Happy Woman Magazine (Parody/Satire/Humour)

Dear Madrone,
I don't get why things are such a mess down my way. I mean the garbage doesn't get picked up regular, and the kids talk like they were raised by hoodlums, and they dress like slobs, even when their people make good money. I pay the guy to mow my lawn regular, not a shabby price, and he leaves the clippings, says it's good for the lawn, which it is not. And don't get me started about the price of everything else. It's higher than ever, and for what? I ask you, why don't we all just lay down and die?

Travel for the Trepid

There is a belief in some circles that travel must be uncomfortable, baffling, or intermittently painful with short bursts of relief. Those descriptors better fit a root canal or a children's music recital. There is nothing in the definition of travel that suggests only the worst possible outcome for the trouble of leaving home. One travels to the mailbox. One travels to the drug store. A trip to the mailbox doesn't usually require Dramamine or an after-dinner mint, but it's often helpful to have both on hand. So while you're at the drug store, pick up a few things. These are the souvenirs of daily life.

The innocent tends to be truthful. The smarmy tends to be snide. The narcissist tends to be self-serving. Truth and attitude are the last things you want in your thank you notes. Whether you're sending out thanks for a graduation gift, or you're stumped for an appropriate comment about an ice bucket that was not on your registry, it's hard to stay on task. Your time is precious, and that deviled egg tray (also off-registry) is simply not worth the time to pen a fake thankful note.

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
Early this month you'll be the center of attention when 2 inches of your 3-inch high heels gets caught in the slats of the old-fashioned escalator at Macy's. With one hand on the moving railing, you'll struggle to free yourself, becoming more frantic as the top of the escalator looms, resulting in you looking like a duck at a carnival shooting gallery. We say, sometimes it's better to give up a shoe than lose a limb. You have to decide if this is one of those times.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
A hair appointment goes awry when your usual girl runs away with her tattoo artist, leaving you seated before her replacement who has a sharp pair of scissors and a bad attitude. No matter what you suggest: "what do you think of bangs?" she puts her hand on her hip, rolls her eyes, and gets a look like she's waiting for the dryer to come to a complete stop. Even when you notify her that she just cut off your earlobe, she insists that the resulting look is "modern and fun" and stems the flow of blood by applying a "very popular" holding gel. Whatever you do, don't get a facial between the 9th and the 11th.

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Yesterday at a family dinner my cousin Randy revealed that he's most excited about my upcoming wedding. I was pleased, but then Randy explained what it was that made him so happy: my bridesmaids. He has a bet going with his friends that he can bed two bridesmaids for the price of nothing (open bar, I should've gone the tacky cash route). Worst of all, my wedding is at a well-known hotel, so there will be plenty of room (pun intended) for Randy to revel in. Randy is a charming guy who has done modeling! He is extremely photogenic! He's about to ruin my wedding!

RANDY TOO HANDY (Pun Intended)

horribly overweight. If you wish to pretend that it's a matter of some uncertainty, then you may take our infallible Polka Dot Bikini Test before moving on to our delicious recipes.

1. Measure the width of one of the polka dots on your bikini bottom. Be sure of absolute accuracy!

2. Pull on bikini bottom. Let us just point out that, at this juncture, if your bikini bottom doesn't slip down to your ankles of its own accord, you are already on shaky ground.

3. Now measure the EXACT polka dot you measured before struggling to pull your bikini bottom over those undulating thighs.

4. Note that the polka dot has almost certainly expanded beyond its original width, and you have just wasted everyone's precious time. Now get to work!

Springtime in Paris. The daffodils, roses, magnolias and linden trees simply bursting with heavenly colours and smells make April in Paris so perfect that not even an attentive and loving husband could ruin it. It reminds me of the first enchanted spring days of my childhood at La Paumardiere, when I used to watch my father caring for the horses, rams and bulls, and I'd hop up and down like a little bunny and beg "Papa, please let me use the emasculator." And it has been a stellar time for France, with victories at home-Nicolas' triumph over a creepy foreign enemy at the National Livestock Show (Foreign Enemy: "Don't touch me, you soil me when you do." Nicolas, ever the grand statesman: "So get lost, mother f%cker." (www.youtube.com/watch)-and abroad: after conquering America with an Oscar, we conquered England with a brilliant visit in late March, and I haven't felt such a bounce in my step since last year's fashion week in Paris when I saw American Vogue editor Anna Wintour's ten-foot black pashmina get caught under the revolving door at the Ritz and watched her being dragged around repeatedly to bloodied unconsciousness before finally being spewed out onto the place Vendôme during the garbage strike and I rushed to her and said "Why bangs?"

