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Recent Articles/Columns

April Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Athena’s birthday has her reviewing her life and her work and her upper thighs. Should she get off the treadmill now and start living the life she always envisioned for herself? The one where she splits her time between a pied a terre in Manhattan (terrace facing the water, heated towel bars, dishwasher that remains closed during the rinse cycle), and a rustic farmhouse in the country (4 acres, a big garden, good-looking farmer next door). How did Athena end up in a studio apartment with a foldout bed and a view of a brick wall? Why does her life consist of meetings with vending machine re-suppliers and dishwasher repairmen? Something’s got to give. Get off the treadmill, Athena (turn it off first, to avoid a concussion), and pursue your joy. Start with the dishwasher. Jupiter says: “The secret to fulfillment is to scrape the dishes before you put them in.”. . .(...) FULL STORY>>

By Debra Victoroff

Packing Do's and Don't for That Romantic Getaway

These days, packing for any trip is stressful, what with all those impossible airport rules and regs. No manicure scissors?! Have a heart, darlings!

But very special considerations apply when it comes to packing for your first romantic getaway with the new love of your life. Do you bring the demure nightgown or the slutty see-through number? Do you pack contingency birth control, or assume he's got that covered? Look no further!
. (...) FULL STORY>>

By Kate Heidel

April Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: As my wedding day approaches, the whole fete is topsy turvy! My maid of honor Gwen has Pityriasis Rosea, which is going to cause nightmares for my photographer (and not the usual garden variety nuptial tribulations!) Also, I didn’t know a wedding would be so expensive! Look, I want my guests to have fun, but this is costing me a fortune!

Stressed Steffie

(...) FULL STORY>>>

By Christina Delia

April Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

Not too long ago, a TV person who runs one of those makeover shows – this one was called something like From Hot Mess to Hot Ness, came to my house to offer me a fat wad of cash if I would let them change me for the better-their better. I turned them down flat. Nervy rat faced SOBs they were. I am 43,I live with my mother (saint), don’t have any problems with women- my main squeeze is just that, (inflatable and stored in a box under my futon.) So what if I’m in to the bookies for gambling debts, when I do finally hit it, all will be taken care of, which could be as soon as next week, I just have a feeling about that, and IF I ever went on a trip on a bus, which I probably won’t since there isn’t anywhere I think is worth the trouble of getting into actual pants for, I would have to pay for at least two seats. I’m good with all that.

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

How to Settle For Less with Pride!

Over the years, settling has gotten a bad rap. But it didn’t always carry such a negative connotation. Just look at the pioneers. It’s right there in the name. They’re called the “Early Settlers,” not the “Early Maybe-we-can-do-betterers.” If they had just gone on and on searching for greener pastures, they would have roamed right off the map into the Pacific Ocean. Someone had to lay claim to Arkansas, right? And that someone is you, Davy Crockett.

Look, we don’t know how to tell you this, but your mother was wrong. You can’t do better. In fact, this sorry excuse for a man you parade around on holidays out of sheer desperation, complete with unibrow like a caterpillar crawling across his forehead, mommy complex and feet that smell like cheese, is probably as good as you’re gonna get. So you might want to consider staking claim to that mole-hill of a man, and not look a gift horse in the mouth- even if said horse has terrible garbage breath and constantly asks to borrow money.

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Sarah Schaffner

Around the World with La Petite Rouge: Ch Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Once upon a time, no one in any service capacity in Barcelona spoke English. Then the 1992 Olympics were held there and suddenly the city was transformed into an international playground. It didn’t matter if your only Spanish word was “no.” They found translators and gladly accepted your money. The last time this delicate flower was in town, without saying a word, the maitre-d pulled out an English menu, assuming that I could only order by color: “Green, por favor.” This was somewhat disappointing as I’d been practicing my favorite phrase for days: “Me gusta espinaca.” (It’s only a helpful phrase if you actually like spinach.)

