technology Explained, Finally!

By Libby Zimmerman

The powers that be here at HWHQ decided that it was time for me to get a handle on

computer

technology. (Personally I think they broke my dictaphone but I can't prove anything.) Fortunately, I have my nephew Sidney living in my guest house and Sidney is a computer genius (as well as very handsome and single!) He taught me everything I need to know and more than I want to. This has been the most boring month of my life and I have done it all for a paycheck and for you my dear sweet readers so please, enjoy your enlightenment!

THE HAPPY WOMAN MAGAZINE GUIDE TO COMPUTERS:

 

BLOGS

Blogs are places where people who have many opinions store their excess ones.  They are usually long and tedious. The blogs, I mean. The writers are usually squat and tedious.  They are geared mostly toward people who find daylight irritating and for whom bathing is optional.  "Bloggers" look exactly like they sound.

MORE

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

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Age Defying Secrets of the Stars!

Jennifer Aniston ensures she only breathes the purest air by not allowing anyone in the room to exhale in her presence.  She also has servants perform stressful tasks for her, such as changing channels with the TV remote and picking up things that have dropped to the floor.

Kate Winslet keeps her porcelain complexion by re-creating her harrowing scene from Titanic.  “I jump into a frigid ocean and cling to an old door for a few hours.”  The coldness of the water really whitens my skin, and all the adrenalin from getting rescued from near death brings a rosy glow to my cheeks.”

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By Amani Redd

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Relationship Advice From Romance Novels

When was the last time you rode off into the sunset on horseback with a viscount? Why, it’s

inlove

very possible you finished a novel just last night that ended that way! And speaking of things that happened last night, how often do you read about a heroine sitting at home and eating an entire box of ice cream sandwiches?

 

Unless you happen to have an advance copy of Velvet McCallister’s 2013 novel, A Glutton of Love the answer is never. Instead, women such as Wyndibeth Williamstead and Felicity Rowan spend their dusky evenings in the arms of pirates and robber barons.

So what makes these women different from yourself? They’re the saucy leading ladies of harlequin romance novels! “Romance heroines live by a set of very strict rules that allows them to find and maintain meaningful relationships,” explains Victoria Infitalis, who received an associate’s degree in Romance Literature from NYU Abu Dhabi. Infitalis knows what she’s talking about – in the past five years alone, she’s been married to a reclusive author, a Chilean salsa instructor, and an Arab sheikh. She gave us four of the behaviors of successful romantic heroines, outlined below so that you, too, can have a romance of the ages!

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By Grace Connor

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Real Housewives of New Jersey Daycare Center

real housewives of new jersey

Set in the gaudiest house that an overdue mortgage can buy, the RHONJ Daycare Center is open for business!  Not only do we boast a ratio of ten cameramen for every child, but we also center our curriculum around true RHONJ-born values.  Here is our daily schedule for the coming year.

7:00 – 8:00: Sing-along hour with Melissa!  Learn how to use auto-tune and lip-sync with your own bevy of hired back-up dancers.  Advanced students will learn how to find a husband who will build you a studio, buy you an independent record label, and purchase your crappy songs countless times on iTunes!

MORE

By Melissa Larson

 

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How to Make a Potato Animal Barnyard!

 

barnyard



Items needed:

1.  A small cardboard box, with flaps.
2.  An assortment of potatoes of all sizes, washed and dried, including a couple of small, round russet potatoes, if you have them.

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By Kathy Minicozzi

 

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Wardrobe Essentials!

 

Finally, the answer to all of life's problems—the top ten essential items for every

heelsmall

woman's wardrobe. These functional and versatile choices guarantee you'll look perfect at every event, from court appearances to tractor pulls. Gazing inside your closet fosters warm feelings and eliminates the need for anti-depressants or medications of any kind. This apparel will also make you enchanting to the opposite sex (or the same sex, if that's your preference).

 

MORE

 

By Kathy Ewing

 

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LAST ISSUE

 

Back to School Advice from YOU!


We asked you, our lovely and talented thin readers to share your best tips for coping with this very emotional time for mothers and their children.  As usual, you did not disappoint!  Here are a few of the tips we received. They are not necessarily the best tips, we are far too busy to read every piece of nonsense that crosses our desks, but they were our first!

Jacqueline Thompson

Madeline and Blakely’s Mom

I am still trying to cope with my babies being in school all day. The house is so quiet and I miss them so much!!!! I miss our games and our songs, I miss our crafts and our adventures! I miss our naps and our snacks, I miss their little warm snuggly cuddle bunny hugs, I miss their sticky kisses--- I miss everything about them and I am so jealous that the school gets to spend all this time quality time with them!

I know that school is important for their education, obviously, but also their socialization so I pull up my big girl panties and suck it up.

I also take a little nip now and then just to take the edge off.

MORE ..           

