What's In Store For You This Year?

Predictions based on your body type

 

Our resident expert on everything under the sun has put together a no fail guide that will help you plan your future! You're welcome!

 

Adrenal (Type A)

 

• stocky builds
• muscular arms and legs
• excess weight around their torsos
• untrustworthy

 

March will find you desperately seeking your woollen hat unfortunately it will not reappear until August when you have no need for it. You will put it away only to forget it's location once again.

 

The odd smell in your fridge is a turnip remnant wedged behind your crisper and when a recipe calls for egg yolks it means egg yolks not Egg Beaters.

 

Adrenal's should avoid bathing while using appliances and narcotics.

 

You will fall in love with a gymnast named Boba in June but you will break up with him in August when he sobers up.

 

Best career bet for Adrenals: Fire Eater

 

Gonadal (Type G)

 

• pear-shaped bodies
• excess weight in their legs and rear
• narrower around the chest and shoulders
• solid, practical, determined and dull.

 

This year will bring big changes in your life. You will decide that a sofa-bed is the answer and that highlighting your hair is not.

 

A mysterious telephone call in April will have you mystified until you dial *69 and realize it was a wrong number.

 

You will find the love of your life in June but the relationship will become more complicated once he takes out a restraining order.

 

You will have a confrontation with your boss in August because of poor performance and you will respond by clapping your hands over years and singing "The Yellow Rose of Texas"

 

Gonadal types should avoid wearing aqua and operating heavy machinery while under the influence of alcohol.

 

Best career bet for Gonadal's: Balloon sculpter.

 

Thyroid (Type T)

 

• over-active metabolism
• usually tall with long limbs
• retain weight around the waist
• love to boast.

 

Type T's will find themselves seeking an outlet in June. They may wish to learn how to read or take up paint-by-numbers. Resist the temptation and get a make-over.

 

You will meet a man named Gerry in February over a Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast, you will marry and give birth to triplets in October.

 

The 65 pounds that you will gain during the pregnancy will disappear by noon on November 1st and you will experience dismay in December when you misplace one of the triplets in a shopping mall.

 

Type T's should avoid eating anything they find in the woods and take special care with dry-cleaning bags.

 

Best career bet: Hand model.

 

Pituitary (Type P)

 

• smaller, younger body shape
• weight is generally distributed evenly throughout the body.
• prone to tantrums.

 

You will develop a taste for alcohol in July and go on a three week bender. You will be return in August feeling refreshed and happy.

 

You will find yourself seeking another job in September but will stop in October when you realize no one will hire you because of your penchant for baby-talk.

 

Rummaging around your attic you will find your grandmother's famous cookie recipe. It will call for carob. You won't know what that is and you will throw the recipe away

 

Type P's should be careful not to get involved in Pyramid schemes or line-dancing.

 

Type P's will not find love this year or the year after but they will find great enjoyment in counting.

 

Type P's should avoid running with a toothbrush and Contac C.

 

Best career bet: none.

 

©2000 Sharon Grehan-Howes