All-Natural Breast Enhancement!

 

By Kate Heidel

 

No, it's not too good to be true! But we must admit that we didn't think of it first. Dr. Christiane Northrup, recently divorced, super-hot physician to the stars, told her readers all about natural breast enhancement in her sizzling first book, "Women's Hot Bodies, Women's Hot Wisdom." According to sexy gynecologist Northrup, all you need to do is harness your natural gift of gab and then point it breast-ward!

 

Now, what the sultry doctor DIDN'T tell you is exactly what to say. Oh sure, she generalized about "affirmations" and such, but what precisely does your chest want to hear? That's where we come in. Based on careful before-and-after bust measurements of the Happy Woman staff, we've compiled our six most successful breast-enhancing conversations. Just don't give up too soon! Our staff unanimously agreed that your chesty chatter must last a minimum of 12 weeks, twice per day. Which means you should be busting out all over just in time for swimsuit season!!

 

Conversation #1

 

Hello there. Before we get started enhancing each of you at exactly the same rate and proportion, please let me just say that I find you both very attractive. It's just that I want to start seeing more of you, as it were. Now let's get started, shall we?

 

I want you to imagine that you are each a pretty, pink balloon, albeit not quite large enough to be a party balloon. All you've ever wanted to be your entire life is a large, shimmering, firm pink party balloon. Well, now's your chance!

 

Your nipple is that funny end part of the balloon that looks a little withery, although both of yours look fabulous, I must say. Anyway, imagine that someone is gently blowing into you through the withery end. You feel yourself stretching out, just like you were taking in a sunny new day. That's right, just stretching gently and evenly. My goodness! I think if you keep this up, you'll each be that party balloon in no time! And don't let me stop you from becoming the biggest party balloons in the bunch!

 

Conversation #2

 

So we meet again! My, you are perky little things, aren't you! You look just like two perky periods at the end of two fun-tastic sentences! But I think you could be more like two pimped-up headlights at the end of a Mercedes SUV! The ones that are tilted up so they don't get in people's eyes, but still shine a voluptuous pair of beams on the road so that everyone sees them coming!

 

Or even better, two enormous klieg lights that could illuminate an entire stadium! My, you would have to be big and firmly placed to do that, wouldn't you! But there's not a speck of doubt in my mind that you could accomplish anything you set your minds to, if you had minds! Which you do, because I'M your mind and I'm sitting here thinking, "Yes, you bet, there is nothing these two couldn't do, I just know it!!

 

So, remember: periods, headlights, klieg lights. It's as easy as one, two, three!!!

 

Conversation #3

 

It's time to say our little prayer together. Ready?

 

Dear God, Mary, Jesus, and all the saints for hearing our prayer. Please feed all the humans of the world -- and please stop all the wars, save us from global warming and terrorism, grow my chest nice and big, help doctors find the cure for dread diseases, prevent animal abuse, triple my bra size, end racism, and save the beached whales or seals, whatever. If you can't do all that at once, just pick one or two smaller items and we shall be most grateful and blessed. Oh, and I know you know which ones I'm thinking of right now and the answer is "Yes." But you knew that.

 

Amen.

 

Conversation #4

 

I think I do enough talking, so why don't I just listen to what you have to say for a change? Just go right ahead and tell me what's been happening since our last visit.

 

Hmmm. Hmmmmm. Uh-huh. Aaahhhh, yes. Yes. Really. Wow. I see. And how does that make you feel? Uh-huh. Well, naturally.

 

So, that's about all the time we have for today. But let me just say in closing that I think you're making excellent progress. You've really grown since our last meeting. And I'd say you're also becoming very well rounded.

 

You're quite welcome. Just leave a check with my secretary.

 

Conversation #5

 

Hello, it's your mother. Don't worry, I won't take up much of your time. So how are my little lambs? Oh, I can't help it, I was there when you were babies, remember? I think you can find it in your heart to indulge the one who raised you from nothing to -- well, what you are today. No-no. I don't mean a thing, I was just thinking. You know that nice girl you spend time with, what's her name? Marguerite? Now there's a lovely, well-proportioned gal! What? Why do you always take everything the wrong way? I think you're just fine the way you are! You just need to maybe sit up straight. I bet a little thing like that would fill your sweaters out so nicely. What?! All I said was, maybe you could take more care with your posture. Can't a mother give a little helpful advice now and then? Honestly, you'd think I was suggesting implants or something. Who needs implants with those wonderful bra pads I've seen in magazines. What?! You're so touchy, are you getting your period? All I said was, they're doing marvels these days with bra pads that would fill out your lovely sweaters like Marguerite does. What?! Well, I can see there's no talking to you right now. I'll try again in a few days, when you're period's over. Love you.

 

Conversation #6

 

Ok, ladies, now I want you to look at what I'm holding in my hands. LOOK AT IT!! That is correct, I am holding a size 36C bra. Now at the moment, you ladies would get completely lost inside these cups, isn't that right? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!

 

But we're not going to stand for that are we? NO! NO!! WE. ARE. NOT. GOING. TO STAND FOR THAT!!!

 

No, instead we are going to grow bigger and bigger and bigger. ISN'T THAT RIGHT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!

 

Let's get out there, now! LET'S GROW! GROW!! GROW!! GROW!!! GROW!!!!

 

At ease, ladies. Fall out.

 

© 2008 Kate Heidel

 

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

 

Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.