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

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5 Foods to Make You Look Ridiculously Younger

  Nutrition expert and celebrity trainer, Jill Atagirl, tells her octogenarian clients, “Age is not a number but a word and like all words can be changed to suit the occasion.”  One particular octogenarian client thought for a moment, a fleeting moment due to Alzheimer’s disease, and said, “Jill, you’re full of…” but then was distracted before finishing her thought.  Of course, we at Happy Women magazine absolutely agree with Ms. Atagirl.  In the great tradition of Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton, nothing helps our understanding of reality more than redefining the meaning of words.  But of course, Ms. Atagirl’s wisdom exceeds definitions; she has truly revolutionized our understanding of the power of food to make us younger, healthier, and fitter.  Looks, after all, do matter and better looks matter more.  So, let’s skip the introduction and get right to the 5 Foods that will make you look ridiculously younger according to Ms. Atagirl, celebrity trainer to the stars, because if it is good for celebrities, it is certainly good for ordinary folk like our dear readers (and not Dear Readers like that recently deceased Dear Leader of that oppressive country…just dear as in there is no need to bite the hand that feeds you…so keep buying the magazine, dear readers).

MORE ..           

By Elizabeth Napp

 

Not a Celebrity...Yet?

Here’s how to make the world think that you are an A-list star, even if you have no perceptible talents, ambition, or work ethic.  Just follow these simple rules, and in no time at all, Kim Kardashian will be begging to be your BFF.

1.Put yourself into extreme debt so that people will think you’re rich.  People won’t notice that you live in a dilapidated apartment if you just park a Mercedes in front of it.  Nobody needs to know that your Chanel bag really belongs to Visa.

2.Update your Twitter every two minutes.  You just watched a car insurance commercial on television, and the world needs to know.

3. Glue-gun your iPhone to your hand and look at it every two seconds, especially when socializing.  Your agent might be trying to call you regarding an important audition, after all.  (Yes, pretend you have an agent.)

MORE ..         

By Melissa Larson

 

Last Issue

Portrait of Courage- The Anita Selznick Story

A Lifeline Movie of the Week--a moving story of a woman's triumph over tragedy and the friendship that guided her. What the critics have said:

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Summer Bride Dish With Mags and Dags

DEAR DAGS/DAGS: I have been planning my wedding since the day I met Michael. At first, he seemed like the perfect man: a gourmet chef who is my soul mate. Recently, I was alerted to the fact that he has a secret family, complete with a wife and twin daughters. I confronted Michael and he assured me that although this family technically exists, it is no threat to us, as they were never legally married. What should I do? Our wedding is in two weeks! If I tell my family they will be devastated. I don’t want to ruin my life. Please, let me know if my chef has ruined the marital entrée! Is this still a recipe for happily ever after?

Bonnie Brokenhearted

MORE ..           

By Christina Delia

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Pair Your Next Marital Spat With the Perfect Wine

Alcohol is not just for drunken brawls any more. Couples from all walks of life are finding that choosing the right bottle of wine to accompany an argument can raise the level of conflict, help them convey a message and make them feel classy.

"It takes an ugly situation and makes it , like, French," said Nikki Turbot, wife and sales consultant. She recently downed a bottle of Zinfandel with her husband while they argued about whose turn it was to stock the refrigerator in the garage with beer.

"The words 'wine pairing' are like magic," her husband Kevin added. "You say it in front of the neighbors, and they won't even call the cops."

The decision to drink a Zinfandel was Nikki's.

MORE

By Julie Ward

SUMMER 2012

 

You're Already Organized!

You stand by the cupboard, spinning that lazy Susan, in search of the juicer. You root through that modular drawer organizer, trying to find the lemon zester. You once again poe through that mesh file cabinet, searching out the family's passports. Clutter fills the wall rack system components, natural cotton garment bags, and color-coded handled bins.

You may be overlooking an under-utilized, eminently practical, always accessible storage space in your home. What you must do is re-order your thinking and begin to regard places in your home as storage areas which you heretofore may not have conceived of as storage areas.

By Kathy Ewing

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Summer Goddess Horoscopes

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

Summer is nigh and with it comes the sunshine and good weather that fills you with panic and anxiety at the prospect of 1) buying a new bathing suit or, 2) putting on the one you already have. This you will sidestep by simply not wearing a bathing suit all summer. Brilliant! Why didn’t you ever think of this before? Buy a set of sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond; wear the fitted sheet on the bottom and drape the flat sheet over your shoulders. Fashion the pillowcases into a turban, and Voila! You look like a hammock, which is not a bad look for the beach

MORE..

By Debra Victoroff

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Extreme Attachment Parenting

In response to the uproar caused by the Time magazine cover of a woman

breastfeeding a 6 year old, HW, in our quest to remain at the blunt edge, decided to gather a roundtable of parents who adhere to the Attachment Parenting method.

