A Bitter You-In Just 10 Easy Steps!

 

By Rondi Adamson

 

1. Spend a lot of time with younger people who believe in things and still have hope for the future. Mock them behind their backs and think to yourself how laughable their little dreams are. Remember the dreams you once had and how so few of them came true. For extra impact, make sure you choose especially earnest young folks to hang around with: members of religious groups and young people in love are particularly effective.

 

2. Dwell on things you can't change -- past rejections, criticisms, humiliations and heartbreaks. Relive every painful situation and conversation and make sure to kick yourself for not having thought of the appropriate comeback/action in each interminable scenario. As this activity is paramount to those who wish to achieve a state of utter embitterment and shrivelled-uppedness, put aside at least four nights a week for it. Weekend evening when you could be out on a date are highly recommended. (Related activity: plotting revenge).

 

3. Sleep with married men.

 

4. Compare yourself to other women in every imaginable way. Are they prettier/thinner/smarter/richer/better-dressed than you? Do their futures look brighter than yours? For extra agony, compare yourself to an old boyfriend's new bride. For extra bitterness, compare yourself to someone who isn't as pretty or smart or fashionable as you and look down on her. Think to yourself how superior you are to someone like that and wonder why God hasn't rewarded you for that superiority.

 

5. Hone your self-absorbedness. Assume that everything everyone else says or does is somehow related to you.

 

6. Call your old beaux a lot, especially the ones who dumped you. Rehash old arguments and misunderstandings. Ask them to tell you exactly what it was about you that they didn't like. Insist they tell you all about their current girlfriend/wife. Ask whether they miss you. Insist on a truthful answer. Inject as much vitriol as possible into the conversation.

 

7. Worry about your age. Watch entertainment shows and take special note of how so many celebrities are ten or more years younger than you. Think about all the great poets and novelists who were published before they were even twenty. Remember that by the time he was your age (before even!) Einstein had already changed the way we look at the universe. (The whole damn universe, no less!!) Think about Mozart and Michelangelo and about how you'll probably never leave a legacy for the world to be inspired by in centuries to come.

 

8. Drink heavily, as though you were your dad in the 1950s. Start each evening with a couple of cocktails (at least!) and move on from there to a bottle of wine. Finish the bottle. If you're an angry drunk, now is the best time to call those ex-boyfriends (see #6).

 

9. Blame your parents for everything that's wrong with your life. Unemployed? They should have steered you in a better direction when you were choosing your major at university. Single? If they hadn't had such a dysfunctional relationship themselves, you may have learned how to relate to someone in a healthy way and by now would probably be as happy as Maria was when she finally married Captain von Trapp. Overweight? It's their genes you inherited, after all. No matter what aspect of your life you deem inadequate, pass that buck! You are not responsible. Mum and Dad are.

 

10. Be a misanthrope. This, above all, is the key to bitterness. It takes practice and dedication and you may find yourself slipping back into old patterns of behavior, such as "liking people," or "seeing the good in everyone." But if you stick to it, misanthropy can become as second-nature to you as breathing. Remember, you can always find something to hate about a person if you only really try.

 

© 2005 Rondi Adamson

 

Rondi Adamson is a freelance writer living in Toronto. She believes writing is the highest of callings and only worthwhile when it can ennoble mankind. Accordingly therefore, she will only write for "anyone who pays me."Look for her feature "Why Small Children should be Armed" in an upcoming issue of "Guns N' Ammo Weekly."

 

Rondi's turn-ons are world peace, rainbows and getting cheques in the mail. Her turn-offs are ethnic cleansing, anthrax scares and celebrities who pretend they are really very shy. Her hobbies are going on dates, making wine, working out and worrying.