ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

Any day can be a new beginning if you're in the federal witness protection program! If you've committed the kind of offence that makes Tony Soprano look like a nice guy with mood swings, then this is for you! It only takes a little motivation on your part to change your life and your surroundings, not to mention your social security number, so don't be shy; embezzle a pension fund, rob a bank or simply witness someone else doing so. Next month you'll find yourself living in a small town in Utah!

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

You've been partying a little too heartily lately and your health is starting to suffer. It's not just that your complexion is sallow and you can't stay awake during the meetings, it's the pink eye and the gonorrhea. Try to get to your local free clinic between the 4th and the 15th (when the lines are shorter), or on the 18th and 23rd when a lot of single guys show up for their methadone. You can always see your general practitioner (especially on the 9th when you'll only have to wait two hours) but be aware that the concept of "confidentiality" in that office applies only to patients whose cases are boring.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

The Fleet's in, and boy are you ready to see them! Nothing turns you on more than men in those sharp white uniforms (unless of course it's the police in their sharp blue uniforms, or the UPS guys in their sharp brown uniforms, or even the Washington Redskins in their heavily padded uniforms), and this week is your chance to make new friends and find out if it's true about enlisted men. An unplanned getaway is in your future when you wake up after a few too many tequila shots locked in the boiler room of the S.S. Intrepid on your way to the Mediterranean!

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

The element that rules your sign is water, and that special relationship will play a part between the 2nd and the 9th when you're charged $6 for a glass of "water" at that new fusion restaurant your friend who's always trying to be so hip took you to. It turns out there's "water" and there's "Water" and you apparently ordered the "Water". Learn from this and while you're at it, teach the restaurant management a lesson, by taking a big swig, swishing it around in your mouth, gargling loudly and spitting it back in the glass, pronouncing loudly, "Mmm, fish tank, with just a hint of hot dog!"

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

Aries is influencing your sign this month which makes you particularly prone to blisters, especially on your big toe. You might think it's because of those strappy sandals you bought on line that turned out to be made out of recycled patio furniture, but in actuality, it's a function of the constellations who really believe in sensible shoes, eating your vegetables and buying stocks low. Constellations can be particularly bossy, not unlike your mother, and in fact your mother has convinced the constellation Andromeda that it would do better if it lined up all its stars in descending order of brightness ("show your strengths right up front!"). The Heavens are begging you to tell your mom to back off since they were doing fine before she decided to put in her two cents, but when faced with a choice between telling your mother to back off or incurring the wrath of the Infinite Unknown, you decide you'd rather take your chances with the Infinite Unknown.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

If we've told you once, we've told you billions and billions of times, you've got to stop letting people walk all over you. This is the month to quit being a doormat for people who pretend they're your friends but then use you to wipe their feet as they steal your promotion, your boyfriend, or your Honda Civic, which you just finished paying off. Jupiter insists you get up off the porch, beat yourself with a broom, hose yourself down and hang yourself over the railing until you're dry enough to come inside, after which you can get some serious physical therapy. You might also want to have that tattoo that reads "Welcome" removed from your lower back, or being walked on will be the least of your worries.

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

This is the month Mars warned about; when you find what appears to be a piece of Trident Sugarless gum in the heavy duty dryer you've just used to wash a double load of sheets in preparation for guests this coming weekend. Don't curse the stars; it's not their fault you chose to do your laundry at "Bubble's Wash and Ruin". It's not too late to take the whole gummy works over to the "Suds and Spuds" where not only can you rewash and dry your laundry, you can also have your choice of a baked potato or home fries while you fold.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

Your self-tanning attempts take an interesting turn when you decide to be cheap and use the old stuff you found in your gym bag from two years ago. Not only do your legs end up with orange/brown stripes in paisley patterns from your thighs down to your ankles (where they leave a water line making you look like you just walked through a swamp), but your arms are imprinted with little patches that look like you had several bad tattoos removed. One of them appears to spell out "Tony Loves Tina", and another forms a decent likeness of the Virgin Mary, which leads to a co-hosting job on "The 700 Club" and your own display at the new "Creation Museum" in Kentucky.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

The constellation Mensa has its influence on you this month, especially between 5th and the 19th, when you meet a guy who claims to be a "genius" because he's memorized the whole Starbucks menu and can order any one of their drinks without looking (and with a straight face). He graduated summa cum laude from some school in Grenada where he got his degree in Quantum Mechanics, which in Grenada means "auto repair", and yet he thinks he's got a future with the space program. With this you agree since he seems to be from another planet; one from which many of your dates seemed to have emigrated..

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

The bathing suit you bought with such confidence last year seems to have shrunk, and this year makes you look like one of those African fertility statues wearing a thong. How are you going to show up at the office beach party in this thing? you wonder. Is it possible that the "fat free" frozen yogurt you've been treating yourself to three times a day (and sometimes four on those days when you're depressed) is as free of fat as the poster says? Mars and Saturn think you might need an intervention and suggest you attend a seminar they're leading on the 8th, 14th and 20th titled "Heavenly Bodies and How to Get One", subtitled "The Cosmos and Your Fat Thighs".

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

This month your cat starts looking at you with a funny gleam in its eye which you've only noticed once before; when she figured out in the car that you were taking her to the Vet's office. That time you ended up with 15 stitches and a $600 bill for a new fender. Lately it's been happening every time she sees you naked. This is a drag because she was the only living entity you felt comfortable getting dressed or undressed in front of, and now even she seems to be judging you. Is it your hypersensitivity or the fact that she's been watching too many episodes of "America's Top Model"? Venus suggests you stop leaving the TV on when you go to work, or at least keep it tuned to MSNBC.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

You stop and watch a couple of kids playing jump rope and remember fondly how you used to be so good at it; you could do Double Dutch and Chinese style; you could do it on one leg and bounce a ball at the same time. In a lighthearted moment of inhibition, you ask to join the game, and the seven year olds are too afraid to say no. This results in you winding up on the ground with a twisted ankle and so entangled in rope that you look like an ad for a bondage website. The lesson for you is that these tricks are better left for the bedroom where guys really appreciate your talent.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

This month you're delighted to hear that "Wolfie" Wolfowitz has joined the "Disgraced Members of the Bush Administration Club" along with Michael Brown, Alberto R. Gonzales, Donald Rumsfeld and Christine Todd Whitman. The charter for this particular club mandates "lying to the Citizenry of the U.S. and anyone else stupid enough to believe us" and the serving of "Freedom Fries" at all dinners. Meetings planned to be held in such former favorite sites as New Orleans and large areas of Georgia, Florida and Southern California have been scrapped due to flooding or drought-fed wildfires. The next meeting will be held at a safe house in Idaho as soon as everybody can scrape together the $7000 for gas money.