Parenting books abound but experts agree parenting techniques can be honed down to just two throughout the ages. Authoritarian and Indulgent. Attachment parenting belongs to the latter category. MORE

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

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Summer Bride Dish With Mags and Dags

DEAR DAGS/DAGS: I have been planning my wedding since the day I met Michael. At first, he seemed like the perfect man: a gourmet chef who is my soul mate. Recently, I was alerted to the fact that he has a secret family, complete with a wife and twin daughters. I confronted Michael and he assured me that although this family technically exists, it is no threat to us, as they were never legally married. What should I do? Our wedding is in two weeks! If I tell my family they will be devastated. I don’t want to ruin my life. Please, let me know if my chef has ruined the marital entrée! Is this still a recipe for happily ever after?

Bonnie Brokenhearted

MORE ..           

By Christina Delia

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Pair Your Next Marital Spat With the Perfect Wine

Alcohol is not just for drunken brawls any more. Couples from all walks of life are finding that choosing the right bottle of wine to accompany an argument can raise the level of conflict, help them convey a message and make them feel classy.

"It takes an ugly situation and makes it , like, French," said Nikki Turbot, wife and sales consultant. She recently downed a bottle of Zinfandel with her husband while they argued about whose turn it was to stock the refrigerator in the garage with beer.

"The words 'wine pairing' are like magic," her husband Kevin added. "You say it in front of the neighbors, and they won't even call the cops."

The decision to drink a Zinfandel was Nikki's.

MORE

By Julie Ward

 

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MAY ISSUE:

Travel Tips from Author Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

We were thrilled to have New York Times best-selling author Nicole “Snooki”

Polizzi here as she takes up very little space. This busy scribe is the author of “Shore Thing”, “Confessions of a Guidette” and “Gorilla Beach” and she stopped into HWHQ for a decaf iced latte, four crullers, a juicebox and half a Quiznos sub. She was happy to share her fave travel tips with you, our very fortunate and dear readers!

MORE...

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How to Build Your Own Aircraft!

Are you spending too much time playing carpool mom, hauling your ingrate kids and all their bratty friends around town in a cramped 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan while rich Mrs. Ubenbooben earns accolades from your children when it’s her turn to drive because she chauffeurs them in style in her Land Rover, complete with reclining rear seats and two DVD players? With this weekend project, you can assuage your mom-guilt and show that Mrs. Ubenbooben  a thing or two about carpooling in style even if you can’t afford a maid like she can, or even liposuction.

What you’ll need:

MORE

 By Savannah Lawless


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Seven Ways to Shake Up Your Workouts

If you’re like many women, then you are probably pretty good about hitting the gym

on a regular basis.  You do your cardio, you lift your weights, you do those modified leg lifts that make you look like a dog whizzing on a fire hydrant.  And yet, you aren’t seeing much of a change in your body, even though you swear you’ve been laying off the Doritos and the beer pong.  In all likelihood, you are in an exercise rut.  Studies have shown that in order to get the most bang for your buck at the gym, you need to change up your workout every couple of weeks.  Here are some suggestions:

MORE

 

By Melissa Larson

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Are Relationship Quizzes Ruining Your Relationships?

If you and your man have taken dozens of relationship quizzes in a desperate quest to find out what’s missing from your life together, you need to take this quiz!

According to a recent study by the Institute of Recent Studies, 96 percent of women in heterosexual relationships have a boyfriend, lover or husband (or all three) who hates taking quizzes—and their relationships may be in danger. Are you one of them? Find out now!

Make yourself a nice cup of antioxidant acai chai green tea with hibiscus and answer the questions below. No cheating! 

MORE

By Jeanne Bellezzo
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Other HW Quizzes

 

Other HW Quizzes

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Hottest Sex Trends for 2012

What's the best way to keep your man from straying? Aside from dieting down to a size -0, getting DD breast implants, having your lips injected with collagen for that bee-stung look, eliminating cellulite with liposuction, and getting hair and eyelash extensions, the next best way to make sure your man stays faithful is by keeping on top of the hottest sex trends! As usual, we've done all the work for you by engaging in exhaustive field research to bring you the sex tips and ploys that will keep your man happy. Here's what's in and what's out for 2012.

OUT: S&M

Bondage and discipline is so 2011! Throw away your corset and vinyl thigh boots, get a refund on your dungeon membership, and quit wearing that outdated whip necklace! But don't throw the baby out with the bath water; you can still use your hairbrush for actual grooming purposes.

IN: The Missionary Position

MORE

 By Savannah Lawless

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Bride Dish With Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My wedding day will be here in exactly two months and five days. That’s right, I’m counting it down. This is MY DAY, and so far, things are falling into perfect place. The only issue is Sheila.

Sheila is my father’s girlfriend, except her figure isn’t exactly girlish and her demeanor isn’t what you would call friendly. To say that I hate Sheila is an understatement. This is the vile creature that broke up my parents’ marriage.

So since my fiancé and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, would it be socially appropriate to just send an invite to my father, minus You-Know-Who? I don’t want to hurt my Dad, but it is MY DAY, after all!

