ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

Happy birthday, Athena! We all have to take a turn, and this is your month to age. If your birthday falls on the 22nd, 23rd or 24th of March, add two years to your age. If it falls on the 27th, or 29th, take two years away. If you’re lucky enough to have it fall on April 7-11th, give two years to your spouse or significant other, and if you celebrate your birthday on April 16th, give a year to your cat. If you don’t have a cat, this month is an auspicious one to purchase one, but do NOT buy kitty litter until the 1st, when the phrase "going out like a lamb" will become meaningful.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

 

Get together with some friends and buy a few lottery tickets because Venus says you’re going to strike it rich. If you were wondering whether you should buy or rent, Venus says BUY NOW. Venus also says stocks will continue to be unstable through the summer and putting your money into real estate is a no-lose proposition. Did we mention Venus’ brother-in-law is a real estate broker?

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

You and Vesta share the same planetary influence (Mercury) and you’re sick and tired of it. You can never get him on the phone and he is clearly monitoring his calls; his secretary is downright rude. You’re pretty sure Vesta is getting all the good horoscopes and if he tells you to "stay inside this month" one more time, you’re going to scream. It was one thing when he went on vacation last year right when you were having that crisis with your boyfriend, but when you finally reached him on his cell and he pretended to be Jupiter, that was the last straw. What has Mercury got against you? We don’t know, but stay inside this month..

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

 

Do not take your car to the carwash this month, no, no, no. Also, do not mop the downstairs bathroom if you know what’s good for you. The 3rd through the 16th are fine to make chicken parmigiana, but do not even think of making linguini al fredo on the 15th or the 24th. The moon has already been through an eclipse this month and is in a nasty mood, so don’t mess around with your satellite dish until at least the 23rd of April. A small child you know will get into the pre-school he or she was aiming for, but you will be forced to listen to his or her parents crow about it. If you want them to shut up already, invite them over for some linguini al fredo on the 15th.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

The lesser stars are looking out for you this month when they finally get together and bury Anna Nicole Smith. You’re a little disappointed that they don’t also bury her mother and her boyfriend Howard K. Stern, but you’re pleased that at least one of them got into the ground. Your happiness is further assured this month when Jessica Simpson and John Mayer share some bad oysters. But the ultimate high for you this month is when Paris Hilton gets stuck in a revolving door and can’t figure out how to escape. Both you and Los Angeles are governed by the sun, to which you can show your appreciation by wearing SPF 8 instead of 15.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

Your romantic partner gets miffed when you borrow his credit card to buy $1500 worth of shoes on line. What’s the big deal, you argue; you only bought one shoe! As a matter of fact, because they were Manolo Blahnik’s you need to spend another $1500 to get the other one, because, like, who’s going to limp around with one shoe? As a matter of fact, if he was this "great guy" like he’s always selling himself to your friends, he’d stop whining and buy you the matching purse with the tweed detailing. Mercury looks down on you with pride: at this rate, your relationship will resemble the dry, cracked surface of the red planet in no time.

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

A song gets into your head this month and you can’t get it out. At first you liked it – it was sort of jaunty and silly and you found yourself humming it to the annoyance of your coworkers. But then you found you actually couldn’t stop humming it and you nearly sideswiped that sanitation truck on the way to the 7-11, and then you were concentrating so hard on trying to remember whether it was: "Bugle Boy OF company B" or "Bugle Boy FROM company B", that you walked the wrong way into the automatic door and nearly broke your nose. Q-tips and alcohol might help to clean out your ears. An Absolut Vodka martini with 2 olives works best.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

The Vernal Equinox is approaching and you are nervous. It’s not like the Autumnal Equinox wasn’t a pain in the ass in its own way, it’s just that the "Vern" (as we in astrology like to call it) has a better relationship with the Sun (the Vern refers to the Sun as "The Big Yellow") and that could be good for you. As a water sign, you know that being in with the Sun is essential for a Caribbean vacation without a monsoon or a tsunami and so it’s in your best interest to show Vern a good time. Take him out for a few drinks. Remember how much fun you had at Pluto’s send off party at Hooters?

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

Just because you’re a fire sign doesn’t mean you can smoke anywhere you please, especially while sitting on your best friend’s new leather couch. Oh no! There goes an errant spark, right onto the tufted armrest! Jupiter in all his glory, rules you, but in all his glory, can’t move quick enough to get you a glass of water when you really need one. Ask around and see if there are any water signs in the house, like Diana or Leda, but don’t let your hostess catch you… she’s an earth sign and liable to clock you with a potted plant.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

You, who always over packs, gets another opportunity to do it right when a gang of friends decides to rent a condo in Miami Beach for a long weekend in March. Now you’re sorry you didn’t show up for your 10 sessions with that trainer at your health club. You can still make amends however, on the 17th though the 26th, by making up those sessions over 10 consecutive days. Sure it will hurt and yes, very likely you will be hospitalized with an anterior cruciate ligament tear, but you will be in too much pain to eat, and will actually drop 4 pounds. Unfortunately, you will have to forego the vacation because you’ll be on a saline drip in the emergency room on the morning of your flight.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb for some signs maybe, but in your world, March comes in like an electric can opener and out like a box of Wheat Thins. This has always been depressing to you because while Athena and Diana are able to enjoy Campbell’s Tomato and Rice soup in April, you are stuck with cheese and crackers up to the end of May, which for you comes in like Wheat Thins and goes out like an infected wisdom tooth. By the way: make sure you have dental insurance in May.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

You’re hankering for a new car, and even though Neptune is your mentor, there are no cars named "Neptune" and you can really only afford a Saturn anyway. This may piss off Neptune, resulting in a lower blue book value on your Volkswagen. Too bad because the constellation Ursa Major really liked the VW and was willing to pay asking price until he heard from Neptune, and you know they’re tight since the whole thing with Paris Hilton… but anyway, even though you end up practically giving your old car away, you’ll find love (for one weekend in April) with a used car salesman.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

Your month starts out well, as Saturn prevails and "Scooter" Libby takes the fall for the Vice President of the United States when he gets convicted for lying to the Feds. Two down, the rest of the administration to go! Your future is already looking brighter, as is the rest of the world’s, as finally, someone who works for George Bush gets punished for lying (instead of telling the truth). It’s still too early to reserve the Baghdad Marriot for your summer vacation, but hang in there!