Diary of Mrs. Claus

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

 

 

December 1

 

Same thing every year. I don't know why he insists on leaving everything until the last minute. It's certainly not as if they change the date each year. I get so sick of him running around in a panic. Perhaps if he spent a little less time golfing and a little more time working he wouldn't be in this predicament but he doesn't listen. Sometimes I feel invisible. I understand his career means everything to him but I think our marriage is starting to suffer.

 

My yoga classes at the YMCA are going very well. They also are offering a Zumba class that I might join.

 

December 3

 

I've been following that diet I clipped out of Good Housekeeping "Slim Down for the Season" and so far so good! I've lost two pounds this week!

 

For dinner tonight I prepared a chef salad with a vinegar and lemon dressing, a side of skinless broiled chicken and two tomato slices.

 

Nick finished it without a word of complaint and I was delighted!

 

I should have known better.

 

In the middle of the night I heard such a clatter, I ran from my bed... well, you know. Anyway I looked in the kitchen and there he was sitting in the dark, stuffing himself.

 

Honestly! The man has no self-control! He polished off a bag of Nilla wafers, a can of cocktail sausages and half a jar of olives. I was so angry.

 

I am very concerned about him. He's very flushed and short of breath. I took out his suit and it looks like I'm going to have to let it out at least three inches!

 

He says it's muscle, and I said "Well I hope you plan to lift the presents with your stomach." .

 

December 5

 

Nick hired two new elves today as management consultants and he is very excited. Balthazar and Roofie used to work at Keebler and are proponents of the "Force Field Analysis" technique. They've been studying the workshop all week and taking notes.

 

My Zumba class is quite strenuous! My muscles are aching but I am seeing results. I'm sure my bottom is firmer.

 

December 7

 

Well that's it. Rudolph just pawed through my seasonal planter.. He has miles and miles of lichen around but he has to head straight for the 49.00 planter.

 

It broke my heart to see everything uprooted. I confronted Rudolph and he denied it.

 

He is such a liar.

 

December 10

 

The mailman was quite nasty this morning as he unloaded the bags I distinctly heard him say "you folks ever hear of email?" Well, he can mutter all he wants but let's see his face when it's time to tip.

 

I had my colours done and I was shocked to find out I was an Autumn! All these years I was sure I was a Winter.

 

December 12

 

What with my yoga classes, Zumba and my reading group I just don't seem to have the time this year to bake. Nick considers himself a connoisseur of cookies which is a big laugh because the only thing he is picky about is quantity. I put Chips Ahoy out on a tray and he didn't even know the difference.

 

I'm thinking of getting contacts.

 

December 13

 

Tonight over dinner Nick seemed preoccupied. I asked him what was bothering him but he just grunted and said "nothing".

 

I wish he would share with me. He just shuts me out. When I try to get him to open up he says I just wouldn't understand. It's not fair.

 

I've lost 4 pounds! My smock definitely feels looser and I have much more energy.

 

I don't know what to get Nick for Christmas this year. What do you get for the man who makes everything?

 

December 14

 

Balthazar and Roofie's report has depressed Nick. According to their study, Nick's management technique has been too autocratic. The pressure he applies each November/December does result in increased productivity but it upsets the equilibrium. They say he has to deal with the hostility and apathy he creates by concentrating more on the driving forces than the restraining forces. He has to start concentrating on long-term goals rather than short-term. Well it's all Greek to me but I do know that Nick can be very bossy.

 

Nick didn't react well to the report and stormed out to the workshop. He told the elves to line up in a straight line and then demanded they speak up immediately if they hought he was autocratic. The elves of course swore up and down that he was the perfect employer but I'm sure I saw a few of them smirk. It's hard to tell with elves though.

 

December 15

 

I got some highlights in my hair and bought a yellow warm-up suit. Nick didn't notice.

 

December 16

 

We had a rather large argument after dinner. I tried to tell Nick that I need more, that I feel alone, that I need an equal partner. I told him that I just didn't feel important anymore and he flew off the handle.

 

He said I don't understand the pressure he is under, the demands that are made of him every year. He said I can't comprehend the stress that a man in his position has to deal with.

 

I was furious because it's always about him. His work, his career--what about me? I'm wasting away on the vine. There are things more important than a job and it's time he got his priorities in order.

 

He stomped off and sulked in the workshop and I ate an entire tube of marzipan.

 

Something has got to change. I think we need counselling.

 

December 17

 

Took a quiz in Cosmo and I think Nick is definitely suffering from a Saviour Complex. I left it out for him to see but he just laughed until his belly jiggled.