She-Devil Sheila Can Go to Hell

 ...MORE               

By Christina Delia

March Goddess Horoscopes

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

This month a simple excursion to do laundry turns into a battle for survival as Athena uses a full cup of High Efficiency detergent in the Laundromat's washing machine instead of the recommended 1/8th cup.  Athena watches with horror as the machine window becomes white with suds and the washer shudders wildly.  Eventually, it comes unbolted from the floor and tips over, ripping out the hoses and exposing the plumbing.  On the positive side, Athena's roommates take her off laundry detail.

more

By Debra Victoroff

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LAST ISSUE

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Marriage Advice

Dear Kim: I am a newlywed and my wife Lucy has expressed an interest in a show business career. What is the best way for her to go about it? I Love Lucy

Dear Person: I suggest she make a sex tape with a rapper and then have her mother leak it to the media. I think a career is great idea as I could never have stayed with my husband Kris as long as I did without it.

 ...MORE              

  By Kim Kardashian

Pageant Special

Glitz Pageant How-To Guide

So, you’ve decided to enter into the glamorous world of glitz pageants! Congratulations, but fair warning: these pageants are not for the faint of heart!  Glitz

pageants are, according to Pageant Director DeeDee Menuiere “The most classiest of all the pageants. We rely mostly on facial beauty so if your child aint pretty she don’t stand a chance.” Menuiere also warns that glitz pageants are very expensive. Your  child will need a pageant dress,  professional pageant photos,  a hair and makeup artist, tanning artist and  nail artist. As well there are the pageant entry fees, and if you need to travel ,your hotel and transportation.

“Pageants for sure, aint for poor people.”  Menuiere said daintily sipping a Diet Coke. “Or fatties.”

MORE

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

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Letter from a Pageant Princess

Dear Editor:

"Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful". If I didn’t find tattoos low class and possibly disqualifying that is what I would have tattooed on my back.

I did my first pageant when I was 2 months old. (Actually it was the first pageant that I didn't win Supreme. Do I blame my mother?  No, not really. Could she have dressed me better? Could she have jiggled me more? Could she have swooped me in front of the judges more? Yes, yes and yes. However, this failure and my constant reminding her of this failure set me on a life course of success at any cost.)

MORE

By Mary Beth Houkstra as told to Sharon Grehan-Howes

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Parents in Tiaras

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the Discovery Channel is scheduled to add a rebuttal to TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras in their fall line-up.  In this documentary investigation, recruited pageant mothers and some fathers have agreed to become the contestants in an attempt to examine their reactions when placed in this role reversal.

This "Freaky Friday" twist will dress these parents up in all the glitter of "Wow Wear" and hair sprayed big hair not to mention the smile perfection created with the application of their own customized "flippers".

MORE

By Diana Aviles Shields

 

 

Week Twelve --Jenna's Diary

 

Tuesday

Simon is a clown.

Oh, God.He's not a birthday-party -balloon -sculptor clown, which is good,  I guess, I don't know.  He is a bouffon clown which is some sort of European thingy and it is supposed to be terrific.

His clown character "Kristoff" had a hunchback and a limp and the story was about…something. It involved a tarp and a lot of frightened looks and squeaks. The audience loved it so I did too.

MORE

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

Bride Dish With Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I consider myself to be a virtuous and respectable young woman. Recently, I was asked to be a member of the wedding party, ultimately partaking in bridal activities. Although I was quick to refuse the sex-crazed siren song of the bachelorette party, I thought it appropriate to attend the wedding shower.

Now I was not personally acquainted with this particular bride prior to her bridal shower. She is the intended wife of my cousin Douglas (Please let’s not get started on Douglas! Although he is a sweet boy, Douglas is a bit on the dumb side. He tends to gravitate toward the side of evil, as opposed to my side, the good side.)

Imagine my shock when I walked into that h-e-double la-la hole where the aforementioned sin shower was taking place, only to witness a PREGNANT BRIDE! ...

 ...MORE               

By Christina Delia

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January/February Goddess Horoscopes

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

You have every intention of following a program of exercise and eating right this year.  This year is nothing like last year when you also had every intention of exercising and eating right, because this year you’re serious and last year you were just kidding.  In fact the last 20 years of your life, you were just kidding.  But really, seriously, this year, you are going to change things.  The stars above are all looking at each other and nodding.

more

By Debra Victoroff

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Week Twelve --Jenna's Diary

 

Tuesday

Simon is a clown.

Oh, God.

He's not a birthday-party -balloon -sculptor clown, which is good,  I guess, I don't know.  He is a bouffon clown which is some sort of European thingy and it is supposed to be terrific.

His clown character "Kristoff" had a hunchback and a limp and the story was about…something. It involved a tarp and a lot of frightened looks and squeaks. The audience loved it so I did too.

The Elm St. Factory Theatre is more Factory than theatre. There were about 40 folding chairs and the stage was marked off with masking tape.

I had no idea of what to wear so I wore my LBD. Whoever said you could wear a little black dress to anything is an idiot. You can't wear it to a clown show. If you do, you look like Jacqueline Kennedy sitting with a bunch of goat herders. MORE

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

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Juice Bags: Why recycle them when they can be worn?

