ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

Under no circumstances must you give in to pressure today, not even when it's to the bulky Hell's Angel who is standing on your foot in line at Home Depot. Now is your chance to demonstrate your self-control, your maturity and your fear of being crushed like a toothpick by a tattooed behemoth. Be creative: perhaps you can hum "We Are the World" and he'll lift his steel-tipped toe to tap along in time to the music.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

You will get the opportunity to make a glowing impression at work today and it's not just because you and your boyfriend were playing with fluorescent magic markers in the tub last night. Of all the people he could have chosen, the boss assigned you to the task of changing all the 100-watt light bulbs in the office to 75-watt bulbs. This is ground-breaking work and don't be surprised when the boss offers as your next assignment to change all the copier paper from legal to letter-sized. All your co-workers are certainly jealous - why else all the giggling at the water cooler?

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

A new moon makes you hornier than ever and this is causing a problem with your ability to concentrate and to finish simple tasks. Everything reminds you of sex: from the Swifter mop to the Dustbuster; from an innocent piece of celery to a moldy tomato: it all turns you on. The fact that these things have always turned you on however, is cause for alarm. Make an appointment with a shrink, or at least a nutritionist, and for the time being don't let yourself be alone in the same room with the salad spinner.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

Jupiter suggests that you spend some time alone with your thoughts. You and they have not seen much of one another since you went on that cruise last year and had a week long fling with the cabin boy (who actually turned out to be a stowaway from Honduras, but that's another story). Perhaps if you sat down with your thoughts and maybe bought them a drink, you could avoid the debacle at your Dad's upcoming wedding to his new, young wife, at which you will get drunk and make a toast to "Predatory bimbos, old farts and the Viagra that brings them together".

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

The 21st through the 29th brings the influence of Mars, the warrior planet who perversely encourages you to pick fights with people close to you; specifically with your siblings and, oddly, the mechanic who's fixing your brakes. Your brother, it's true, is a bit of a jerk, but it's best not to take it out on Lenny, the brakeman since you're planning a long drive in the country this weekend. Of course, if you're taking your brother along, things might work in your favor. Mars sometimes knows what he's doing!

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

This is an auspicious cycle for you when it comes to postage stamps, bacon, and hair care products. You hit the post office version of the jackpot on the 3rd when you buy a book of stamps and two books fall out of the slot! Could life get any better? It can, on the 15th when you order a side of bacon at the local diner and a little broken shard of a fourth slice lands on your plate along with the usual three. Your luck is clearly changing! Finally on the 26th you walk into the Shop Rite and they're offering two-for-one on your favorite shampoo! You're riding high now, but prepare for a slight setback when the rate on your adjustable rate mortgage explodes and you have to move out of your house. Look on the bright side: you have plenty of stamps for those change-of-address cards.

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

The stars are sensing that something is set to be "clinched" this month for you! Could it be a big deal at work? A romance you've been trying to nail down? Or just a quick-thinking sphincter muscle that is saving you from an embarrassing incident on account of you eating that leftover crab salad? Let's just say, if you eat the crab salad on the 16th, you should wait until at least the 20th before you try to clinch either deals or romances.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

Mercury sneaks into your house with his girlfriend Venus (who was just in someone else's house last month with Jupiter, that slut, but don't tell). They head straight for the bedroom where they spread their influence all over your new bedspread and your good down pillows. Then they work their way into the bathroom where they manage to rip down the shower curtain. When it's all over (sometime around the 9th), you realize they raided your refrigerator and drank all the cold Heinekens and on top of it, left the milk out for a week. In exchange for the mess they left, Mercury promises to fix that traffic ticket you got for parking in front of the Church while you went to the deli to buy a lotto ticket.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

Now's the time to make vacation plans for the summer, and not wait until all the cheap flights are gone like you've done the last four summers. The constellations recommend Vegas (predictably!) but the individual planets are rooting for Cancun (again). Who knew the Universe was so middle class? What about the Greek islands? Paris? Prague? Maybe it's because the astrological world never took a second language, or perhaps it's because they've seen your bank statements. If you cancel HBO now, you might be able to save up enough to pay for a beer and a sandwich at the airport.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

Your ruler, Saturn, is getting a little too into the "ruler" aspect of his relationship with you for your comfort level. Recently he's started to sprinkle his conversation with references to a "really cool bar" on the lower east side where everybody wears latex and cowls and walks around looking like Batman only without the cute little ears. This is not your thing, and you have to be clear with the bossy planet before he goes too far. If he mentions "that place on 1st Avenue with the swing", don't assume he means the elementary school playground. Do not, repeat, do not hurt his feelings - you know what he's like when he's pissed. Or maybe you don't. This month is a wash for you, at least until Saturn gets a date.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

You'll be completely ambidextrous from the 1st straight through to the 29th when just as suddenly, you can't even hold a fork without stabbing yourself. The constellation Orion (who knows what men like) recommends you invite that guy who left you for his downstairs neighbor over for dinner and have him watch as you beat eggs for a frittata with beaters in both hands. Have him marvel as you chop the red and green peppers using two knives like a drummer in a punk rock band. Finally, stop everything to juggle using those hacky-sacks you bought at a craft fair for no good reason. If he still ends up leaving after dinner, who needs him? You love yourself! And in fact you're much better at it, at least for those three weeks when two hands are better than one.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

The sun is shining on you this month and enlists the Moon to do the same, even late at night when you're trying to get some sleep. It's all well and good that the Universe is shining on you and all that but frankly, you've been having a hard time getting any shut-eye since those jerks moved in next door with their incessantly barking dog and the waterslide in the back yard. You've tried calling them and telling them to keep it down or maybe to bring the dog into the house, but they insist as long as the sun is shining so brightly, they have every right to be outside. Now with the moon in on the act, the dog has started to howl at night. You think there might even be a rooster over there. The 8th through the 14th is a good block of time in which to call the Animal Protective League, the League of Women Voters, and the La Leche League, not for any particular reason, but just to keep in touch. If you want to keep your neighbors indoors with the doors locked, tell the local branch of Jehovah's Witnesses that you heard they're "ready to convert".

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

This month George Bush continues to be President. This is bad news for the known Universe and means that floods, fires, and heat so intense your leg hair frizzes will continue through the end of this presidency. Nothing much good will happen to your sign or anyone else's, no matter how the stars align, until a leader is elected who doesn't shout "Mission Accomplished!" every time he comes out of the bathroom. Unfortunately, Condoleezza misunderstood him a few years back, and we've been paying for it ever since.