ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

Valentine's Day is here again and with comes all the excitement and

anxiety of an evening out or at least an evening watching a "Very

Special Valentine's Episode" of "Family Guy".  As always it ranks high

on your list of least-favorite holidays, second only to New Year's,

and at least New Year's there's a teeny chance of being invited to a

party.  Not so Valentines' Day!  This year however, will be different.

This year, rather than suffer at home, you will spend the evening on

the second-to-last treadmill in the back row at the gym.  Don't forget

to wear red!

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

Happy Valentines Day, Juno! Love is in the air as are those incredibly cheap scented candles you got at Target, which are driving everybody in your building nuts. Your boyfriend will be attentive and thoughtful, bringing flowers, candies and Glade air freshener since he thinks you have a thing for chemically perfumed airspace. Be polite but be aware that on his present trajectory, you may get a wrapped Johnnycake for your birthday.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

Happy VD to you Aphrodite, and enjoy the coming holiday as well! Saturn is just being kind when he notes it wasn't your fault, because for Mars' money, you were an idiot to even talk to that guy at the Holiday Inn lounge, let alone go up to his room. But let bygones be bygones, and just remember that antibiotics come in pill form and will go down easily when pressed into a lovely piece of Godiva Chocolate.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

Valentine's Day for you means making an appointment to treat yourself to that "deviated septum" operation you've been thinking about, ever since that guy at your senior prom said, "Hey Di, do you use a horn when you drive or do you just use that 'deviated septum' of yours?". Finally your "breathing problem" will be fixed and you'll have a new and improved "deviated septum" upon which your nephews will no longer be able to hang their wet towels.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

Venus graces you with a new love this month, and finally it's a guy who shares many of your interests: long walks on the beach, trying new foods, lounging on the couch watching old movies. Unfortunately, this particular guy is a German Shepherd named Max. On the bright side, Max will never leave the toilet seat up.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

This month Venus doesn't think too much of you, Vesta, and so don't expect any cards or candy, except from your doormen who believe that there's no holiday that's not appropriate for tipping. Comfort yourself over at Starbucks where your chances of finding a love this month are as likely as they were last month when you sat there and nursed your latté for two hours every day for two weeks in the hopes that some guy might ask to borrow your stirrer.

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

Uranus is a strange name for a planetary body, don't you think? It just sounds funny. Uranus actually has nothing to do with you this month; I just thought I'd toss that observation in here. In fact, Jupiter rules your sign and decides to make your hair look like a fraternity bathmat from the 15th through the 23rd. On the 24th, Rod Stewart calls and asks what brand of hair gel you're using. The end of the month brings the Sun's influence in the form of an incredibly hot curling iron that leaves you looking like a cross between Shirley Temple and Nick Nolte.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

This Valentine's Day brings you joy when you meet a special someone who is not only handsome, kind and loving, but also has a flat screen TV, Tivo and a cook. Don't let your libido get the better of you on the 14th when it's easy to start ripping your clothes off at the sight of a nearly life-sized Howie Mandel on "Deal or No Deal". Keep an eye on the remote; if in the throes of sex you want to change the channel, it'll come in handy.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

The 14th of this month will be a sweet day for Echo, if Neptune has anything to say about it. Neptune, one of the quieter astrological influences, often turns up when you least expect it with good news and an anchovy pizza. Open your heart and two Coronas, but don't put the whole six-pack in the fridge just yet. The 12th, 16th and 25th can bring you closer to the one you love, but first you'll have to get Neptune off your couch.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

What's all the fuss about? practical Pandora wants to know on the 1st through the 13th. Valentine's Day to you just means receiving really bad candy you wouldn't ordinarily touch on a bet, in a cardboard box shaped like a heart. Big deal! You feel like Valentine's Day is just a Hallmark plot to make people buy cards with cloying sentiments and soft-focus kittens that they couldn't sell on Mother's Day. Your attitude changes however, on the 14th when that guy you met last summer emails you to tell you Happy Valentine's Day. The 15th through the 27th you become a sloppy blob of sentimental Jello, and end up in a fistfight with the postal clerk when they run out of heart-shaped stamps.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

Your significant other, or perhaps a new beau, comes courting this month with hearts, flowers, and sweet sentiments. The only problem is that neither your significant other nor your new beau knows that you're married and live with your husband and 6 children in a trailer park in Phoenix. That's because you used a photo off the Internet for your on-line dating profile and lied like a rug about your education, income and dental status. Uranus has certainly guided you here - now it's up to you to get yourself out of this mess.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

Once again, Jupiter and Neptune are fighting over you, you lucky thing! The passions of this month have ignited the fires between the two planets, and the constellations Andromeda and Cassiopeia are filming the whole thing for YouTube. You feel nothing but relief when the chaos of the galaxy distracts a rival who was on her way to your house dressed in a diaper and a NASA jumpsuit. Why would a female astronaut be threatened by you, you wonder? We think the bigger question is: what's the deal with the diaper?

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

Your jealousy gets the better of you this month when it seems as if everybody but you has a love life. Your mother doesn't help matters when she attempts to fix you up with her accountant's son, the accountant. Cheer up, Thalia. At least she's stopped trying to fix you up with her proctologist's son, the proctologist. Later this month, you gain perspective when Jupiter tries to fix you up with one of her moons: Ganymede, who is overweight and hasn't had a job for 10,000 years.