Juice bags are handy pouches that hold flavored beverages such as lemonade, fruit punch and apple juice. Some brands of juice bags are recyclable, with manufacturers offering a small cash reward to participating schools who turn in used juice bags.

While that is a noble project, why not put juice bags to use in a way that will keep them in service forever?

MORE

By Karen Nehima

January 2011

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Bride Dish With Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I consider myself to be a virtuous and respectable young woman. Recently, I was asked to be a member of the wedding party, ultimately partaking in bridal activities. Although I was quick to refuse the sex-crazed siren song of the bachelorette party, I thought it appropriate to attend the wedding shower.

Now I was not personally acquainted with this particular bride prior to her bridal shower. She is the intended wife of my cousin Douglas (Please let’s not get started on Douglas! Although he is a sweet boy, Douglas is a bit on the dumb side. He tends to gravitate toward the side of evil, as opposed to my side, the good side.)

 ...MORE               

By Christina Delia

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How-to Secrets of a Real Couponer

Hi, my name is Suzy Q, the creator of the original money-saving blog created in 1985.  I have been couponing for the past 35 years and I have saved a grand total of $1.2 million dollars.  I am about to divulge some of the best-kept secrets of the couponing world.  Now—with this classified information—you too can join the elite 26.4% of shoppers who save 72.8% on their groceries every year. 

The very first, most important thing that you must understand, that you must cherish, that you must fully respect, is the triumphant treasure of a coupon.  In this world of survival of the fittest—trust me—coupons should be your life.  The Golden Rule of couponing is: “Treat all coupons like bricks of gold.” MORE

By Suzy Q as told to Aubrie Olsen

 

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The Diary of Mrs. Claus

December 3

I found a diet in Good Housekeeping "Slim Down for the Season" and so far so good. I've lost two pounds this week!

For dinner tonight I prepared a chef salad with a vinegar and lemon dressing. Nick finished it without a word of complaint and I was delighted but I should have known better.

In the middle of the night I heard stirring and there he was sitting in the dark, stuffing himself. Honestly! The man has no self-control. He polished off a can of cocktail sausages and half a jar of olives. I was so angry.

I am very concerned about him. He's very flushed and short of breath. I took out his suit and it looks like I'm going to have to let it out at least three inches!

He says it's muscle, which is fine if he plans to lift the presents with his stomach. MORE

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

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NEW-- Week Eleven --Jenna's Diary

(A new Jenna's Diary will be up on soon. Sorry for the delay, she seems to have hidden it in a different place.)

Friday

Julie had her baby last night. I’m totally pissed that she didn’t call me the minute she arrived at the hospital. We were supposed to go through this together! Instead, her husband Tim, her mother, her father and his mother were all there. Why she chose to give birth with a lot of strangers around rather than her best friend is beyond me but I’m not going to let it bother me.

2:00 p.m.

I phoned Christine and she’s mad too. Seriously, I don’t even remember seeing those people at her shower!

2:07 p.m.

OK they weren’t at the shower because I forgot to invite them but still. MORE

 

How to Snap Your Fingers

Whether you need to get the cat's attention or wish to express your approval after listening to a beat poetry session, being able to snap your fingers is a handy skill to have. Beginners will find the following pointers helpful for mastering this useful task. ...more

By Karen Nehama

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How Not to Get Over Your Ex

Breaking up is hard to do, though arguably, the hardest is the aftermath of the situation. Avoiding each other when you inevitably run into him at the grocery store,

or wondering if that necklace he gave you for Christmas, four years ago, is still yours. If he wants it back, do you have to give it to him? Worst of all, the unhappy retrieval of all the things you left at his place, including that box of tampons. Does the humiliation stop? When you finally have the basics figured out, the most difficult part of the break up rears its head and you are left with the question, how do I get over my ex? There are definitely a lot of excellent theories, though perhaps it might be easier to solve this question by answering its complement. How can you avoid getting over your ex? MORE

 

By Jennifer ten Haaf

 

Jenna's Diary Updated every Friday

The Rule of Being Cool: A Newly Cool Guy's Perspective


Dear Editor:
I'm quite delighted to be able to pen this article. Some time ago, you see, I was sight-seeing from my squalid home-box (the rats have chewed delightfully perfect-sized eye-holes). After resting from my usual 10 o'clock jaunt, I looked around and saw a fashionable teenager and her group of similarly-aged friends walking from the mall parking lot to their car. The obvious leader of the group was chatting incessantly to her cohort, and she pulled out a pair of what looked like expensive blue jeans from the hip store Hollisthim. MORE

By Kiera Durfee

 

 

FREE Fill-in-the-Blanks Iron-Clad Prenuptial Agreement

Exclusively for HW readers, we offer this boilerplate prenuptial agreement to protect your assets (and get all of his) for prospective brides from all walks of life. Simply print this out, fill in the blanks, sign it, and stash it someplace safe where he can't get his hands on it but you can easily find it when he reaches his financial peak.