. (...) FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Miller

March Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Athena is deep into the TV doldrums, still unable to find a new version of a single show in the Law and Order canon. Although she can find one of the shows playing any time of day and night, she feels like this series stop producing new episodes in the late 90s and now just keeps people placated by making sure some version of the show appears whenever they turn on the TV. This causes her to consider turning off the TV and going outside, at the very least to see what this “weather” is that people keep talking about on the news. She has windows to be sure but she mostly uses them to look across at her neighbors who are also watching TV, except for when they stand up and stretch and look out their windows at her. Athena becomes convinced that Vincent D’Onofrio lives in the building across the way. . .(...) FULL STORY>>

By Debra Victoroff

Top Gift Ideas for the Man with Horrible Taste

The trick here is whittling down the sheer avalanche of tackiness to the essentials of the very worst currently available. We guarantee that if your taste-free man is not completely satisfied, we'll throw in the Chia pet of his choice!

Tattoos by Metal Man

There are tattoos, and then there are tattoos by Metal Man of Teaneck, New Jersey. Nestled between a bagel shop and an Asian massage in Teaneck's sparkling Miracle Mile strip mall, Metal Man's renowned studio offers only full body tattoos of every state in the U.S., plus four Canadian provinces and the South Pacific getaway Pago Pago ("Don't ask," insists Metal Man. Okey-dokey!).. (...) FULL STORY>>

By Kate Heidel

March Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

Stressed Steffie

(...) FULL STORY>>>

By Christina Delia

Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

Last year, my sister’s brother-in-law’s sister’s cousin Reeda and her third husband Lou took one of those cruises where they have everything, food twenty four seven, gambling, nightclub, mini shopping mall, beauty parlors and even a discount bulk store for people who buy sequined caftans in mass quantity. It sounded dreamy, I admit I was completely jealous, and bugged my husband to take me on a trip just like it, even though it cost an arm and and leg. So he did. And here’s the thing. It was HORRIBLE. Just one tiny example, the spaghetti sauce was starchy. Can you imagine, for what we paid? Corners were cut everywhere, seriously, at one point we all had to get out and help shove off, the boat was wedged in the slip. And the islands we went to were so exclusive that nobody on earth has ever heard of them, because they didn’t actually exist. How could these be? I’m not sure but I don’t think you can find the island of Aluba on any map. I tried. Or Barpados. Or St. Marvin’s.

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

Around the World with La Petite Rouge: BOO

Nothing ramps up the enjoyment of a vacation so much as the knowledge that you’re not wanted. This can be achieved two ways. First, you can purposely abuse the hospitality of a near stranger. Eventually, you will be kicked out, but it’s fun while it lasts. The second way is to invade the space of a few recently departed souls. Some call this haunting; I call it a failure of the imagination. Without concrete knowledge of other worlds, I’m fairly certain that the Long Beach Holiday Inn is not a place I’d bother setting up permanent after-life residence. It doesn’t matter if the spirit stays or goes, but if there is a ghost, there does need to be some proof beyond the cold shiver/goose bumps/odd feeling that is so popular in the spirit hunting world. Something has to go bump in the night. The ghostly encounter eventually becomes a battle of the wills, and the one with the living body usually wins.

. (...) FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Miller

Four Easy Steps for Getting Back into the Dating Scene

Maybe you’ve just gotten out of a five year relationship. Maybe you’ve been too focused on your career. Maybe for a while you had just given up on men completely. Whatever the case may be, getting back into the dating scene can be a very scary thing.

Never fear, here are some simple steps that can help a single gal get through the exhausting process that society has created to help us find a husband.

Step 1: Knowing the Key Terms

*A contender- Any man interested in dating or hooking up with you. It doesn’t matter if he is way too old, excessively short, has bad teeth or doesn’t speak English. If he has an interest, he’s still part of the game.

