Life After Sex and the City

 

By Sarah W. Szucs

 

Television has brought us closer to understanding many of life's great mysteries. Some of these mysteries are relationships, sex and shoes. Numerous programs on TV today are written so well that they have the power to change lives on the other side of the viewing screen. Change lives for the better. Many of these improved "televiewers" owe a great debt of gratitude specifically to a revolutionary show about women. These women are women who are fashionable. And have friends. And live quirky-yet-glamorous lives, and are also cosmopolitan. And like to become involved in relationships. And like discussing outrageous topics in restaurants. Sadly, this Sunday night staple and benchmark of the modern television-watching woman has finally been laid to rest for good.

 

Unfortunately, many former viewers are left haunted as they wonder, "what can I do with this gap in my viewing schedule?" Well there is no time like the present for all you armchair sexaholics to examine your own lives in comparison with what the television people are up to. Take this simple test to see whether a) you should leave the house and unleash your fabulous self onto the world, or b) you need to find another program to fill that empty block of television viewing time.

 

Write the appropriate number for the questions in the following four categories. Tally your score for each of the four categories then total these numbers at the end. (Questions with asterisks are the only number used when tallying total score for that category): Caution: your destiny rests on your answers so be truthful and don't cheat!

 

1. Confidants:

 

 

How many of your friends are truly reliable in keeping your sordid secrets quiet?

 

Of this number, how many could you discuss shocking bedroom romps with while eating a pastrami on rye sandwich at a local delicatessen?*

 

2. Footwear:

 

How many pairs of shoes do you own?

 

Of this number, how many of these shoes honestly fit you?

 

Of this number, how many of these shoes cost at least $250?*

 

3. Attire:

 

Do you have a style of clothes that are both a trademark for you and subsequently cause trend shockwaves to occur throughout the fashion meccas of design? (If no, proceed to question 4)

 

Do you presently own these clothes? (If yes to this question add 10 points to your total score)

 

If they are to be purchased at an undisclosed point in time down the road take 5 points off total score.

 

4. Love:

 

How many serious relationships did you have last night?

 

How many times have you fallen in love since this morning?

 

Now total your score and find your purpose in life:

 

1. 10 and up: Congratulations! You really learned a lot from the show. Advice: You deserve to buy a new pair of shoes.

 

2. 4 to 9: Cheer up, you're almost cosmopolitan. Advice: Watch re-runs of the show and take notes on your problem areas.

 

3. 1 to 3: Looks like you missed the first season. Advice: Better re-watch and take the test after a few months of re-training.

 

4. 0 and below: You're in luck. There are plenty of new reality shows and 24-hour news programs on. Advice: Keep paying your cable bill.

 

©2004 Sarah W. Szucs

 

Other HW articles by Sarah W. Szucs The Loneliest Barstool

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

 

Sarah W. Szucs is a writer of comedy and satire. She and her family live in New York State with their Cocker Spaniel "Scout."