 By Elizabeth Hanes

 

Bride Dish With Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am not your usual bride-to-be, in that I have been happily married for two months now. I’m not writing in to complain about my hubby, or my floral arrangements, or even my mother-in-law (Hello, Daphne, if you’re reading this! I mean, Mom!)

Mags and Dags, this is regarding the present. More specifically, this involves a wedding gift. However, since I am writing to you right now, I suppose the present could refer to present day, as well. They say there’s no time like it! Okay, I’ll make my point: My friend Madelyn did not give us a wedding gift. Can you believe it? I went to her wedding! Oh yes, I did! I spent oodles on her china pattern! On Limoges! And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, but Limoges are not cheap...more

By Christina Delia

 

How to Write a Best-Selling Quadrilogy about Humans

Count Vladimir Ronald Dracula: AUTHOR’S COPY!

Speech for VAMP (Vampire Authors Masquerading as People) Convention

 

Hey, everyone! Wow, look at this turnout! I had no idea there would be this many aspiring VAMPs around. So, I’m loving this town Spoons! It reminds me of a town I know called… knives! (Insert big guffaw here.) Sure smells good out there—what is that? It kind of smells like… a redhead! (Make sure you do a BIG vampire car-salesman laugh: Muah ha ha ha!)... more

LAST ISSUE

An American Girl's Guide to Being Kate Middleton

At last! Katherine Middleton of Somethingshire and Prince William of Hogwarts have tied the royal knot. In the more than 7 years of their courtship, (minus the brief “break” the two took when she had a brief and disastrous dalliance with Joey ) the charming Kate has certainly been put through her paces. The English customs of aristocracy can be confusing, perplexing, and downright silly when left in the right hands, let alone when passed into the wrong ones (the wrong hands being the left ones). How soon we forget that terrible day in 1803 when the Duchess of Tiddlywink nearly instigated a war with Prussia when she inadvertently spread jam on the east side of her scone (everyone knows you lick jam right out of the jar!) Kate, however, has passed through the field of aristocratic etiquette land mines as dainty and lithe as those silly little hats she wears coveted by drag queens everywhere.

 

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Sheila Moeschen

HW CLASSICS

Role-Play Your Way To A Triple-X Sex Life!

Here's a question for you love-starved ladies: what's the sexiest part of your body? The answer is your brain! I should say at this stage that most men disagree, citing breasts, legs, lips, buttocks, the waist, back, arms, eyes, (and in most cases the spleen, kidneys and liver) as sexier than their girlfriend's imaginative intelligence. But perhaps you don't have those body parts. Or access to lingerie. Or the ability to whistle and hold up a piece of raw meat. In which case, read on as we provide step-by-step instructions on how to create a host of sexy alter-egos that will leave your man breathless in the bedroom. (In some cases, breathlessness can be a sign of chronic cardiovascular dysfunction. It is worthwhile checking that a racing pulse and shortness of breath are a result of passion, not impending cardiac arrest.)

By Emma Rowley

The Classy Girl’s Guide to Unemployment

Thanks to the constant threat of layoffs, an unshakeable sense of impending doom pervades today’s job climate. Instead of obsessing over the indignities and

humiliations sure to befall you during this time of job insecurity, take control and give your downsizing a dose of style and class by following these tips from The Classy Girl’s Guide to Unemployment.

The Corporate Break-Up; or Killing Me Softly with This Job

When the “talk” between you, your supervisor, and the grandmotherly HR rep occurs it is critical to remain poised and dignified at all times. When your boss tosses around every euphemism invented for the dreaded phrase “you’re fired,” resist the urge to sigh loudly, roll your eyes, or smash him over the head with his marble and gold-plated desktop 2003 Outstanding Leadership Award.  Above all, do not cry...

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Sheila Moeschen

 

Premenstrual Decorating With Dust Bunnies!

In synergy with our Premenstrual Philosophy of Dusting -- "Why Bother?" -- we've developed a delightful array of premenstrual decorating ideas for Easter, whose main

feature is the prodigious dust bunny. Yes, if you've followed our no-dust policy for as little as two months in only one uncarpeted room, you'll find all the little puffs you need to create a premenstrual panoply of adorable Easter decorations. Here comes the Easter Dust Bunny, and his friends, too!

General Preparation

Sweep all the dust-bunny material you have accumulated from diligent lack of housekeeping into an old pillowcase. Tape the pillowcase shut and gently roll it over a carpet or rug until it has formed into the shape of a big ball. You now have the natural equivalent of polyfill, from which you can pull dust-bunny material according to your size needs. Talk about convenience, and it doesn't cost a penny!

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Kate Heidel

MORE ARTICLES...

