Single Girl's Guide to Baby Shower Etiquette

By Sarah Schaffner

 

So you've been invited to a baby shower. Which means that soon a friend will be bringing home a bald, toothless wonder, who can't speak coherently and spits up on himself. So what if you brought that home last Friday night and no one threw YOU a party? It was all, "Who brought this homeless guy here? What if he has a disease or steals from us?!" Not everyone can be as open-minded as you are. And by open-minded, of course, I mean drunk. In any event, you will now have to spend a Saturday surrounded by giant-bellied women obsessed with mammary glands and bodily functions. It's like a frat party minus the beer and testosterone. And what do you even know about kids? Aside from the whole occasional "wetting your pants in public" thing, you don't have very much in common with these miniature people, or the adults who feed and house them. Never fear. Here's a handy reference guide to make sure you commit no faux pas during the fete.

 

Do enjoy a glass of champagne.

Do not get wasted and urge the pregnant guest of honor to do shots saying things like, "Well, if he's anything like his dad, might as well start him on the sauce early!"

Do make small talk with the other guests.

Do not ask them if they know where you can score some blow.

Do compliment other mothers on their children, saying things like "She has a beautiful smile."

Do not say things like, "If she has your eyes and her dad's nose, who's claiming responsibility for that massive forehead?"

Appropriate comment: "How far along are you? "

Inappropriate comment: "Jesus what are you carrying in there? I had a Volkswagon smaller than you."

Appropriate gift: A baby blanket

Inappropriate gift: Earplugs and a box of condoms.

Do suggest participating in a "baby pool" to guess the baby's height, weight, and sex.

Do not suggest a pool to guess the real father.

Do tape a gift receipt to the bottom of your gift in case the recipient needs to return it.

Do not refrain from buying a gift, announcing "I'll wait to see if she follows through with this one or if it will be like that time in college…"

Do try to engage any other children present in talk or play.

Do not ask them how they feel about "not being mommy and daddy's favorite now."

Do offer to prepare a plate of food for pregnant guests.

Do not say things like, "Might as well have seconds, right? You've obviously given up."

Do offer to help load the gifts in the car for the guest of honor.

Do not offer your "services" to her husband until she gets her figure back.

Let's be honest. No one likes to spend four hours watching a fat, sweaty woman swoon over her third Diaper Genie. You're going for the free booze, cake, and the little gift at the end. (Here's hoping it's a candle and not one of those baby socks filled with jelly beans.) But just because you view children as tiny incubators of disease, doesn't mean you can't put on a brave front and a little hand sanitizer, and help celebrate the fact that you're not the one with the ginormous ass. Oh, and the new baby. But mostly the ass.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

 

Sarah Schaffner is a freelance writer and editor living in Baltimore, MD. She contributes a regular humor column to For Her Information Magazine and has survived more than one reunion using these very same guidelines. Depending on who you talk to, she may or may not have been a commodities broker at one time.