The Rider

By  Pamela Miller

 

Blue Corduroy Productions

In Cooperation with A Delicate Flower, Inc.

Present An Evening with Pamela Miller

 

This rider provides the necessary onstage/offstage requirements for public appearances by Pamela Miller, heretofore to be referred to as The Artist. (Please note that in the states of Missouri, South Carolina and Tennessee, The Artist is known ONLY as Fritzie Catalina. No promotional material may be used in those states by The Artist’s given name. Please consult the Legal Department at Blue Corduroy Productions for more details.)

 

Onstage: The Artist requires the following:

 

1) One card table

 

2) One folding chair

 

3) One microphone with stand

 

4) One 20-ounce bottle of water (sealed)

 

5) One overhead projector (not digital)

 

6) One lectern.

 

The lectern and the microphone must be set at a height for a very petite individual. As a reference, use a nine-year old child.

 

Backstage: The Artist requires the following:

 

There should be a dressing room and attached restroom available for The Artist’s use only. The restroom should contain a well-scrubbed shower facility. If it does not meet The Artist’s expectation of what a clean shower should look like, the facility will be charged for all the cleaning products purchased by The Artist and a flat fee of $50.00 for her efforts to rid the facility of filth, grime, mold, mildew and soap scum.

 

1) 4 bath towels, 2 hand towels, 4 washcloths. Towels must be at least 800 grams. (Suggested colors: wheat, salmon, sage. No white towels, please.)

 

2) One 32-ounce bottle of Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap.

 

3) Aveda brand shampoo/conditioner

 

 4) One plastic comb (never used)

 

5) One disposable razor (never used)

 

No blow dryers may be anywhere in the backstage area. The Artist has a blow dryer phobia and refuses all forms of therapy to conquer it.

 

Due to The Artist’s firmly held religious beliefs and local laws against larceny, The Artist does not steal. However, The Artist enjoys finding items. It’s the responsibility of the facility to place a few items in The Artist’s dressing room for her to “find” (suggested retail value: $5000.00). Attached to this rider is an envelope containing red stickers. Please place red stickers on the items that you do not wish The Artist to remove following the performance (i.e. the water cooler, telephone, linoleum tile...).

 

Prior to the performance, The Artist will require a light (three course) dinner and tea service. The Artist is a fussy vegetarian with expensive tastes. The Artist does not drink carbonated beverages, blended coffee drinks, beer, wine or rice milk. The Artist will not tolerate candy, fast food, pasta, bread, rice, pizza, or snack chips. The Artist will require a nutritional breakdown, so please consult a dietitian prior to The Artist’s appearance. If your only idea of a vegetarian meal is lasagna with steamed vegetables, you are barking up the wrong tree. NO PASTA!

 

As for the tea service, The Artist prefers Golden Congou from China’s Wuyi Mountains. Mass marketed black teas will discarded, forcefully, from an upper floor window.

 

The Artist enjoys relaxing with a DVD prior to public performances. The dressing room should be equipped with a 32” flat screen television, a DVD player, and a selection of titles.

 

Recommendations for appropriate offerings are:

 

1) Classic Silent Comedies (Chaplin, Keaton)

 

2) Literary Romance Classics (Jane Austen adaptations)

 

3) Hardcore Pornography (fetish material preferred)

 

All DVDs will become the property of The Artist following the performance. Please make certain that possessing certain DVDs breaks no local laws.

 

The Artist will not tolerate empty seats in the house during the performance. It’s the venue’s responsibility to fill all the seats closest to the stage. As The Artist is near-sighted, don’t worry about anything beyond the fifth row.

 

Following the appearance, The Artist will sign autographs in the foyer for one hour. She will require three security personnel to ensure her safety, 2 black Sharpies and one dozen purple ink pens. The security personnel should look appropriately buff, not like some broken down rent-a-cop working to pay off recent back surgery. The Artist will engage each security officer in a thumb wrestling competition to ascertain suitability to the position.

 

Transportation: The Artist will need transportation from/to her hotel. No limousines or SUVs, please. The Artist is usually cold and will not travel by convertible. The temperature in the vehicle should be set to 78 degrees. A cotton blanket should be in the back seat for her additional comfort.

 

Payment: All monies will be paid in cash to The Artist prior to the performance. No exceptions. Paper money preferred.

 

Force Majeure: The Artist’s obligation to perform is conditional. The Artist is not responsible for bad weather, traffic or bomb threats. The Artist tends to get flighty near her menstrual cycle. No refunds for missed performances.

 

All Terms Agreed and Accepted

 

Purchaser___________________ Date___________

 

The Artist____________________ Date___________

 

Copyright © 2006 by Pamela Miller