 

APRIL/MAY 2011

April/May Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Spring – is it here or not? Please discuss. Athena cannot figure out what to wear because even as she looks out her window in the morning and sees sunny skies and hears cheeping birds, by the time she gets downstairs and walks out the door, it is sleeting and people are fighting with inside-out umbrellas. Spring means sprouting daffodils and buds on trees but for Athena who is always cold it also means wearing her cute sleeveless blouse under a wool turtleneck.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) This month Juno is faced with the reality of her maturing daughter, who needs a training bra. This strikes Juno as a bizarre term for a device made to support inanimate objects that can’t learn – otherwise Juno herself would be wearing one trying to teach her breasts to be sexy or at least symmetrical. But they are real slackers, those two, and never listened, even when Juno was dating Jenny’s brother Billy Mulligan and could have used the help. So even as she gets her daughter fitted, she warns her not to have high hopes for the “training” part of this object of attire, and to simply hope her bosoms have high IQs.

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Debra Victoroff

April/May Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

`DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My fiancé Brent is desperate for us to save money. He wants us to be able to afford a down payment for a house, but I think the wedding is much more important. It’s like the party of your life! I try to explain this to him, but he’s a penny pincher like no other. Brent wants me to use silk flower arrangements instead of real ones! How could he not love real ones? I love real ones!

Denise Wants to Get Real

MAGS: See, I’m not a fan of real ones. I mean, real ones fall a little flat, if you know what I mean. I’m thinking about seeing a doctor to give me a little push-me-up. But I’d love to get brand newbies (that’s Medicine Guy code for “new boobies”; he’s a really great doctor!)

(...) FULL STORY>>>

By Christina Delia

Tiger Mothers /Seething Cauldrons

It’s been a tough time in the Tiger den. Despite appearing on several important morning talk shows, a few moderately interesting nighttime shows, and a humor show that I clearly don’t get, it seems that many people are somehow upset about my firm and inflexible belief that all Western childrearing is wrong.   My thesis is this:  Childhood is not about fun or happiness.  It’s about the relentless effort towards a goal, and mediocrity is not acceptable.  I guess I should have done some research prior to the media blitz.  But then I would have had to buy a TV or a popular news magazine, and who has time for that.  I have a full-time job, a husband, a household, and two children to micromanage lest they develop an independent thought.  

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Miller

February/March Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Athena hears that the New York Groundhog did NOT see his shadow, but the Pennsylvania groundhog DID see his, throwing the weather casting community, who determined this method for determining whether we get 6 more weeks of winter, into chaos and conflict.  Athena never quite understood how this was supposed to work since, let’s get real: this is a rodent people, and it’s not even known for fetching a ball let alone predicting climatic conditions.  We could see if maybe a border collie was asked what the future would bring – these dogs are really smart and can be counted on for stock tips – but a ground hog?  After consulting with her border collie, Athena decides to invest in a new pair of snow boots, as well as oil futures.

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Debra Victoroff

February/March Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My future husband Nick and I are in a bit of a bind. We are planning the wedding ourselves, and are truly in a fiscal pickle. I might be losing my job in marketing soon, and I’m really not sure how we’re going to make ends meet. So far we’ve put the deposit down on a rental hall, and for the florist. Any advice for finding wedding day entertainment on a bare-bones budget?

Daphne Desires a DJ

MAGS: Well, this makes sense to me! Once I needed money! It always happens to some people eventually sometimes! I’ve never had a fiscal pickle. Is that like carnival food? I dated a carnie once…or maybe his last name was Carney? Or did he work for the rodeo? Or did we shop at Rodeo Drive? Or was it one of those bars where you can ride the bartender, I mean, the mechanical bull?

(...) FULL STORY>>>

By Christina Delia

February/March Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

 Dear  Madrone,

Who gets to name a baby?

Frustrated Mother of the Mother.

Dear Frustrated

Are you kidding me? The mother, with whatever say she lets the father have.   You have nothing to do with it.

God bless, Donna

Dear Madrone,

But the child in question is odd. What if she picks an odd name for my granddaughter?

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

January /February Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Well Athena, we made it through another year of lovers’ quarrels, cheating scandals, backstabbing colleagues and at least one shooting. And this was only on “General Hospital”. At least “General Hospital” has James Franco, as does every other form of media on the planet except, so far, the horoscope industry. Since he was apparently born under all twelve signs at once, he can’t concentrate on any one sign and would never know that, for example, Athena will take a cooking class this year and drop an expensive Cuisinart on her foot, but end up marrying the teacher who wanted to buy a new Cuisinart anyway. Beat that, James Franco!

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Debra Victoroff

Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am truly in an awkward position. Even though I am the bride-to-be, I find myself intimidated by my husband’s twin sister (just for privacy’s sake I’ll call her Jealous Jill). Well, Jealous Jill has had it in for me since our engagement party, telling me that all of my ideas are “stupid” and “boring”. Yes, it’s true I want pastel bridesmaid dresses. It so happens that my flower of choice is gardenia. And I am looking forward to our self-serve martini bar/ice sculpture of a drunken mermaid with her merman! It’s MY day, after all! Well, my future husband is no help with this. He always sides with his twin. Whaddaya say girls? Can you help me win this wedding war?