Dear Madrone,

I am a guy. I want you to explain women. I was at Costco, stocking up on necessities, by which I mean the economy pack of TP- 1000 sheets, $5.99, unbelievable bargain, when this young lady about my age passes by me, gives me the once over and rolls her eyes. A seriously negative roll. From one to ten, if one was Hey sweetface and ten was Get the tongue depressor ready, this was an eight. I was disturbed and insulted. Here I am minding my own business, I do not deserve the hairy eyeball. What ails her? Tidy, Bowling Green

rampant, tearing the limbs off Barbie dolls and smashing its toy cars against the wall, within our pre-school population these days. Doctors, psychologists and educators are so darn quick to recommend medications for this problem. But any savvy mother can calm her four-year-old and increase his attention span the natural way, without spending her hard-earned pennies from her part-time job at Hooters to buy Ritalin for her child.

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
This month finds you laid up with a back injury you suffer twisting into a pretzel trying to identify what it is that's so itchy on the back of your thigh. Why bother to look at those things - they'll only depress you anyway? Especially when you find out it's tattoo and you have no idea how it got there. Super-especially when you find out it's a tattoo of Justin Timberlake and you're not even sure who he is. The stars suggest you watch where you sit in the future.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
April showers bring May flowers but right now all you can think about is how can someone collect 18 umbrellas, none of which work. The last time you went out with one and tried to open it, the top disengaged from the handle, shot across the intersection and almost impaled some guy who was trying to put money in the parking meter. The time before that, your umbrella opened into a flat surface like a huppa and a passing rabbi started to perform wedding vows with you and a nearby linden tree. Next time try a beach umbrella. You might still get wet, but there's always the chance you'll meet a lifeguard.

These days there's no excuse for going anywhere but Green, and that includes getting rid of those out-of-date men you've got lying around. Battery dead on the big dud? Overweight and simply denting the couch? Well sure, get rid of him, but think of Mother Earth first! Not only will you be doing your part to keep the planet safe from your toxic waste-of-space, but some options even get you a little green of another sort, that is if you recycle your man the Happy Woman way!!

This classic donation site may not give you cash on the spot, but think of tax time, because donations at Goodwill are tax deductible -- just be sure to ask for a receipt!

From Primping to Pimping

How dare that pinch-nosed harridan behind the Chanel counter scissor through your MasterCard? It was only an innocent lunch-break browse. Now, you must slink back to the office pale-mouthed and blotchy-eyed, all the while wondering if you can live on packets of discount Ramen until next payday.

What's a lady in such straits to do? Why, become a lady of the night, of course. This classic entrepreneurial job offers a most graceful solution to your difficulties. There's no need to feign shock; you've been mistaken for that sort often enough. Why not start getting the respect that members of the oldest profession deserve?

Dear Madrone,
My husband's mother is a doll face, what can I say. I have no complaints about her at all, none, which is to say there is one thing about her that is driving me out of my tree. She is a chatty Cathy. Non stop. Night or day. No matter what. You can not shut the woman up. She can talk about anything for hours. Like the time I took her to the movies, to see that nice picture about the woman who was having some trouble and she didn't trust the right person until the very end when she realized her mistake just before it was too late and the right person not only saves her home but also marries her AND makes sure that the person who was causing all the trouble will never bother her ever ever again, I can't tell you how much I LOVE that movie, I would see it a million times (not like the one where the really handsome rich guy wants to pay good money to sleep with someone else's pretty wife, I could never see how they made THAT conversation last more than ten minutes...

To those of a certain age, being openly boastful about one's abilities may be perceived in a negative light. They were raised to believe, "If you have to toot your own horn, it doesn't need tooting." Well, stand up Satchmo and show your style, your flair, your outstanding abilities. Are you tops in butter churning? Well, don't let your Amish background prevent you from churning with glee. Is hopscotch your secret weapon? It's not just for the pig-tailed set. You're Number One, even though it's not technically possible for everyone to be the best simultaneously in the same area of distinction. Forget the math-based quibbles and show off.

The only thing stopping you from achieving outstanding recognition for your special talent is the occasional misstep, such as wearing tap shoes to clogging camp. We are all flawed, and yet all wonderful, so every wonderful person makes mistakes. The best examples come from real life, so here are actual fabulous people momentarily slipping into the abyss of embarrassment. These achievers lived to tell the tale, which additionally makes them superlative in the field of bitter truth.

HW RERUN: Premenstrual Easter Decorating With Dust Bunnies!