 

I'm thinking of taking a course in computers.

 

December 18

 

Dr. Phil was talking about conflict resolution. I wrote down a few of the tips and tried them out over dinner.

 

In a very calm manner I told Nick that I needed to feel that I was a part of his life. He surprised me by saying he needed my support.

 

He said it wouldn't hurt if I took an interest in his business and I guess he does have a point. He agreed to go with me to a marriage counsellor in the new year which is terrific. Nick is definitely old school so I feel we've made progress.

 

December 19

 

What he says and what he means are two entirely different things. I made a suggestion today and he completely lost his temper. I told him that since reindeer can only go 12-15 miles per hour if we traded them for a  Lincoln Navigator we'd have more time to spend together.

 

This led to a very long quarrel. He was astounded that I would want to lay off his "children" This upset me so. Although I try to bury it, I have to admit that I'm terribly bitter we didn't have children of our own.

 

Nick was trying so hard to make a name for himself in the early years and it did make sense to put off having children, but the time never seemed right and before we knew it it was too late.

 

What's done is done I guess, but it really niggled me that he would think of those dirty smelly layabouts as his children.

 

December 20

 

Oh dear, this is terrible.

 

Nick fired Balthazar and Roofie today and the elves are in an uproar. He got rid of them because he thought they were trouble makers. He heard a rumour about the elves starting a union and I guess he panicked.

 

After he gave them their pink slips the elves went on strike and refused to work until he reinstates Balthazar and Roofie.

 

Nick took off in the sleigh and didn't come home for hours.

 

I thought maybe I'd try to calm things down a bit and went out to the workshop with some cocoa. Emotions always run high at this time of year and usually a nice cup of hot chocolate and a sing-song clears the air but unfortunately the elves had been dipping into the cider. There was no point talking to them as they were very rowdy and  getting quite abusive.

 

Nick came home at 4 a.m. reeking of licorice. He was still pretty upset so I rubbed his feet and sang "I'm a Little Teapot" until he drifted off.

 

December 21

 

It is so strange. The quiet is deafening. No little hammers pounding, saws sawing, drills drilling. I thought it would be terrific to have Nick around during the holiday season but it isn't. He is so depressed. He just sits and puffs on his corn-cob pipe sighing heavily.

 

I tried to put a good face on it and told him that maybe this was a sign that he should retire. I told him with the money we'd save on postage and toys we'd be able to get a nice condo in Florida.

 

In all the centuries I've been with Nick I've never seen him so depressed.

 

December 22

 

It can't go on like this, Nick won't even get out of bed. For all his flaws I do love him. He has always been a good provider and he has always been faithful. I can't stand to see him hurting so.

 

I'm taking control of this situation once and for all. I've invited the elves over for dinner tomorrow night and we are going to work this out if it takes all night.

 

December 23

 

Well the atmosphere at first was frosty to say the least. There was an eerie politeness throughout dinner that made me very sad as I couldn't help but think of the boisterous times we've had in the past.

 

After dinner I asked the elves to state their grievances. Balthazar and Roofie had filled their heads with dreams of a world where toys came in as just-in-time modular sub-assemblies, a world where people worked 8 hours a day with two weeks off every year and a world where people didn't have to sleep in shelves with their co-workers.

 

Nick shook his head, yelled "I'm not a millionaire!" and got up to leave. It looked like things were going to end there, until Simon, one of the more timid elves cleared his throat shifted on his crutch and said. "I'd be happy with a surname, Sir."

 

The room went very quiet as Nick turned around and looked steadily at Simon. He put his finger beside his nose, thought for a moment and said slowly, "I don't think that would be a problem."

 

From then on, the floor was opened up and they were able to come to an agreement.

 

It turns out they didn't want much more than a little respect. Nick was forced to acknowledge that perhaps he had let his end down that he had taken them for granted.

 

The meeting ended with a a group hug and toast to Christmas, then they all scurried off the the workshop.

 

I was left with a sink full of dirty dishes but for once it didn't matter. It was worth it to hear Nick's hearty chortle.

 

December 24

 

Nick just left--late-- I might add, but he's on the road. I just poured myself a shot of Bailey's and I think I'll have an early night. I worry that he'll get the reindeer going too fast and that someone will leave out whiskey but overall, the stressful part is over.

 

I guess it's not so bad. We'll see a counsellor in the new year, work a few things out. I've lost quite a bit of weight and look and feel better than I ever have. My computer course starts on the 5th and it sounds exciting.

 

Maybe next year will be different.

 

 

© 2001 Sharon Grehan-Howes