Est. May 2000 AD

 

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Premenstrual Easter Decorating With Dust Bunnies!

by Kate Heidel

In synergy with our Premenstrual Philosophy of Dusting -- "Why Bother?" -- we've developed a delightful array of premenstrual decorating ideas for Easter, whose main feature is the prodigious dust bunny. Yes, if you've followed our no-dust policy for as little as two months in only one uncarpeted room, you'll find all the little puffs you need to create a premenstrual panoply of adorable Easter decorations. Here comes the Easter Dust Bunny, and his friends, too!

General Preparation

Sweep all the dust-bunny material you have accumulated from diligent lack of housekeeping into an old pillowcase. Tape the pillowcase shut and gently roll it over a carpet or rug until it has formed into the shape of a big ball. You now have the natural equivalent of polyfill, from which you can pull dust-bunny material according to your size needs. Talk about convenience, and it doesn't cost a penny! MORE

 

Celebrate Your Daughter's First Period with a Poignant Puberty Party!

By ChristianaTosatto

In many cultures there is great celebration when a young woman experiences her first menses. All around the world adolescent females bask in the glorious attention bestowed by family and friends as they enter the gateway of womanhood.

So what the hell is the matter with us? We toss a pad and a Midol at our bewildered little girls, maybe even snicker a sarcastic, "welcome" and shuffle them back off to middle school. Hardly fair, is it? Well, as an enlightened parent you can help change this disturbing trend. Throw your daughter a party she'll always remember!

 

How to be Miserable in Ten Easy Men or Less!

By Rondi Adamson

Tired of being happy? Tired of being involved with all of those men who want to marry you? If it seems the joy will never end, there does exist a simple solution. Look for a different kind of man. Stop going for those dreaded "nice" guys who are honest, have values and are, yes, BORING. Choose the road less travelled and see if it doesn't make all the difference. Pretty soon you'll be down in the dumps, kleenex always in hand, vodka bottle nearby to numb that frontal lobe. You'll be so miserable you won't love company anymore, because you'll drive it all away. Except of course, for the men in your life. The new, awful guys you should start chasing after. Guys like these never disappear. If you don't know who I'm talking about, please read on. After all, I just want you to stop smiling. MORE

Your Diet Diary

by Elaine Langlois

5 a.m. Here you are, up after a refreshing 11 hours of sleep. You sleep more on your diet, since there isn't much point in being awake. Mustn't talk like that. Just stop and think: you have gone 11 hours without eating. Imagine all the calories your body has burned up as it has gone about the important business of keeping you alive!

6 a.m. You've had four cups of coffee with skim milk and just the tiniest bit of sugar, and you're not even hungry. Just cannoning along on a great rush of caffeine. Pulse racing. Temples pounding. "Heaven blazing into the head." It's almost as good as wolfing down a half-dozen crullers. MORE