In synergy with our Premenstrual Philosophy of Dusting -- "Why Bother?" -- we've developed a delightful array of premenstrual

decorating ideas for Easter, whose main feature is the prodigious dust bunny. Yes, if you've followed our no-dust policy for as little as two months in only one uncarpeted room, you'll find all the little puffs you need to create a premenstrual panoply of adorable Easter decorations. Here comes the Easter Dust Bunny, and his friends, too!

Sweep all the dust-bunny material you have accumulated from diligent lack of housekeeping into an old pillowcase. Tape the pillowcase shut and gently roll it over a carpet or rug until it has formed into the shape of a big ball. You now have the natural equivalent of polyfill, from which you can pull dust-bunny material according to your size needs. Talk about convenience, and it doesn't cost a penny!

March Predictions: Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
Athena's birthday is coming up and it looks like it's a big one. Those round numbers can be intimidating, especially if you take the emergency brake off and they roll down the hill and kill someone. But still if you want to have a party and actually publicize the occasion, be our guest. Ignore those who will inevitably greet you with, "Wow, what must it be like to still be dating at your age?" Little do they know they will soon be single and also your age. Once your birthday is over, put it behind you and don't bring it up again until you have to renew your passport.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
This month has you extending an apology to a Psyche in your crowd after a dinner party you attend at her place goes horribly wrong. The phrase "horribly wrong" is over-used some might say, particularly in reviews for derivative screenplays, TV Guide synopses, and the American Presidency, but in your case, it's perhaps an understatement. Your gaffe makes Borat look like Rhett Butler. We won't tell you what happens because it's so funny to everyone who wasn't there, but hint: clean your kitty's litter AFTER the party.

What's in your stars?

By Debra Victoroff

Bride Dish with Mags & Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Tell me if I'm out of line. My not-yet hub Paolo wants his friend Benji to perform at our wedding. See, Benji is in a Seventies cover band, complete with disco –style jumpsuits and matching balls. I pictured our wedding as more "East-meets-West" Asian fusion, not "Past-meets-Yuck". I keep telling Paolo that I'm the bride, but his response is, "And I'm the groom". How can I marry my man, but divorce the discothèque?

NOT DENYING DISCO DRAMA

MAGS: This reminds me of a parable I once heard. This amazingly hot gal had to meet the boyfriend's makers, a.k.a. his parents. She was so not ready. This guy was more like a twelve-night stand, and they were only on night seven, right? So she had to dress to regress. That is, in the kind of getup her own momma would make her wear to family functions when she was an even younger thang. Did it work? Did the boy toy's parents prance with joy? No, they did not. Why tell this story in a bridal advice column? You can only cover up so much cleavage, love. My disco balls still peeked through.

FULL STORY

By Mags & Dags

Pamela Anderson Can't Drive

"But what she CAN do is a Sci-Fi scandal!" says the doorman who hails her cabs!!

La Jolla, California. Tony town of seaside lunches and a pair of implants every other chick. Not really my speed. I'm more of an au natural dame myself, but I go where the story takes me, even if it's the Silicon Valley of the Babes.

Speaking of implants, I got a tip the other day that Pamela Lee-Kid Rock-Salomon Anderson might be taking a little break between marriages at a hotel down the main drag. So I'm in Starbucks, see, cause it's going to be long night in La Hoity-Toity. I'm throwing down the high-octane java. Hot scoops don't come easy, but I was born with that news flash in my mouth.

I wait until dark, like the movie title says, and sashay on over to the swanky hotel that's supposed to be the bucks-up bunkhouse for one Ms. Pamela Anderson. Money may not buy happiness, but four stars and a red carpet to the open door of a big black limo is close enough, if you ask me.

Full Story>>

By Kate Heidel

Bonjour, mes chéries! You won't believe it. Carla Bruni-Sarkozy and I were having our claws sharpened two weeks ago at Carita-there's nothing like a mani-pedi with your BGF to make you relax, I mean other than a Top of the Pops mix of monoamine oxidase inhibitors in a bottle of perfectly chilled Taittinger brut rosé prestige, of course-when she turned to me and said "Loulou darling, I have wonderful news. Nicolas told me that I'm pregnant!"

I let out a little squeal and said "A baby in the Elysée palace!" This, I told Carla, is going to be like that magical time of Camelot that all of us here in France remember from the adorable images of little John-John Kennedy peeking out from beneath the skirt of Marilyn Monroe in the Oval Office while his mother sat out on the Truman Balcony getting hammered and it made me nostalgic for those first days of autumn in Paris each year when we would send the children off to school with their new book satchels and crayons and cigarettes

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Travel for the Trepid

From Primping to Pimping

HW RERUN: Premenstrual Easter Decorating With Dust Bunnies!

Laundry Room Makeover--Your New Home Office!

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