Have a Baby and Name it Chloe

 

By Mary Ketarkus Brown

 

 

Call me Ishmael. Or Apple. Or LaQueesha.

 

Hear a name enough and BOOM, a million Britneys, Caitlins and Megans roam the planet. Blame TV for all the de-wombed Dylans and Mileys. One woman was so passionate about encouraging parents to stop naming girls Jennifer that she started a Web site called “The Society for Preventing Parents From Naming Their Children Jennifer.” When that site shut down, another group hatched: "Asylum For Those Named Jennifer Who Have Gone Insane From Meeting Too Many Others Named Jennifer."

 

Indulgent parents-to-be obsess for months about picking the perfect baby name: The ONE that best conveys, “I’m Selerie. I’m special. I will grow up to become a CEO. I won’t fall victim to messy and very public litigation.” They might negotiate with a drug company to sponsor birthing costs, “Mom, Dad, meet Lipitor and Lunesta.”

 

Très hip couples chill in front of their flat-screen TVs, laptops resting on their thighs. One eye watches The Learning Channel’s: A Baby Story, while the other scans the Internet for baby names. Disappointed with Web name options for their impending $1,500-a-pound bundle of joy, our PG couple vroom off in their Mini Cooper to the closest retail library, skinny cappuccinos in hand, to peruse 157,000 baby name and pregnancy books.

 

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A procreative mind is a terrible thing to waste. Pregnant couples brainstorm to come up with THE unique label that assures extra attention each time it's muttered, and the subsequent question: What’s precious lamb's name mean?

 

Names formerly known as nouns: Rumor, Renegade, Rage. Are they boys or girls?

 

Think outside the yard. Why not gardening-related terms? Chysanthemum. Vibernum. Trug. Aphid. Rake.

 

Popular 21st century sobriquets like Kylee, Kaylee and Kaylah sound more like Golden Retriever puppies than grandkids, but that doesn't stop indulgent parents-to-be from considering them.

 

There’s the traditional take on naming names. Grandparents secretly pray their grand-offspring will have classic names like Thomas, Richard or Harry. Indulgent variations aim to please everyone. That’s when Thomm, Richerd or Harrie end up saddled with a life-sentence of spelling his unusual name. If your name is Cathy, Linda or Bob, you grew up as one of seventeen Cathy’s, Linda’s or Bob’s in any gym class or pediatrician’s waiting room. And what about the Jr. moniker? Many Jrs end up in the same career as their dad’s. Is there a Jack Kevorkian, Jr.?

 

Rip open a random annual holiday letter and follow the exploits of Magenta, Velveeta and Chandelier. Speaking of holiday cards, alliterative names make it super fun signing a stack of glittery photo cards: "Best wishes in the new year. -Jean, Joe, Jaxon, Ja'Red, and baby J'ello." Karl and Kandy Kester had a baby just to name it Khloe Karmen. Daddy’s little girl grows up, crashes the glass ceiling of an Atlanta corporation, and one day, hovers over a stack of expense reports, initialing them KKK. Oh-oh.

 

Boys' names comprised of initials seem either pretentious or white-trashy: AJ, CJ, DJ,, Magnum P.I. Girls with two-letter initial names were supposed to be boys. BJ a poor choice either way.

 

Undecided on a name during childbirth? No problem. Delivery rooms can provide parents inspiration. Look around. Evian, Billy-Ruben, Bourbon, Epidural, Episiotomy, Vishnu. Now send me a check for $5,000 for branding your baby.

 

 

On any given Saturday in Westchester County, New York at a gently-used clothing and equipment sale, among throngs of double and triple strollers (thanks, fertility drugs), you overhear a mom named Eyelette call out, “Ritalin, Adderral, Zoloft! Over here, NOW!” In Fruit’n’nut, California kids might have names inspired by homeopathic remedies: Hekla Lava? Sounds exotic. Belladonna? Chic, Italian. Hyoscyamus? So original, so NEW AGE-Y. Ooh, New Age names. Déjà vu. Aura. Chakra Khan. Medium. Eckstralargé. Déjà vu.

 

Celebrity parents are legally required to choose unusual names. These popular kids of the American social hierarchy are used to attention and need to be sure their precious moppet is showered with tons, too. The weirder the name, the better. Late musician Frank Zappa's daughter is Moon Unit and illusionist Penn Jillette committed to Moxie CrimeFighter for his baby girl. (Do celebrities invite other celebrities over to watch their birthing videos? You can bet their placentas are prettier.)

 

After weeks and months of obsessing over the perfect name, indulgent parents-to-be share name choices with friends and family, but soon stop. Everyone has an opinion, which throws a monkey wrench into the still-in-the-box Graco® stroller wheels. Once Chloe’s name is inked on birth certificate, every kid on the block shares it. Indulgent parents-to-be, remember what really matters: Committing to baby's room theme. Whatever parents end up shouting after their progeny running amuck at the mall, naming a baby something cool and quirky is the #2 reason to have a child. #1? Scrapbooking.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

 

Mary Ketarkus Brown writes humor for greeting card companies, has her own line of irreverent pop culture parody cards (http://www.meanmaryjean.com/) and finds time to homeschool her cats, Larry King and Velvet Jones. Her work has appeared in print, on National Public Radio (NPR) and online.

 

OTHER HW ARTICLES BY MARY KETARKUS BROWN

 

Decorating TV Guide

 

'Crapbooking