She’s Not MY Evil Twin

(...) FULL STORY>>>

By Christina Delia

January /February Advi ce from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Dear Readers,

Hop in the Ass as my grandfather (may he rest) used to say. It’s twenty frigging eleven, who could ever have predicted that? Oh wait…. Anybody could.   Which is to say, anybody with any sense that is.  There are all sorts of nutsy cuckcoo jamokes out there who think that the world is going to end because of this or that thing.  Well I have news for you...the world isn’t going anywhere. Sooner or later YOU will, though.   Not to be a wet blanket or anything, but that’s how it is.  Speaking of which…

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

Libby Chats with Oprah Winfrey

Dear Readers

It would be really nice to just have an article appear in HW without having to write an apology first. I don't even get paid to write the apology which is like rubbing salt in the wound. Ok, first I'd like to apologize to Oprah Winfrey for getting drunk before during and after the interview, I'm sorry for disparaging her and throwing up in her Hermes Birkin bag. I honestly just thought I was going to burp. I'd also like to apologize to the Four Seasons, I will replace the drapes and the window:. I'm told the fountain can be fixed you just need someone who knows what they are doing. I would like to thank Debra Victoroff for posting bail and Kate Heidel for getting me home.

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Libby Zimmerman

 

8 Tips for Organizing Your Bra Files

Want to know what Victoria’s Secret is? Large-breasted women carry their lives in their bras. For those of us who have trouble keeping things neat and organized, I’m sharing a few important lessons that I’ve learned through trial and error. (We all know how embarrassing it can be when a coworker asks to borrow a pen at that power lunch and you whip out a tampon instead.)

1. Balance is everything. Always store heavier objects in the cup of your smaller breast to prevent tilt. Erect posture is very important. Selection of a particular breast can also come in handy for lifting that nipple that hangs lower than the other. Store little-used items in the bottom of said cup to lift the sagging orb and provide that all-important wang chung (or is it fang shwoo?) that we all strive for. If this also happens to be the weightier breast, be sure the items are light weight (see tippage warning above).

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Annie Busser Driver

Happy Woman Holiday Party Scoop

Well dear readers, here is the promised scoop on our annual holiday party.

We dined at Le Cirque de Soleil and what an elegant salad nibbling crew were we! (Except for one soul who wondered why they didn’t have prime rib and asked for her leftovers to be wrapped in the shape of a foil swan.) All of us looked delicious, me in particular but truthfully all the women benefitted from my skin’s youthful dewy glow .

(...) FULL STORY>>

Whip the House into Shape!

Rachel Zoe: Shut Down Your Holiday Dinner

A Fond Howdy from the Southwest

November Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

November Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Raising Children Worthy of Your Wealth: The Rich Woman's Guide to Parentingr

How To Be A Happy Woman

The Rider

DrumYour Stress Away

April Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

Packing Do's and Don't for That Romantic Getaway

April Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

April Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

How to Settle For Less with Pride!

Around the World with La Petite Rouge: Ch Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Top Gift Ideas for the Man with Horrible Taste

March Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Around the World with La Petite Rouge: BOO

Four Easy Steps for Getting Back into the Dating Scene

February Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

The Best of Happy Woman's Kiss-Off Letters

February Bride Dish with Mags and DagS

Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Around the World with La Petite Rouge: Fire, Famine and Pestilence—The Musical

Valentine's Day Survival Tips for Singles

January Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

How to Get Out of a Date

January Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

December--Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Around the World with La Petite Rouge: Cancelled

The BFD: Hollywood's Latest Diet Craze!

November Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

Make Your Low Self Esteem Work for You!!

November Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

November--Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Around the World with La Petite Rouge: Cancelled

The Fashionista Budget

Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

Should You Be Assertive or Aggressive? Learn from Our Experts!

October Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

October Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

101 Miracle Uses for Cranberries (That Don't Involve the Urinary Tract)!

September Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

Summer Predictions: Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

Beat the Recession Blues: Five Awesome Household Hints!

Your Travel Persona

Summer Edition Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Eva Longoria Parker Terrifies Children and Wildlife on the "Desperate" Set!

Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Shame is the New Pride!

Around the World with La Petite Rouge

May Predictions: Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

Menopause Is the New Puberty

"Restaging" Holidays: If Your Big Day Wasn't Perfect, Do It Over!

April Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Travel Little-Known Hints for Solo Travel in Central America

Madame Expert Parent Answers Your Child Safety Questions

March Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Travel for Children

What You Must Know Before You Even Think About Getting a Pet Slug

You Say Stalking I Say Healthy Interest: A Guide to Facebook

Six Simple Steps to Spice up Your Sex Life
March Predictions: Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

How to Make Him Forget or Fear His Jealousy: You Choose!

March Bride Dish with Mags & Dags

February Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

How to Fight Aging

January Predictions: Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

January Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Interview with Jennifer Love Hewitt

Awkward Thank You Notes for Awkward Gifts

Happy Woman's "Just-Right" Thoughts for Those Special Occasions!

60, rue de Varenne: Postcard from Paris

December Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

December Bride Dish with Mags & Dags

ma Rowley

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