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By Valerie Tandoi

February Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) From the 9^th through the 20^th Athena will be in heartfelt discussions with her Toyota dealer as she tries to leverage the sticking accelerator recall to get a repair to her front fender. Although she’s trying to blame the fender’s destruction on the stuck accelerator, the fact of the matter is, she rear-ended some guy in a Lexus when she was distracted by the fact that the head of his front seat passenger kept disappearing beneath the dashboard. She’s not the first driver to have caused a collision while their mind was on sex; statistically this is the cause of 83% of all car accidents in the Northern Hemisphere. The unusual factor in this case was that the front seat passenger of the guy was a Malamute. In the Southern Hemisphere, the passenger is typically a Llama.. .(...) FULL STORY>>

By Debra Victoroff

The Best of Happy Woman's Kiss-Off Letters

Men can be so disappointing sometimes. When you are no longer able to deny that your Prince Charming is really the Duke of Loservania and must be stricken permanently from your appointment book, we invite you to choose from among our finest collection of kiss-off letters in the known female universe. We also invite you to send it on Valentine's Day for maximum impact. No, it's not nice, but neither were those dates with Lord Boring, so karmically you're just about even.

Dear ___,

It has come to my attention that my friends find you a bit appalling. I wish I could say that others' opinions don't matter to me, but I'm afraid they do. I'm almost sure you will find a girl one day whose friends find you merely irritating. Best of luck in that department. (...) FULL STORY>>

By Kate Heidel

February Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Please assist a blushing bride! My husband’s fraternity brother Denny is filling in as a last minute best man. This was after my first choice best man Cousin Alexander (or as I like to call him, “The Great”) was injured whilst trying to help local boy scouts build a state of the art go-cart. Cousin Alexander was a wonderful choice for Best Man, and will sorely be missed. Oh, he will still be present at our wedding, but will unfortunately be of no use to me! (...) FULL STORY>>>

By Christina Delia

Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

Help me, I am going crazy. For the life of me, I cannot remember names. Well, I can remember the name all right, I just never can attach it to the right face. Seriously. And people remember mine, no problem, maybe because I always wear a necklace that says who I am. I got it from my mother, may she rest. Why don’t all people do this? But they don’t. So what am I supposed to do when someone comes up to me and talks like they know me from way back, and is delighted to remember all the good times we shared, and how much we owe each other, and I don’t know them from Adam and they DON’T TELL ME WHO THEY ARE! I made the mistake, the other day, of saying, excuse me, but where do I know you from? to someone who ran up to me by the Vidalia onions at the CostCo (the price was unbelievable) and threw their arms around me, and hugged me like I was their long lost sister. Turns out, I was.

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

Around the World with La Petite Rouge: Fire, Famine and Pestilence—The Musical

It isn’t often that theatregoers, that dwindling minority in the world of electronic entertainment, are allowed to wallow in sentimentality about the glory days. It’s actually impossible because the most ardent fans are either dead or weren’t born when things were really kicking. Even the dead would have a hard time thinking of nice things to say about what I call Fire, Famine and Pestilence, the show that makes the kindest, sweetest, ticket holder consider hostile acts with a potato masher. (Okay, it’s Little House, but Whoa Nellie would have been much funnier.)

This writer is neither kind nor sweet, and felt the only bit of excitement in the show was when an actor pulled out a bullwhip. Oh, yes, thought this theatregoer. Let’s get cracking. Alas, it was a tease. The show was meant to be heartwarming and idyllic, which sucked the fun right out of the enterprise.

. (...) FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Miller

Valentine's Day Survival Tips for Singles

Valentine's Day caught you unattached again? Concerned about repeating last year's little incident involving a half-naked strip tease in front of your ex's building? (or so the police report claims.) Don't despair.These simple tips are guaranteed to get you through this Hallmark holiday with your head held high!

1. DO call in sick. Avoid the sight of every other female in the office (including your gay assistant) receiving one colorful bouquet of roses after another. Instead, stay home and using an old credit card receipt, track down your ex's current delivery and, posing as his secretary, cancel or change it to a lovely garden mum. If the florist gives you a hard time, tell him you've just been informed that the intended suffers a severe allergic reaction to roses resulting in paralysis and sometimes death.

