ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

Happy New Year Athena! The year begins with a bang when you rear-end a silver Lexus with your 1989 Chevy Rustbucket. That's OK - surely this guy is rich enough not to get all bent out of shape over a little ding. What's $1500 to a guy who owns a Lexus? Surely he's not going to make your rates go up just so he can save himself what amounts to pocket change. Just to be on the safe side however, put your car in reverse, step on the gas and peel out, weaving madly. Public transportation is your personal catchphrase for 2007, at least until you can legally change your name.

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

Happy New Year Juno! The next 12 months are going your way! Financially there's a windfall due in January, which you'll need because familywise, you get the surprising news that you'll be expecting a little one come September. In February things will fall into place romantically speaking, when the guy who is the reason you're expecting fesses up after the paternity tests and proposes after your dad shows him his handgun collection. April and May look good on the homefront when you move into the basement apartment of your in-laws, which in turn leads in June, to an uptick on the social front, since you know that every Saturday night you'll be bowling with Madge and Larry and your fiancé's unemployed brother, Clem. By late July you'll have actually gotten too big to bowl which means you'll be able to concentrate on your career as a telephone solicitor for the Sleepy's Mattress Company. August is the month to get rid of the last vestiges of your personal life as you prepare for the baby, and in September the little one arrives! You won't remember the next 3 months, which you'll be grateful for later in life, until 2008 arrives and you find you're once again, in the family way! Venus suggests that Jan. 2 you bring home a case of condoms.

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

Happy New Year Aphrodite! Love is in the air, as is an unfamiliar fragrance wafting up from your sink disposal. You decide that perhaps you can go against every natural fibre in your being and be attracted to a guy who wears cologne (Calvin Klein's "Suffocation"), but that smell in the disposal has got to go. The beginning of the year is a good time to stock up on various cleaning products and then use them, which is the part of the process you always seem to forget. Make sure not to confuse the Lysol Mold and Mildew Scrubbing Bubbles with the bath bubbles you have planned for a soak with Mr. scent-sory overload.

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

Happy New Year Diana! Pluto misses you and wants you to know that even though he was never really a full fledged planet, all that stuff he said about you and your "glossy mane" was true and that he was totally sincere when he promised you last January that 2006 was going to be "life-changing" and "the beginning of a cycle of perpetual happiness". Well, now he's gone and Mercury has taken over much of his workload and Mercury wants you to know that 2007 is going to be just OK. There will be a few disappointments at work, a big fight with your brother, one big stain on a favorite sweater (wine) and the carpet (wine again), and at least two incidents of stepping in animal excrement (dog, and unknown). Also, your favorite TV show will be cancelled. On the positive side, Britney Spears will be trapped in a mining accident in West Virginia and there won't be enough interest to put together a rescue effort.

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

Happy New Year Demeter! At this point, you don't even remember what it's like to have sex but get ready because the beginning of the year and the end of the year bring you action like you've never experienced before! Unfortunately from June through August you'll be on a penicillin drip but the symptoms will be completely gone by September and as long as you don't make the same mistake twice, you can resume your wicked, wicked ways all the way through Christmas!

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

Happy New Year Vesta! The New Year brings an elective cosmetic operation for you and one that means a new wardrobe and a brand new job: as a pole dancer! Although you got your Masters in Economics, you never realized that you could work 3 nights a week at Scores and clear the same salary you're making as a tenured professor at Cal Tech. No more devising tests and correcting them on Sunday afternoons; now your weekends will be spent buying feathers and body glitter for your new routine! Not too surprisingly, your romantic life takes a turn for the better, although your boyfriend doesn't necessarily agree.

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

Happy New Year Persephone! The New Year brings challenges at work you hadn't anticipated when the economics department is in an uproar after one of the tenured professors arrives with giant new breasts. Most of the students support the change, and in fact most of the male faculty thinks it's great but, in fact, no one is getting any work done waiting for this professor to arrive and take off her coat, or to write anything on a blackboard, or really, do anything. This remains a problem through June when the University goes on break and you decide to have your bunions removed, giving you an opportunity to be off your feet and out of the office through September. The fall brings cools weather, heavy coats and the search for a new economics professor.

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

Happy New Year, Leda! Saturn sees a great year ahead for you, with a trip abroad (your brother's), a marriage (not yours), a divorce (probably not yours), two births (some lady at work and Britney Spears, again!), the publication of a book (not yours, sorry!), a big party with celebrity guests (you won't be invited), a move (your neighbors are buying a loft), a new car (yours!), a large bill (the car will be totaled), and a new pet (yours again!). You will have a wonderful time learning how to care for an Iguana, after first learning what an Iguana is, and by mid-year will have just about overcome your squeamishness enough to enter the room with the Iguana cage without a tennis racket. Saturn's idea of a great year is not the rest of the constellation's but what do we know?

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

Happy New Year, Echo! 2007 is a year that you will never forget since they're installing cameras in your elevator at home and in the lobby at work, and at that intersection near Main with the quick light that everyone always goes through because the yellow light is really short and if you don't make it, the red light is about 3 minutes. This will result in the Bureau of Motor Vehicles sending you more photos than anyone in your actual family, of you in your car sailing through a "pink" light. Unlike most people, your 15 minutes of fame will come with a ticket for $150.00.

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

Happy New Year Pandora! You can't believe that 2007 has come already. You just got used to writing 2006 on your checks! You are also one year older and don't feel that much wiser although you probably won't pursue the same stock options you did last year, especially since that one tip you gave your co-worker got him into such bad financial straits. This is finally the year to drop those extra 10 pounds that have been nagging you for the last 5 years since the break-up with the guy with the Celtic tattoo around his bicep. Join a gym and don't just stand around at the juice bar waiting for someone to ask you if you have change for a ten, join a class and start sweating. Stay away from the machines; they spell trouble for you.

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

Happy New Year Psyche! You will have an important break-through in therapy this year that unfortunately will indicate that you wasted about $20,000 and 4 years in therapy. This year will be the beginning of a new strategy of self-reliance, self-esteem and self-abuse, as you decide you can do it all and buy one of the new vibrators that comes equipped with a GPS and iTunes. Now not only will you never get lost again on the way to ecstasy, you can sing along as you enjoy yourself. Venus suggests this is the year to invest in Apple since the I-vibe will do big business in 2007.

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

Happy New Year, Phoebe! 2007 brings big changes to your household when your brother gets kicked out of his place and decides to move in with you and brings his Great Dane, "Flatulence" along with him. This is a large animal who loves you too much, which on the one hand is flattering, but on the other hand is nothing to brag about when you get together with the girls. It might be a good idea to take "loves animals" off your Internet dating profile in case one of your dates comes over and gets the wrong idea.

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

Happy New Year Thalia! Mars and Venus will enter your house this year and will tromp their nasty planet feet all over your new carpet and up the stairs into your bedroom where they will sit on your bed and what Venus doesn't incinerate, Mars will leave covered with impossible red dust stains. You'll have some explaining to do when your husband comes home to see that your bedspread is burnt to a char and there are piles of wet clay all over the bathroom. On the other hand, you will have definitive proof that there is water on Mars!