Don't Just Dump Your Man -- Recycle Him!

 

By Kate Heidel

 

These days there's no excuse for going anywhere but Green, and that includes getting rid of those out-of-date men you've got lying around. Battery dead on the big dud? Overweight and simply denting the couch? Well sure, get rid of him, but think of Mother Earth first! Not only will you be doing your part to keep the planet safe from your toxic waste-of-space, but some options even get you a little green of another sort, that is if you recycle your man the Happy Woman way!!

 

Goodwill

 

This classic donation site may not give you cash on the spot, but think of tax time, because donations at Goodwill are tax deductible -- just be sure to ask for a receipt!

 

Goodwill and other donation sites offer price sheets to help you estimate the current value of a used but clean man. In 2007, estimates ranged from a low of $20 for older men with large earlobes all the way up to $100 for a 25-year old with undyed hair and no tattoos. Not bad!

 

Make the extra effort to run your used fella through a wash and dry, and always present him in a clean shirt and unripped jeans. A good first impression can up the value on the spot! Note to "busy" women: Donations are limited to three men per drop-off visit.

 

Trade-Ins

 

Yes, it's true -- you'll get a much better deal if you don't go through a middleman, but in order to Go Green, we recommend "New Bucks for Old Bucks," an eco-friendly business specializing in offloading those hard-to-lose, late model, creaky hunks of junk.

 

Says owner Randie "Scrap Metal" Binker, "You won't make a killin' bringin' your old man here, but what've you got to lose? A lotta wheezin', snorin', burpin', slobberin' crapola, that's what."

 

Randie does guarantee $15 for any man "who can aim it into the potty" and even more "if he can speak in complete freakin' sentences." And you'll walk away with the satisfaction of knowing your "trade-in" isn't adding to the man stream. Says Randie, "Oh, they'll be warm and fed and like that, but they ain't goin' nowhere, don't you worry."

 

Lingerie Parties

 

Times are tough, even for the slutty lingerie business. That's why these days you can practice pre-currency economics and score that bustier the old-fashioned way: bartering! When boredom has worn the luster off your man before his expiration date, there is simply no better place to showcase your gently used honey than in a room full of lusty women. Before you can shout "Victoria's Secret!" you'll not only be knee deep in lace and garters, but secure in the knowledge that your ex has been placed in a good home. There are certain things you can say that will ensure the most bang for your barter, but this is a family publication.

 

Sort Carefully

 

If you don't own a car because you're wanting to lighten your carbon footprint, don't forget that curbside recycling remains a viable and perfectly respectable option these days. On any given pickup date, you're bound to see a man or two peeking out of the "special" bin for nontypical items.

 

Even small towns now offer this service, due to high demand, and for a slight fee you can recycle a man with only minor preparations. Most recycling companies insist that he, like your glass containers, be fully rinsed of peanut butter, juice, beer and the like, and must not protrude more than one foot out of his special container. If he's a big or tall kind of guy, most recyclers allow him to be placed neatly beside your bins, as long as he doesn't extend beyond the curb, where he may trip small children and dogs, or even clog the gutters.

 

Also, there has been the occasional fine levied for noise disturbances caused by men belching and singing out of tune while awaiting pickup, so be sure to instruct him to zip it. If he continues to annoy, promise him if he's good, you'll wave Bye-Bye. That usually does the trick!

 

© 2008 Kate Heidel

 

 

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

 

Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.