Bye Bye Blahs

 

Tips to rationalize your winter misery!

 

By Anneli Jarvel

 

If you're like most people, you worry about a lot of things these days. When it's not global warming and the environment, it's the state of your own health - physical, emotional or financial, along with those unrealistic New Year's resolutions you foolishly made to lose weight and shape up. So many worries, so little time to do them justice, especially in the winter when the days are so short. And if you're like most people, you've probably wondered whether there isn't any way to make this worrying more efficient -to make your misery more productive.

 

 

 

Well, take heart, dear Happy Woman Reader. We have developed a foolproof activity that allows you to rationalize your misery and address all these concerns in one easy method. There's no need to invest in expensive exercise equipment, pills or psychoanalysis. There are no pesky check-ups, weigh-ins or tedious group meetings. And winter is the very best time of year to begin. Just look at this list of benefits: money savings, fresh air and exercise, the chance to meet and mingle with new people, and best of all, a sense of moral righteousness. And all these benefits are only minutes from your door.

 

 

 

So what is this miracle of misery? We call it Taking the bus.

 

 

Your adventure begins the moment you cross your threshold, but before you take that big step, here are a few pointers to get you started right:

 

 

Check the weather report. There's no point doing this unless the wind chill factor is at least 30 below. Gusts are good, as is wet snow.

 

Strap on your sexiest mules - the ones with the 4" heels. And remember, they look best with your black fishnets and micro-mini.

 

Place three dollars worth of quarters on your bedside table and a solitary $50.00 bill in your wallet.

 

This would be a very good day to return those sixteen overdue books to the library. Stuff them in a plastic supermarket bag. Make sure there is a hole in the bottom of the bag.

 

It's always good to carry an assortment of other bags and bundles. If you're feeling very daring, you can replace these with one of those fashionable bundle buggy/suitcase arrangements.

 

 

 

Now you're ready to begin. If you've chosen your day well, getting to the bus stop should be easy - provided, of course, that you live up-wind. In this case, simply place your feet in the nearest car rut in the churned up ice and snow of the road and let the next icy blast carry you along. If you live down-wind of the bus stop, you can begin earning those suffering points right away as your mules slither through the frosty footing and you sprain your right ankle three times per block.

 

 

Once you arrive at the your destination, here's what you need to do to maximize the experience:

 

 

Teeter precariously on the curb, gazing longingly in the direction of on-coming traffic. Everybody knows that the bus will get there sooner if you're watching for it.

 

Try to position yourself beside a large, slushy puddle in the road. The benefits of this will soon become evident as you are bathed with life-giving moisture from passing cars.

 

Make small-talk with your fellow waiters. Be especially sure to describe in excruciating detail your recent bunion surgery and your cat's special dietary needs.

 

 

 

When the bus finally arrives, shoving ahead of everyone else, leap gracefully over the five foot gap between the curb and the open doorway, turning your other ankle and dropping your shoe in the puddle. Hitch up your mini skirt and struggle manfully up the stairs with your assortment of bundles or chic drag-along tote.

 

 

 

Rifle through your purse for at least five minutes, announcing, "I know it's in here somewhere," to the 14 people behind you. When you finally locate your wallet, realize that all your change is sitting on your night table. Step on a wide variety of toes as you shove your way back down the steps and off the bus, muttering excuses.

 

 

 

Trudge all the way back home, dragging that #%*$&#)% tote behind you and losing several overdue library books along the way. When you reach your home, dump your stuff by the door, rush to the bedroom for the change, remember the vodka bottle you have stashed under the bed for emergencies, consider this an emergency, and have a slug.

 

 

 

Spend the rest of the day in bed with your vodka and a box of Twinkies, dreaming about the extra big SUV you're going to buy tomorrow. There now, don't you feel better?

 

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

 

Anneli Jarvel is a technical writer and proofreader with a genetic predisposition to wide hips, overstocked pantries, and offering gratuitous advice. She fails to practice what she preaches in a chaotic household of assorted dogs, cats and people.