2. DO NOT order take out -- unless you're willing to suffer the pity of even the pimple-faced pizza delivery boy.

.(...) FULL STORY>>

By Julie Hansen

January Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
Athena especially hates the long cold slog to spring, unless of course she lives in LA in which case she’ll have about 10 days of light drizzle before the return of warmth, sunshine and giant sunglass-wearing celebrities. (By this we don’t mean that the celebrities are giants – in fact most are quite short and stand on boxes to act, except in action movies where they use Segways). But January brings the guilty pleasures of bad movies with their bad movie fonts that make them so easy to spot and then to attend with lowered expectations (Jennifer Aniston! This will be very average indeed!), or to avoid, since everybody knows that when a studio chooses the Helvetica font to advertise their movie, they’ve already given up. .(...) FULL STORY>>

By Debra Victoroff

How to Get Out of a Date
Aren't there just so many reasons not to go on that date, ladies? He's not your type -- in fact, whose type would he be on this particular planet? He's too old (but he's never too young, like we had to mention it). He's just what your mother ordered. He whistles when he could hum, and he hums when he could shut up.

Since there is simply no excuse for wasting an evening on the man of your nightmares, grab a drinkie poo, kick up your feet, and arm yourself with Happy Woman's sure-fire arsenal of date detonators!

(...) FULL STORY>>

By Kate Heidel

January Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I have been waiting my entire life for my wedding day. I never thought it would happen for me, but finally, it’s here! The problem is that my bridesmaids are making it more about them. Here’s an example: I wanted to give out silver picture frames as wedding favors, right? Until my maid of honor Georgeanne mocked me. She said people throw favors in the trash, and there’s no point in giving out anything that isn’t edible! Plus the girls want me to dip into my wedding fund and splurge for a party bus! This thing is out of control! (...) FULL STORY>>>

By Christina Delia

December--Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Dear Readers,

It’s the holidays. If you have any money left over after you pay your bills,and whatever protection money outstanding, you might be wracking your brains thinking of what to get whoever. And many of you write me, Madrone, tell us what to do about all these thigamajigs that everyone has to have. Phones take pictures and our hair dryers are also good for making bread. What’s going on, the world is going crazy. How can we buy something for anyone when we don’t know what the thing is called let alone what it’s good for. Plus who has money to waste these days? Help us we implore you Madrone, take pity on us!! We’re begging you.

. (...) FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

Around the World with La Petite Rouge: Cancelled

You know what you heard. Someone offered to take you to Saint Petersburg. An hour later, you receive clarification. They would love to take you to Saint Petersburg. But that's not the same thing as actually offering to take you anywhere, anytime, for any amount of money. In fact, the person is surprised you were so easily confused, and uses this as yet another example of all the times your little heart was filled with false hope.

Here is a sampling of such fake-outs that left this writer filled with a minor case of rage.

. (...) FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Miller

The BFD: Hollywood's Latest Diet Craze!

Demi and Ashton are rumored to indulge...and so is Paris Hilton. Insiders call it "the BFD." Cynics call it "the googoo diet." But whatever you call it, you've probably heard the buzz about Tinseltown's latest diet craze, the Baby Food Diet. Some have dismissed it as another silly trend, soon to be replaced by the next big thing. But the BFD is not merely the latest food fad of the glitterati. It is a realistic weight-reduction plan founded on solid scientific principles, with a well documented record of success. .(...) FULL STORY>>

By Karen Craig Carter

November Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

Make Your Low Self Esteem Work for You!!

November Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

November--Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Around the World with La Petite Rouge: Cancelled

The Fashionista Budget

Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

Should You Be Assertive or Aggressive? Learn from Our Experts!

October Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

October Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

101 Miracle Uses for Cranberries (That Don't Involve the Urinary Tract)!